I'm not sure what qualifies as "later in life" here, but I'm thirty-one and have been in a relationship with my husband for twelve years. You can do that math for yourself and figure out just how young I was when I became... trapped. I have always been attracted to girls, from a young age. Looking back, I can see now that those attractions were not anomalies, but occurred rather often. Yet they were very rarely acted on in any way. Relationships with boys were plentiful. Boys were socially acceptable, and there were things to be gained, socially, from relationships with boys. Any sort of public relationship with a girl would have done nothing but cause me grief. My one sexual experience with a girl as a teenager led to the lose of a lot of friends. Shortly thereafter, I met the man that would be my husband. Fast forward a decade. The marriage is unhappy, for many reasons. I want out. He keeps me trapped with a variety of threats concerning money and child custody. I meet the most amazing woman. We embark on a long distance relationship. It's not a sexual fling, it's everything. It's what I want, forever. She agrees. But she is also married to a man, and although her marriage is very different from my own, she can't/won't leave it. She feels very trapped as well. So what do I do with myself? It is torture, being apart from her. Regardless of her, I know that I want to leave my marriage. I know that I will never have another relationship with a man, and that I want to leave this one, badly. That I have to, to preserve myself. There will be serious consequences in leaving. I don't know how I'll support myself, or manage the court battles that will come. I don't know where to find support for someone in my situation.
You will find yourself in good company here. I'm 30, 2 kids, married to my husband for almost 11 years, and I just came out to him. It was a long road, and I'm still trying to figure out how to gain my autonomy and how to do this the smoothest way for the sake of my babies. Though I don't have a girlfriend, and my husband has been super supportive. But you will find great support here. Hugs to you. I know how hard this is...lots of men and women here going through similar situations.
There are quite a few of us. Im 29, been with my husband 13 years, we have 4 kids. I seem to be the only one that doesnt want out of my marriage yet tho. I know i would never wqnt to be with a man, i feel very much trapped but it feels like my own doing, m my husband is not terrible or mean etc. He's willing to try to work thru everything. I may have missed it, does your husband know your gay?
Hi and welcome! Yes, there are a lot of men and women on here whose situations are a lot like yours, so you've come to the right place. I myself left a marriage of 10 years. I don't have kids, though. Your situation with your gf sounds so painful, and I certainly understand the desire and need to be with her. But I think you are right in that you have to focus on you, regardless of what she does or doesn't do. If your marriage is unhealthy or toxic, or even if you are just unhappy in it for whatever reason, then you need to take whatever steps are needed to take care of yourself. And if that means leaving the marriage, then that is what it means. It will be difficult, and it will be painful (especially if he is threatening you), but as one who has been there, I can tell you that you WILL get through it. Just be sure to educate yourself and know your rights and and the law in your area. Divorce is not enjoyable, but it is doable, and there are tons of people who have gone through it and emerged on the other side. (&&&)
Hi Imsky, welcome to EC. Getting solid information on your options should be your next step. Right now you are stuck and don't know what you can realistically do. Maybe try contacting PFLAG in your state to see if they can direct you to a resource or give you some info. You need to know what some likely outcomes of a divorce would be. Then you will be better prepared to make a decision on how to proceed. I don't believe in general that one spouse can simply cut off support or child custody except in specific circumstances. However, you could live in an area in which courts are going to be less friendly towards the LGBT spouse, so I wouldn't come out to your husband. It kinda sounds like even if you were straight that this wouldn't be a good relationship if he's willing to make those kinds of threats. Anyway, get some legal advice and you'll at least feel less anxious and vulnerable because you can make a plan.
Thanks, Mellie. Finding a way to be autonomous while making the transition for my child as smooth as possible..those two things are my top priorities. None of it is going to be easy. ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2015 at 04:53 PM ---------- Ebda30, I've tried my best to make it clear to him that I am, and he isn't accepting it. He's always known that I was bi. He is aware of my female significant other. There was an attempt at an open marriage earlier this year, but after I acted on it with her he became extremely jealous and possessive. I'm sure I'll end up regretting my honesty when I file for divorce eventually and he uses it all against me. He seems to think that being with her should've helped me to get it out of my system or something. Quite the opposite, really. ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2015 at 05:02 PM ---------- Shadowsylke, it is painful. I really hope that at some point in the future we can make it work, but it's all complicated on her end, too. And I respect whatever choices she has to make. But my marriage is a mess and toxic and I need to leave for those reasons, my sexuality and her aside. I'm terrified. I have no idea how to make it all work on my own. I just know I need to, eventually. For a long time I thought I would just stay till my child was grown, but I just can't. Too many more years of my life that I'll never get back. ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2015 at 05:05 PM ---------- Zen fix, I'm not holding my breath for a fair day in court here. It will likely be very biased against me, if my sexuality is drug out into the open. And I have no doubt that it will be. As much as I'd like to just walk away, I have no means of supporting myself. So I'm going to try and work on that first, before making any sort of legal move.
Oh my, I could have written this post. My life is 500% complicated as is my girlfriends, both of us are still technically married and living with our husbands and kids. They are both aware of our relationship, and aren't thrilled but they don't prevent us from seeing each other. We have an amazing bond, we began this as best friends then fell in love and it escalated from there, to the deepest connection Ive ever felt with another person. We could snuggle and talk for hours about anything and everything. We love each other so much. The only thing unamazing about our relationship is that we don't get to be together at night much. Im sad all the time and I agree with you completely on feeling like torture not being able to be together when we want to be. Its so unbelievably hard. Hugs. I don't have much advice except to say Im right there with you.
Wait, you said he was aware that you were a bi-sexual before commitment, so I think he would not be able to use your time with a girl inside the marriage as leverage against you. You know, he made a choice as a well bound reasonable person. ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2015 at 07:42 PM ---------- I have a similar situation, but I'm the male, and she actually could not support herself alone right now. Money is a bitch, and i know I would not like to watch her in struggle while I lead my lifestyle. It would not be fair, and I'm sure plenty of men would do the same for their wife.
This would be a valid point if you are dealing with someone who appreciated logic. I think Imsky lives in a state where if this ended up in court there's a chance of getting a conservative judge or mediator who could lean in favor of the straight father. However, this is not a for sure thing and a family law lawyer can shed some light on what she is up against and how best to deal with it. ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2015 at 09:22 PM ---------- I hear you but nothing is for sure. Even if you got a judge who totally hates the gays they still have to take into account the care you've provided your child, how long you've been together and I'm sure many other factors. I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation, keep coming back here.
Imsky, I am sorry to hear this. Is there a way you could meet with someone in the legal field just to know what the laws are and what your options are? I think therapy would be good if you can find a way to do it, or maybe there is a free LGBT center within driving distance? I am just curious if you felt this way about your marriage before meeting her, if you were unhappy and you wanted out? Or did meeting her make you realize what a relationship could be? You are certainly not alone here. Please keep us updated on what's happening. EC is a great place to just vent and see that there are others struggling with this that are married. I wish you well.
