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My life... the person Im in love with is not the person I live with.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by cate1515, Oct 14, 2015.

  1. cate1515

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    For anyone who hasn't read my previous posts, I have been married for 8 years. 7 months ago my best friend & I realized we were in love with each other and already had an emotional relationship, and one night we spent together made that a complete relationship, and there was no turning back. We both admitted this was what we always wanted, we loved each other, and that was that. We didn't immediately tell our husbands (we both have young kids), but we did. They aren't thrilled, but they don't want us to break up our families right now, and they don't prevent us from having our relationship (we have both given them the please go ahead and find someone else also, lol).

    Anyhow, finding my relationship with her has been the most overpowering and eye-opening experience of my life, and our bond, both emotional and physical, is AMAZING. Ive never felt this in love or connected to another human being so much ever before. I admit and realize Ive always been a lesbian, and it explains a ton about my life.

    But, for now for several complicated reasons, we are keeping our families together and having our relationship on the side. We do get a lot of time together while the kids are at school, and we run my business together so we do get a lot of time together which is great. Our husbands also allowed (tolerated) us taking a short vaca together during the summer. It was amazing. But I am often sad we don't get to be together at night. I like sleeping next to her. Not even for sexual reasons, I am sad we don't get to snuggle at night. She is the first person I have EVER wanted to snuggle with! I have never wanted to snuggle and make out with anyone really before, I just tolerated kissing men in the past bc it was what I was supposed to do?

    I know no matter what path we take here, my life is my life. No one else can judge our situation (though they will if they know about it!). My family knows, and a few friends. her family does not, though she has told a few friends. We are trying to take one day at a time, though I have a harder time with that than her. She is more laid back and just kinda takes it in stride, while I am more of a need-to-have-long-term plan person. But even though I don't get her 100% of the time, I wouldn't trade what we have. We have an amazing bond, completely understand each others feelings, are always 100% honest with each other (which neither of us has EVER done with another person before!), love each other so much, and are totally there for each other. We can snuggle and talk for hours, about anything and everything. We are best friends in addition to everything else we are to each other. Though I do often get sad at night when I cant sleep next to her :frowning2: . But im trying to make the best of my life and be happy that I have this chance to be the person I always deep down wanted to.

    Anyone else ever experience anything similar?
     
  2. TeaTree

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Europe (.cz)
    Hi :slight_smile: I read a few of your previous posts and I am not in the situation you are in (which you probably know if you read my posts :slight_smile: ), but what I know and what I can relate to is the need to find people who have gone through similar stuff, the need to relate. And I have the feeling you have a really strong need to relate to people.

    It is such a good feeling to find people who you can relate to (though there is something in almost everyone we can relate to, but there is no "chemistry" in some cases), but in the same time I'm wondering if sometimes accepting and loving who we are wouldn't be what we are actually looking for in the first place. Though I'm not saying we should be forever alone and not connect to people, it's just that sometimes we are not accepting some stuff about ourselves and we need confirmation for that from the outside. I'm not saying that's your case but it's definitely my case loads of times.

    Based on what I read from you, what is standing out from all of it for me is that you really really want to be with your girlfriend, the person who you love, and don't want to continue being apart from her just for appearances sake, or other reasons, but in the same time you have these inner blocks which prevent you from doing that. And you are trying to get your own approval for doing what you really want.

    I don't know what to say more, because I think you know already what you want, just making it happen seems difficult because it's clashing with some of your internal values/limits.

    But you deserve to be happy (*hug*)

    I can't say that right now I'm an example here for going for what you want because I"m not, but I believe it's going to happen for me as well.

    So hang in there, and try maybe exploring what are your personal beliefs that limit you in going into the direction of what you want. (*hug*)
     
  3. Shadowsylke

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    in my own skin (finally!)
    Hi cate, this seems like a very difficult situation for you, and I'm not sure if it is really sustainable in the long run. If you really love this woman and want to make a life with her, it seems to me that you will need to start moving toward making that a reality in some way. If you don't and just stay in this status quo for appearances or other reasons, you will just continue to be unhappy, and I would think the frustration would build over time, which would affect your kids and perhaps even your relationship with her. And at some point, the pain of doing nothing will become too intense and you will have to take action. I just don't know if you want to wait until that time, or if it is wise to.

    Of course, take this with a grain of salt, as I acted quite quickly when I met my love...but I also did not have any children to consider and my marriage was unhealthy for other reasons completely unrelated to my sexuality, so my path may have looked more clear or simple to me than yours does to you.

    Hang in there, I am sending you hugs, and I agree with TeaTree that you should keep moving in the direction of what you want, because we all deserve to be happy! (*hug*)