Gay dads!!!

Probably a better topic for the later in Life section...

That said, kids are resilient. So long as you show them love and attention, they should adapt (now if your kids were teenagers and going through typical teenage angst, thats another story all together).

My kids have done a great job accepting their father for being gay. They were brought up to be open minded and had the right foundation from that standpoint. They have also grown during a time when LGBT rights have gained prominence and where acceptance has evolved massively, that also has helped.

 

My dad is gay and I accepted that. This is not because I'm trans woman it's because I know how to accept and he's my dad even though I don't really like him so... if your children love you (of course they love you) , they will accept your own personality. So will your wife.
Wish you a best luck.

 

I responded to you in the Coming Out section; I'm not the gay dad (obviously!), I'm the wife.

When my husband (Joe) came out, my kids were all teenagers and older, so I can't comment on how the kids will react. I believe, though, like OnTheHighway, that kids are resilient. My oldest kid is Joe's stepkid, and he still accepts his dad like nothing else. We brought the kids up to understand that sexuality is not an indictment against a person, that it is not a sin, that it simply is, and because of that - and because they're smart kids - they have been very accepting and understanding. They've embraced Joe's partner fully and he is now considered part of their family as well.

When Joe came out, it was traumatic for me. I knew there was something wrong, I had known for a long time, but I wasn't sure what and I had plans to get us to counseling at the new year - he came out in December. I was devastated, no two ways around it. But I also "knew" - when he started talking in that serious tone, I knew what he was going to say. The part that hurt the most was that he had already started a relationship with his partner.

For several days, I couldn't talk to him. We lived in the same house, we took care of the kids, we got through Christmas. Technology helped; we did a lot of texting. It was easier for me to express things that way and we had long established that as a way of talking without the kids knowing what was going on.

We're rebuilding - not our marriage, obviously, but our friendship. Joe was also very depressed, to the point of suicidal. That does no one any good. He's much happier now, even though he still carries a lot of guilt. I'm getting there. We see each other daily - we work in the same office. We have lunch together. We talk about the kids. We talk about serious stuff. It's getting better.

Love yourself enough to be honest. Love your partner enough to be honest. Love your kids enough to be honest. For me, that's all I ever wanted. And if you do all you can and you are as honest as possible and things end poorly, you will know that you did the best you could, you took the high road, and you gave your all.

Again, I'll wish you peace.

 

I'm currently in your situation my friend. Welcome. I've only come out to a couple of people.

 

Hey Jimm, I have not come out yet to my wife but have raised my children to have open minds and am not worried about my relationship with them. My greater concern is how coming out will effect their mother and her reaction towards me, taking out her anger towards our kids.

 

hey. one of the first people i came out to was my teenage son. he was totally accepting, he did have some pointed questions like am i in a relationship, etc. but totally accepting of both my sexuality and my gender.

best of luck, kids today are more worldly than we were at that age.

 

Honesty definitely is the best route and I'd recommend getting it out there as soon as you can feel pretty comfortable doing so. There will never be an "ideal" time to do so, and be prepared for a whole range of emotions.

 

I told my wife nearly two years ago we both have new relationships and are currently going through divorce. Best thing I ever did scary as hell. But so worth it

My kids know I have a boyfriend and don't see it as a big deal

 

just to add to my last post, my STBX doesnt know about my sexuality or my gender. i figure it's none of her business.

good luck on coming out to your spouse though.

 

Not much new to add here, except to echo the previous posters.

It's very scary until you get the words out, and you will feel like a weight has been lifted once you share your secret with her. Unfortunately you need to be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions as she processes her feelings. Hopefully there has been no infidelity on your part. From personal experience this makes it far worse

Children care more about the custody than your sexuality. So you should be prepared to say who they will be living with when you come out. You may want to work with a therapist to create an age appropriate message. I've talked to a lot of gay days online and in real life, and most of the time the children are fine with their dad's being gay. That was definitely the case with me.

 

Hi Jimm, welcome to EC. I'm married to a good woman, 38, three kids. I came out to myself a year ago and my wife just a couple of months ago. I had come out to my therapist a few weeks before that and worked with her on how to come out to my wife. This really saved me as it went horribly and would have been much worse without that prework. One piece of advice I got on this forum after that was to come out to a trusted friend first. This would have given me someone else to talk to other than having to wait for the next appointment with the therapist.

You have to be ready for a myriad of reactions and a lot of questions that may surprise you. During my initial coming out with my wife I prefaced it with my love for her and our kids. I tried to keep it simple and didn't go into a lot of detail as this is a lot for someone to absorb. I repeated a few times that I would answer all questions as honestly and clearly as I could but that there were some things I was still confused about, wasn't quite ready to address or simply didn't know the answers to myself. I think this helped keep the communication going later. Last, I would recommend not doing this in the evening as you will almost certainly be up all night.

 

Jimm, in 19 years of marriage, I never cheated as well. Good for you!

 

Her initial reaction might very well be not to want to talk to anyone about it. Once you tell her, she will start to go through her own emotional process. At some point, it will be good for her to have someone to talk to, and maybe that point will align with the same time you are ok with others knowing.

When I told my wife, I actually asked her to talk with one of her close friends. I wanted her to have someone to talk to. I knew she would want to hold it in, and I did not think that was healthy. Coincidentally, when I started telling people at work was a similar time when she opened up to her friends. All that said, let things play out as they need to play out. There is only so much you can control, and most your not going to be able to control.

And in a worse case scenario, if she feels she needs to speak to someone right away, then it is what it is.

 

Its so interesting how so many guys that are going through what you are going through experience, separately, issues within their marriages.

A lot of us have talked about this in previous threads. And I believe the neglect I felt from my wife was one of the catalysts that set me on my search to accept my myself and my sexuality.

You have some relationship issues as well. It would seem, even with the experience you have, your still holding on to some notion that you need her and she needs you when she has already shown that she can make independent decisions.

Maybe you need to stop feeling guilty, and take the time to focus on yourself now.

 

Indeed, it seems to be the case. You got married young. Maybe you rushed into it, maybe not. You have had issues with your marriage. Your questioning your sexuality now as well. Your mind is clearly telling you to focus on yourself. Your still young, have your whole life ahead of you. Your own happiness is at stake. Take the time to work through it for yourself.