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Not ready to tell my Mom and Dad

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by High Art, Oct 18, 2015.

  1. High Art

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    Ugh. I just got off of the phone with my mom - she called because my sister let her know that my husband and I have separated.
    She seemed so sad!!:icon_sad: And I am not ready to tell her WHY we are separated - so I just said I didn't want to get into details, but that this was the right thing for us.

    I feel shitty not telling them, but I seriously think that they will be blindsided by this. They won't understand it. They won't believe me.

    I told her that she and my dad should come stay with me in a few weeks. I'm hoping to tell them then.

    I feel really guilty for hurting them -even just by the separation. It sucks.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Take the time you feel necessary. Given you have separated, and they know that. Once you do tell them, do you really think they would not believe you given what they know already about their marriage? My bet is they believe you.
     
  3. TeaTree

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    Hey HighArt, I'm with you on this one. (*hug*)

    Though we are not "officially" separated, me and my bf, I still feel that I won't be able to tell my parents when the time comes why we are not together anymore.
    They live in a different country and I've already been avoiding to call my mom for almost a month now. And I feel so guilty about this, but I don't want to lie to her. She will ask if everything is ok...And she is worrying a lot, I don't want to give her another thing to worry about. Though lying is maybe worse...
    I might tell her that we are not together anymore when the time comes, but not the fact that I'm gay..I mean not all at once.

    I will have to visit them soon, probably next month, we are usually going together with my bf, but now he will probably go alone and I don't even know when will I go. We will have to say something to our parents but we haven't even said the things we'd need to say to each other yet. We are living like two roommates lately.

    Anyways, about coming out to parents, lately I started to imagine how that would look like, but until a few weeks ago I couldn't even go there in my mind. So I guess this is another "you are ready when you're ready but you'll never be really ready" situations :slight_smile:
    I think the best coming out would be when I will have a girlfriend, but not sure I can wait that long :slight_smile:

    And I can relate to feeling guilty, it's like I'm disappointing them by not staying with my bf until death do us part...But that is maybe because I used to believe it myself for so long that this is how it's gonna be and I'm still not done with accepting that things have changed.
     
  4. SnowshoeGeek

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    I am not sure if I have helpful advice, but I can definitely empathize! My mother comes to spend a couple of months with me soon, and I want to have a conversation with her but I am not sure how to do it. She long ago accepted that I was unusual but to say that I might be a lesbian... I just don't know. My mother's reaction to things has colored so much of my life and her anger sometimes has been really out of control.

    So I can relate to having a huge amount of hesitation and fear about this.

    Do you think your parents would both have equally negative reactions? I ask because I told my father (via ICQ, that's how long ago it was!) before he died, and his only reaction was, "yes, I always kind of thought you were that way." :eek: So for me being able to approach him separately obviously was a good thing. But, he and my mother were always very different... just a thought. (*hug*)
     
  5. High Art

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    I think they will both be supportive... Eventually. But I am worried that they will try to talk me out of it, and I am pretty sure they'll be upset. It's just having to go through all the explaining. It'll be upsetting and uncomfortable. I'm hoping my mom might get a clue before I have to out and tell them.

    ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2015 at 10:02 AM ----------

    I know. I hate the thought of my parents worrying about me. It's this cycle: they worry about me, so I feel worse bc they are worrying :icon_sad:
     
  6. TeaTree

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    My mother just called me and we spoke on Skype and I was behaving like a heartless zombie. We usually joke and laugh, at least to some amount, but now I was just numb. Ok, I've got the flu as well, but still. She was also upset because she has been waiting for me to call but I just couldn't because of all these stuff I'm going through right now. I think last time we spoke was a month ago or something.

    I felt I'm lying to her with every single word I'm saying. Until now it was so easy, when I was convinced I'm straight (ok, I was never convinced about that for long, but I always managed to re-convince myself). Until now I've been telling her what I used to believe and it was all consistent. Now I know that I'm lying to her.

    She was repeatedly asking about how are you two, when will you two come to visit, we are renovating the other apartment for when you two will come to visit and stay there etc.

    And I eventually have to do something, because I will have to go to visit my parents probably in about a month. But my bf will go alone, mainly because I cannot go when he has days off. Sure, if we would still be like we were before we wouldn't even think about going separately.

    So until then I have to come up with something to tell them. She was asking me "were you on some holiday together?". She knows we were always going somewhere. But now we cancelled it because it happened after I came out to him basically. So I said, no, we weren't.

    And just left it like this, in half-answered questions, with one-two words.

    I think she knows that something is not right. But I can't tell her. In the same time I can't lie forever.

    This is getting complicated. But maybe I need something to break and shatter for me to actually make a change...

    ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2015 at 10:42 PM ----------

    This what I'm worried about too. I'm not so sure about anything right now, and I don't want to get even more confused plus guilty because I failed their expectations of me. I don't even know what their expectations were. Maybe I live in this false belief that they are expecting me to get married and have children and shit while they are actually not? Though my mother was mentioning on every occasion she could about her wanting me to have children. But it's only maybe because she thinks I am happy with my bf so in that case she thinks this would make me more happier...I don't know and probably won't know until I'll speak to them...

    What I know is that they are not the most lgbt friendly people. But around there nobody is (yay). So I don't know.
    I'm not sure I can tell them only the half truth about me and my bf (though I'm an expert in that usually).



    Anyway TL;DR: I have to come up with some explanation to my parents about me and my boyfriend splitting though we basically didn't break up yet. But I can't lie that everything is ok when it's not.
    I don't want to come out to them because they might confuse me more, they might be a bit homophobic, plus why do I have to come out to my parents before even having a relationship or any experience with a woman?
     
    #6 TeaTree, Oct 19, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2015
  7. Shadow29

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    I can understand not wanting to tell your parents. Im in the same dilemma, so I don't really have any advice. However I feel your pain.
     
  8. Mystic flower

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    I don't have any advice to offer, but I do empathize. I have been contemplating whether or not I want to tell my mum. I do want to to be honest with her, so I understand your pain.
     
  9. bi2me

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    High Art/TeaTree, could you just say something like, "We just really weren't compatible anymore" and leave it kind of nebulous? Then, if/when you do come out later on, you won't have lied about the reason you broke up.