Hi everyone, I have been lurking for awhile now. Some very considerate folks here. I really don't know how to make friends on these kind of sites so bear with me. I also really don't want offend anyone. Sounds like a disclaimer lol! I could write pages and pages but I will try to be brief. I am fifty three years old with three kids. Good wife and good kids. Everything I have always wanted. However... I have trouble enjoying sex with women. I have suffered from anxiety and depression since my teen years and I am trying to get to the root of my issues. Okay, alcoholic father who was emotionally abusive so I would escape through marijuana and alcohol from age 16 to 24 for sure. Very nervous around people and low self esteem. Always liked girls and I was an excellent masterbator. To scared and insecure to date. Is my dick to small, how do I pretend to be a stud, can I perform. Crush on my high school bus who was a woman and sadly I believe I was in love or lust with my brothers ex wife. Nothing happened there thank god. I was never interested in guys and never entertained the idea of being gay in my yourth. Never had same sex with guys. I remember some of dope smoking buddies getting hardons and looking at me sexually but not in the least excited. I thought what is wrong with these guys. I would stick around just to get high and drunk some of them that were outcast sort of like me. Never felt comfortable in my own skin. I would get drunk to have courage to be with a girl in my youth and would not be able to get it up. I would literally have panic attacks when with them. So I avoided relationships and would be depressed and nervous. Would often escape to feel better. Then at 24 years old I finally had sex. Never arousal,just penetration. I panicked had a serious nervous breakdown, really bad as I expected it to be an earth shattering experience. Then I thought I was gay. That scared the hell out of me. Sorry folks but it did. I was afraid of guys. I would get this feeling around guys after that, what is wrong with me, what if I like him, what if I am gay and spin out of control. I confused the feeling of anxiety and thought maybe that was attraction. I had no urge to be with men. Just thoghts obsessively about sex. To stop the ruminating thoughts I thought I would have to prove myself with women. Had several relationships with women. I would get so stressed out and unable to think straight. would have sex with them but I was a nervous wreck during the acts. I would analyze everything. I did this until age 37 when I got married. I was so happy to get married. I loved her and it was good. Sex to me with her was okay. She was not a sexual athlete and I liked that I about her. I would always have to iinitiate sex. She claims she has a low libido and I believe she doesn't like sex either. Oral giving and receiving is gross to her. I feel she does it for me and she has said as much. But she is happy and stable. If you read this far, thank you. My shrink at age 24 said that I am not gay. Said I had performance anxiety and the instinct will come to me and be patient. My second therapist from age 29 to 36 said I was not gay. I had to do a survey for him and he told me to mark down depression. It thought that is weird I was talking about my sexual issues. I even went to the Clarke Institute in Toronto for addiction and sexual things. They put a wire around my penis and showed me movies and pictures of all kind of sexual scenes. I told him to stop as It disturbed me when they showed me pictures of little girls and little boys. Nothing turned me on. Diagnosis... Not gay. Mental health issues basically is what they said. So I feel I really don't know who I am. Questioning. Seeing a shrink for last couple of years and he did not proclaim that I wasn't gay and tried to guide me through my thoughts. He said gay people don't think like you but what is wrong with being gay he would say. We basically discovered that the idea of me thinking I am gay scares the hell out of me. So I am lost in my thoughts during every waking moment. Mmwhat is wrong with me. Am I gay. Or I just have sexual inhibitions? I notice women definitely and check them off it. Check for responses and when I get nothing in the groin or a heart flutter I think I am gay. I don't look at men and and get all a excited either. I sometimes get nervous around men depending on my mood. Guys at the health club do not arouse me. Change rooms don't arouse me. All my sexual dreams are about women. I had some with men in it but they were frightening than arousing in my dreams. I don't know what being attracted to men is. What is that? My therapist said even if I had sex with men and liked it I would not be happy. The last session he said I should see a sex therapist. The. He said when you are going golfing today are you going to check out the guys or the cart girl. I was thinking I would be checking out the cart girl. He said and you think you are gay. I even spoke with a minister I knew was gay. He said I was not gay. He said he could not feel any of those vibes from me or whatever that means. I am trying to determine with 100 percent certainty that I am straight. Now I have decided I should just try gay sex to see. Now, that would be cheating whether I liked it or not. I looked at Craig's list and most of them are blow and go. How can a person just do that. I am positive that if I did hook up that I would just get scared. Or maybe I would like it. And that scares the hell out of me. I watch porn but that is not a,true indicator in my mind. Nothing really arouses me but I will jerk off to porn and usually with woman. Sometimes the gay porn looks interesting but most of it is kinda grosse. I guess I wanted to see what you guys and gals thought of all this. I obsess about it all the time and I am spaced out and can't concentrate. I analyze past things to logically see what I am. I try to go with my heart but I am so anxious anyway. I don't mind staying married and having occasional sex but all I think about is sex and want certainty and stop the debate in my head. What kind do I like etc and I get depressed. I have been told I am ADHD, ocd, depressive and anxiety. On AD's and uppers and downers. So how do I stop this debate in my head? I live in a small town and no gay bars etc. Craig's list seems really creepy to me. I was thinking about suicide the other day to stop all this turmoil. I am arranging to see a therapist. Oh by the way, I told my wife my story and she said, " my expectations were so high and I waited until I was 24' so what did I expect. I have not told her I thought I might be gay though. Not going near that one. I know I may sound a little crazy but I am nice and normal and masculine acting. These are just thoughts in my head. Any thoughts on all this? I really, really hope I did not offend you guys. Thank you for reading.
Hi, and welcome to EC. It's always nice to see new posters that have been lurking for a while! On to your main question: From what you describe, I don't hear anything indicating that you are gay. One thing you haven't talked about is what your fantasies are when you masturbate. Are you thinking about women, girls, women's bodies, and imagining yourself having sex with your wife or someone else? Or are you thinking about men and penises? That is generally the most reliable indicator. I also think I hear you saying that none of your sexual experiences with women are particularly pleasant or enjoyable. In that regard, my suspicion is that the problem is less about not being attracted to women and more about a lack of connection to your emotionally vulnerable self. One of the best ways to work on that is to explore that with your therapist. A sex therapist could be beneficial, but I also think there's a lot of vulnerability work to be done with a regular therapist. Problem is... there are a lot of shitty therapists, and if you haven't been with a really good one, it's difficult to identify what's good therapy and what's shitty therapy. So you might bring up some of this with your current therapist and see what he says, and then take your next steps from there.
Hi Chip, Thank you for your kind response. I stopped watching porn because I it all started to look all the same. I think about women generally, however, I have watched some gay porn and Blowjobs a bit interesting but as soon as I really think of what is going on I get grossed out. Funny, I went to AA for two years and thought I was an alcoholic.. I started drinking again but totally in control now for the last two years. Even my wife is surprised. They kept saying the key to success in AA is to be honest with yourself. They were talking about drinking out of control and stop denying alcohol abuse. All I could think of is am I being honest with myself in terms of my sexuality. Am I in denial. I kind of chuckle now when I think about it. Yes, finding a good therapist is hard to do. My last guy is really good. Called him back and he has a two month waiting list. Made an appointment with a gay sex therapist in Toronto which is two hours away. Not sure if I should see a straight sex therapist or a gay one? When I settle down and really listen to my heart the little voice in my head says I am not gay and love your wife. Keeping things light, I grew up in a town of 120 thousand people. There was one middle aged flamboyant gay fellow that attended my church. I remember thinking it must be lonely for him being the only gay guy in town. Lol cheers, P.
Hi Piston I'm not exactly an expert on this subject but from what you said, I don't think you're gay. Because you have a problem with sexual performance and your relationship doesn't mean you aren't straight. Do you masturbate? Do you fantasise about women in your innermost private thoughts? I think you do need therapy because you sound like you have an extremely high level of anxiety and for some reason you're projecting all of it onto the question of your sexuality. From an outsider's point of view, to me, it seems like a totally abstract and a bit obsessive bearing in mind you don't find men sexually attractive. My personal opinion and like I say, I'm not an expert, is that you don't need a therapist who deals with gay or coming out issues. I hope you find something that helps
Dear Juliet, Thank you very much for your input. You are so kind. I have gained a lot of respect for people on this forum. Sucks to have mental health issues and to admit it's and live with it. We all have are issues. Life is too short. Enjoy it. I know I will try. Piston
Welcome to EC :welcome: It takes great courage to question one's sexuality at midlife, and you should be commended for doing so here on EC. From what you've written you appear to be straight, although the following salient points stand out as worthy of exploration in a therapeutic environment with a trusted therapist. Alcoholic father who was emotionally abusive - Perhaps you seek male validation? The use of alcohol as liquid courage, erectile problems with women, and loss of virginity at 24 - These signify potentially unhealthy sexual relations with women. The idea of your thinking you are gay scares the hell out of you - This could reflect internalized homophobia and deep repression. Why do you keep coming back to the idea that you are gay? Do any of these bullets resonate with you?
I know putting a label on things makes then resort to see in black and white. You get to have a word, and you get to say this is what it is. Not everyone fits under a label. I could be you're neither straight nor gay. Could be you're asexual. My point is, sexuality is more often than not on a sliding scale, not black and white. People's sexuality can change over the years as they grow and learn as a person. I don't really have any advice, and I don't know what to say to be helpful. I just hope you can find the answers you're looking for. Bright blessings!
