Tends to happen when i become more open about all this. Which leads me to believe that my thinking my severe depression and anxiety is not caused by my sexuality but something else, or im just naturally fucked up and im clinging to my sexualityas a means to feel something again. What if i chose to come out and it helped nothing? What if I'm fully out and it only makes everything worse? I started thinking heavily about going public. But it seems like its pointless. I get to these dark dark points where i wish i could check out, cant because i do not trust anyone to raise my kids and i do not want them to be raised anywhere similar to the way i was. Which is also agony cause i feel there is no way out of this. I feel like im not accepting this still more often than i am. I feel like the more i think about it the more im just destroying my life. I WANT it to go away. Still very much holding onto thr ideathat this is failure, if my marriage dosnt work we'll have failed like our parents, that my kids will grow up more damaged than necessary. I still don't know what i want. Most days i just want my current situation to work, other days i feel like I'll explode if i can never be with a girl, it fucking hurts. And yet i can still sit her and justify all the ways in which im not gay. That there must be something else going that is mmmaking me latch on to this idea vs finding the true cause. We started realizing we've let our marriage go over the list little while. Now I'm obsessed with thinking that's it. We just have to try harder and i won't have to be gay. Really really down time right now and i just want it all to stop.
Hi, im new so i've no great words of wisdom to share. I've been out of a long marriage for a while. The only way you can keep your kids safe is to be present. Living a lie takes so much from you, it's draining. I just wanted to extend some support, to remind you that you're not alone in these struggles x
(*hug*)(*hug*) I feel that way too sometimes, well except I don't have kids. But the depression and anxiety caused downspiraling is real, and it's strong, I know. I have no advise really, you shouldn't forget that the dark moment/phase always passes, as it always have and you will let yourself be yourself again. I realized that my doubts are also closely tied with my dark moments, but what I fail to realize is that it's not real, they are just thoughts. When I'm happy and feel fully myself I am usually not doubting my sexuality. So first comes the depression and then doubt follows. Then somehow it goes away and I'm happy again and myself again and there is no doubt. What helps me usually is to do something completely different from the routine. For example if I feel like shit at work, after work I should do something I haven't done before or for a while, go to the cinema, to the park, even to take a different route home, go eat somewhere I've never been, even listening to music I have never heard helps a lot. I know it is extremely hard to make yourself do stuff mentioned above when you are down, but if you have enough energy for it, it is so worth it!
ebda30, If you are feeling suicidal, please speak with your psychiatrist, therapist or other mental health provider immediately. If you don't have one, you should find one to help you work through your depression and anxiety. It's entirely possible that living inauthentically could be the root cause for your anxiety and depression. It's also possible that coming out will peel back a layer of the onion. Again you should speak to your psychiatrist or therapist to help here. Based on my own experience, coming out will help move you in the right direction and make you happier in the long run. Coming out will probably increase your anxiety in the short term as your husband processes the news. This is where a great therapist will help you. You should not view divorce as failure. Rather it is a correction of a mistake. Most people in the later in life forum have received messages from family, church, and school that being gay is bad and/or didn't have any positive gay role models growing up. As a result, we were not prepared to come out earlier in life. You were simply responding to the programming of early childhood. The failure is that you had bad programming growing up. (&&&)
Teatree i tend to have very little to no time beyond kids to vary what i do. Whixh i know adds to it, doing the exact same thing every single day gets to me. I wont kill myself, i cant siennafire. Just wish i could. Dont. Understand the point in general of living for myself or anytging like that when im just going to die and my memory wiped. It wont matter. It just feels like enduring this shit til im dead. Ive always thought that way, sometimes i wished my failed attempts as a kid were not fails. Cause this sucks. Its not jautthe part about being gay its everything, ive had severe depression since i was a kid and it gets really really bad sometimes and sometimes things are bearable. They dont feel that way now and like teatree said they tend to become better aftersolong. Imin between therapists.my last one told me i looked gay, and either i had to get "pussy on the side" or lwave my husband. Told me i should rethink having my implants removed cause with lifitng I'd end up looking like a dude. Told me that everyone probably assumes im gay anyway. Almost had a look of disgust when i told her i did not enjoy sex. Atfirst i thought she was helping but i only went three times and felt far more shitty than good.and im pretty sure we talked more about her than myself. Thats another thing. I tend to get angry when people tell me now that i look gay or when i do come out to someone they are not surprised. If everyone close to me has thought this why didny anyone say something to mme?? I know its not their problem or place but there was never an open ddialogue when i was a kid. It was never a point of conversation was not ever brought up to me and i always thought it was something WRONG like I'd grow out of it. Or like everyone felt this way. Now its all coming out, no one is surprised but me. I cant same im surprised imean ive thought it for a very long time, the surprising parts i guess is im not suppose to feel bad about this that is considered normal. I dont want to leave my husband, i want it to go away. Ive made my life choices i have four fuxking kids and zero life experience outisde of my kids and husband. Ive made my life choices and i dont know why i cant be happy with them. I feel like such a bitch when i cry and i cant fucking get a handle on this and i hate it. I think i should probably be medicated again. But everyone around me seems against this. ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2015 at 11:15 AM ---------- Oh my therpaist also said itsbetter for me to drink than to be on meds cause at least i still have a sex drive (after i told her i have no sex drive) and that shed rather be a little sad and want sex than to be happy and not want sex. That drinking is okay if you are still functional.
Shes a piece of shit cause she claimed she was lgbt friendly was suppose to be a sex therapist too, i think shes just sex obsessed. She said i was "transgender or whatevrr" and people that ckaim being non binary or genderqueer were just trying to feel better about themselves. Asked me what did it matter to me what gender i was, in this weird flippant way. Im on a waiting list foe a lesbian identified lgbt therapist in the area but shes one of very few so it takes a long while to get in, they told me up to 2 months
The doubts are normal. The fear is normal. We have kids and this is scary. We're not who we thought we were, who we've pretended to be for so long we lost ourselves. When I doubt myself, and I do, I look at my bracelet and remember how good it feels when I wear it out of the house. How good it feels when I can look at women the way I want to, not the way I'm expected to. How free I feel. We are allowed to be who we are, and even more so because we have kids. How do we teach them to accept themselves and those around us, if we don't accept ourselves? And that therapist needs a good bitch slap!
I'd definitely wait 2 months for the lesbian identified lgbt therapist - sounds like a huge upgrade from the previous one. It's so hard to find good therapists.
That therapist was truly a crazy bitch. I'm sorry she was in your life. You sound depressed. I'd start looking for mental health services ASAP. Go to your Primary care doctor if you dont have anyone else. Getting referrals and stuff can take a while an you need support now. Is there a chance you can work, even part time? Having some money and time away from kids would probably help your piece of mind.
Hi, I'm also married. I'm guilty of doing the same thing you are doing. My entire life was always my secret side, but to satisfy what I thought is supposed to be as a straitmale and just trying to constantly push me further away. Well, I'm 38 now, married 10 years, and it wasn't me who started to discuss my feelings. My wife asked me one drunk night, and my entire world changed. As of today our marriage is still at a level of wtf, there isn't any sex, and is just really wierd at times. Seems different when a female finds out her man actually has had, and likes males. I see a therapist too, but he never suggested the odd things your therapy has. But I think he is in tune spiritually and is helping me through. One thing I started doing was I started using Google docs to write down memories I have that I spent my life trying to erase. It so far has helped me understand and I feel foolish that I chose to think that I could ignore, supress, or wish that part of gone. So I made my life like this. And I'm guilty of destroying the feelings of a really awesome women who is the most nicest person I could ever think of meeting. When I met her, I realized something, and i even said this a few times to her and other people, I said, she is like the girl version of me, like I'm looking in a mirror attached to a parallel universe. No one, not even I could really understand what I was saying, but I know now what I meant by it. It also explains my constant jealousy of her being, dressing looks, and well, shoot, it's total dysfunctional situation. ---------- Post added 19th Oct 2015 at 07:21 PM ---------- But in addition I'm like you, would finally calling it what is, and give up my current life, for something that is truly unknown if it would really fulfill my love requirements? The best thing would for our spouses to agree to some kind of temporary period of time that would allow us to actually get into a relationship with a same-sex , but that is just a silly idea I think. So back to the basic label of, well I don't know.
