Hi All. Many of you will have read my previous thread but things have moved on a bit so thought it best to start a new one. Had a sort of "testing the water" talk with my ex wife today when she dropped my daughter off. Started off by asking is she was dating by saying "has she got a new boyfriend" and then said "or have you got a girlfriend". Her face was a picture when I asked this as her thoughts on same sex relationships come from doctrines of church so are not that positive. Then led the conversation into an imaginary survey I had heard about on TV where more and more divorcees are turning to same sex relationships for next partnership after divorce. Whilst I hadn't heard that recently (so little white lie) it has been reported in the past as such. Her reaction was sort of what I had expected saying "but it's weird" and "but people's parts are not designed for that" but at same time didn't totally freak out. She also said so why do u ask, are you going to tell me that you have a boyfriend next week ? I so wanted to say YES but instead said "no I am not saying that but at same time don't see anything wrong with it if the people are happy. She also said that if our daughter eventually made the decision herself to be with a female that she would support her even if she didn't agree with it. I wasn't totally happy that she used the word "tolerate it" in that conversation but at least she not saying she would kick her out or something. So overall it was slightly more positive than I was hoping for. Don't get me wrong I am not ready to "come out" or anything but does give me a bit more confidence to explore my sexuality, even if it not totally "in the open" for now. Thoughts and words of comfort invited Jamie xx
That sounds like a great ice breaker, and not sure you could have gotten a better reaction. You did a good job laying the ground work!
Exactly what I thought. Much preferred doing it like that, as was easier for her to "handle" than me saying "Listen, I think I am bi-sexual or gay ! " and I could see what her re-action might be in the future, when I am ready. At end of day I am not actively seeking a relationship at moment so thought a conversation like the one I had was a good idea !!
That sounds like a good approach. Honestly, I think it's better to drop hints before coming out. That way people aren't blindsided when you do. Right now her thoughts are probably somewhere between"What was that all about?" and "Is he gay???" I think I unintentionally dropped a hint to a friend a while back. We were both trying to embrace the idea of turning 40 and I said something along the lines of, "It's ok, I know some women in their 40's who are very attractive." She gave me a look like I said something off... I regretted it briefly but then thought it was probably a good thing.
Mixed emotions for me today, hope people don't mind me sharing? Part of me feels good for having the conversation yesterday (see top of thread) and part of me is sad that I may never have the courage to take it any further. I am also confused as to where to live. I have just moved back to the same town as my ex so as to be nearer my daughter but am not sure this was totally a good idea as I feel my ex is sort of then indirectly watching me, even though she is the other side of town. I am thankfully only renting so can move later on. I just don't know whether it is better to be nearer my daughter so that I can sometimes have her in the week and then take or to school the next morning or go more long distance. Could either go to the next town which wouldn't be so bad or even a 3-4 hour drive away as that is where I have extended family, but then I would see a lot less of my darling daughter. I am just so confused.com at the moment. I certainly want to be there for my daughter, as she is the reason I get up in the morning, but at same time want to be able to live my own life and further down possibly explore my sexuality. Hugs and advice gratefully received. Thanks guys and gals Jamie xx
You need space to grow. Can you get a midpoint? An hour or so away? Manageable but without your ex in your face?
I can empathize with you wanting to be near your daughter. My ex and I are in same town, and I actually prefer it that way so that we can share the time with our kids as equally as possible. If there's a way you can stay within close proximity, that would probably be the most ideal. As long as she is not causing unneeded and unnecessary disruptions in your life. My ex is pretty hateful and I have to hear a lot of crap, but I deal with whatever and just try to ignore a lot because I want to have my daughters always near. Custody hearing in a few months and just get to see how things play out after that.
Your on a journey reflective to find yourself in a new life. Old walls and barriers come down, and continue to do so. New rules will be established between yourself and those others who are part of your life. They will be different than what were previously in place, and those around you will adopt. Give yourself the space you need, and let your wife and daughter evolve as they otherwise will themselves; being as close or far apart as you are comfortable with.
Hi Angeluscrzy. I am glad someone can actually understand part of my dilemma. Yes, I have just moved back to the same town as my ex, purely for the same reason as you, to be nearer my daughter. It isn't without it's problems though. I do feel that she is sort of "watching my every move" and she is also still verbally abusive towards me (nothing to do with my sexuality as I have not come out and not sure I ever can). So whilst I do totally agree with you re being near for the sake of my daughter I am not sure whether the other side of the same town is in fact too near. I do like sometimes having my daughter over in the week and taking her to school the next day and am worried if I moved too far I wouldn't be able to do that. Jamie xx
Good job dude. Doesn't sound like you need to move, but just rather to keep going with separating from her mentally and taking control of your personhood even more. Good first step.
Well, if you come out to her, the verbal abuse likely won't improve for sure. My ex has told my kids she hopes I get "fucked and bashed", has called me faggot more times than I can count, and no matter what she just completely blames every single thing on me. I think it just ends up being a tradeoff, having to just endure some of the shit for the sake of being near your child. All I could suggest is just stay firm in your resolve that things are over, and focus on your child. I will put up with tons of crap I don't want to just so that I can keep in steady contact and stuff with my girls.
When you and your wife were appoaching the end point of your life together, what was more scary for you, the actual break up, or you having to meet you the first time? I ask because I'm at a critical area in my marriage and i think maybe I'm just afraid that I will have to soon introduce myself to myself....
Not sure who you were asking it of really, but I will just state for myself. I am so much more relieved by all of it being over. My kids are old enough now (10, 12 & 15) that they understand that the relationship was far from good, and I have always been very open and honest with them about everything anyway. I do feel bad that my ex is having such a hard time accepting that its over, but I think that she also seems to have idealized things and doesn't seem to get how toxic it all had become. And as far as facing myself, I have always known I wasn't straight for what feels like forever, and now I am just embracing it all and it feels so much better to just be out.
