Update of sorts. In Therapy and at a crossroads.

Me again. Sorry if this rambles/TMI/rude and whatnot. I'm bad about that. One of those do-or-delete posts.

Been in therapy for about a month dealing with life (not just not being straight). By in large it has been a good thing.

Summary: My life stalled out, lost a business, got a do-nothing job and stewed for a few years. Make more than a few mistakes. Now I've got to rebuilt my life in general.

On the plus side I doubt I ever would have took a proper look at myself (aka not straight) had things kept moving.

On the downside I'm stuck with a major life choice that scares me enough to avoid it all together. I had entered the session thinking I should give up on therapy as I really don't want to change but to be honest I know change happens with or without us.

Me: I'm 38 staring at 40. My skill set is mechanical/skilled trades. Starting working summers when I was 10-12 and I ran a business that did the same. There's no real escaping that a person learns things and develops a mind frame and abilities over their life and like it or not this is me. Even if I tried to do other things that style of thinking and muscle memory will remain. That part of my "cake" is somewhat baked. I'm still conflicted about it, but there it is.

If you saw me in person/in action I would be (or at least think I am) the straightest dude in the room. I've overly dude. I deer hunted as a kid. I drive a truck. I've got scars where a ceiling fell in on me (a long story that ends with 15+ stitches). I've had farmer tans more years that not. I used to chew long cut (the first root canal cured me of that). Beer comes in two favors: bottles and cans. Need something fixed? I'm the guy or I know the guy....

Used to be a true gamer geek. The bad kind. Aka the girls-are-smelly neck beard. I'm the guy who asked "why does he put up with that out of her?" Looking back, duh. Feels, brah. Feels. Mistakes were made. Damage was minimal. Doesn't bother me much. Laughable now, really. Women do treat their men bad but I digress.

To be honest the only thing the "stereotypical" gay guy and I would have in common is we both think he's cute. Srs. I'm a full on fan boy for the fem boys.

Which brings me to my problem. I've got to get a life. Bigger problem -- what kind of life.

I can land a mechanical/trade skill job where I am. It would be a lower stress (employee vs self-employed, less hectic environment) of what I "escaped" when my business failed.

Pros: I know I would be good at it and could at least not embarrass myself. Would offer security (the openings are people retiring, the place is a fixture of the community) I have an "ins" of sorts given my current do-nothing job.

Cons: It, like the field, is straight-white-dude world. As a white dude who can change a tire and understands what a "backer" wrench is for I should fit right in. Other than the gay.

This is a place where guys I otherwise respect drop the n-word when the black guy's not in the room. During the Kentucky clerk thing I overheard "Don't get me wrong, I think they should all be taken out and shot, but she should've done her job."

I could never be out-out there, if that makes sense. Like talking about my weekend over Monday morning coffee with everyone else. I would at best be "that one" and in a world where peer respect is everything (because there isn't much else) it wouldn't be awesome. It would be bad. Very bad. Hermit outcast bad. "Why bother" bad.

I'm making too much out of it but I really wish the rednecks (like it or not I'm one of them, or at least a bordering tribe) would just grow up and get with the program. But they won't. Because Jesus. Because constitution and supreme court in-justices. Because they need the other to vilify in order to remind themselves their life isn't crap.

I know -- fear -- that if I take that job I'm resigning myself to the closet or at best a split life. One of those every-one-knows-but-says-nothing lives.

Short version (sorry).

I feel like I'm left with a single choice (other than not moving on).

Be the "person" I was, plus not-straight. I can be that anywhere, and to be honest I bet the people are same/close enough not to matter.

Or find a different line of work in a different place/city, where the word gay means gay and the word f-g is right out.

A part of me yearns to be someone else, anywhere else. I know that's not realistic. But I can't help but feel that I'm giving up too much either way. It seems that I have to either abandon twenty years of my past or stay in the closet/nearly so in order to have a life.

Add in doubts about how "gay" I really am (mostly of the "I could play it straight, honest" variety) and life is a bag of neurotic cats ATM.

I'm afraid that making too much out of it. But if feels like I have to give up one part of myself to be honest with the other part and I can't tell if any of it matters.

Question. Has anyone dealt with this?

Thanks again.

PC, confused as always.

 

It does. Thank you.

I ended up calling and canceling my next/future appointments with said counselor. The first session or two was useful but in the end it felt like I was talking to a wall and I can do that for free.

I don't know where I'm going from here. My sexuality is really just a small part of the problem, really. I feel cheated out of two decades then cheated again by people (including said counselor) who act like missing out on irreplaceable years of a person's life is no big deal. Had I had my legs under me at 18 or 20 I wouldn't be dealing with the rest of it now.

"Find something you like to do" is sensible advice but to be honest I don't know what I would like or if it matters to even try. Some days I take stock of my skills and aptitudes and feel that I've been forced into an identity (in general) that isn't near the person I should have been. And that it's too late to change those parts of myself (not entirely true/false). And that's paralyzing.

I'm probably in the wrong place/forum. I thought that accepting that I wasn't straight (jury's still out on the rest) would help me turn my life around. And it still might. But at the moment it just feels like one more problem. It might just have to wait its place in line.

Thanks again.

PC

 

Third time posting is the charm (user error + pc crash). Sometimes the universe spiting you is the only sign you're on the right track...

Looking back this post (and a few before) have been attention seeking and poor-little-me, at least in my judgement. Thanks, everyone, for putting up with it. It helps.

bi2me: Funny how everything sorta runs together, or at least dislodges everything else. Identity/job/sexuality -- guess they're all part of the same broth and I need to accept that.

PatrickUK: You're 100% right. My self defeating attitude(my opinion) is the problem and I'm the only one who can change it. I think the "I can't do X" is really "I'm afraid of doing X" and that's no way to live. I need to stop regret not doing and regret doing (or at least risk regretting whatever it is) for a change. If that makes any sense.

TTSP: That is an awesome idea. Only think stopping me is my mind (taking a "break" is not what adults do). I had thought about throwing myself at some disaster-aid group (the east coast floods to be exact) before but that would mean giving up my "perfect" dead end job (which in some ways it is) and getting on with life. But getting perspective would help. You're 100% right about that. Who knows. Maybe "out there" isn't any better (or maybe it is).

0617: In the abstract (because this is the internet) "I just feel they are going to tell me that I just need to move on." is exactly why I avoided therapy. At the risk of sounding hypocritical the first session did me some good in forcing me to admit that I was being hypercritical and that stood in the way of a happy and useful life. To be honest I think I outgrew the counselor, if that makes sense. Some things we have to do ourselves and looking elsewhere is just a reminder of what we're not doing. And given my book-length posts I can hardly say you are rambling . By all means continue. Please. I say that out of self interest, really. It is far easier to see the problem in someone else (we're all taught that self-anything = selfishness) and sound like you're someone walking the same (or similar) tired road as my own.

Weston: A change in location would/could help. Think I just need to get a grip on who I am rather than who-I-am-not. The example of your friend points out that most of this is just perception and preconceived notions of what is and what isn't. I think that's really holding me back. There's nothing really stopping me from turning wrenches and dating Mr fabulous, is there? Provided I like(or at least don't mind) turning wrenches.

As far as fem guys I don't think I'll ever get the dislike. Maybe the disdain for their gal pals and such (IE "not my crowd") but that doesn't make sense. This might be super het of me to say but you're not "friends" with this guy --you're dating him. My problem in that I know if I found "Mr right" rainbows and unicorns would show up ever time he entered the room. That's being snarky but given the world I've grown up in/might be comfortable with it would mean there's no more "shutting up and getting along" which has been a mainstay for a while.

Thanks again, everyone. I've got to take a deep breath and work on me -- the entire mess -- and get on with it. That's far harder than it sounds some days.

PC.

 

I'm sure you're right. What bothers me (other than a pile of regret over misspent years) is what if the problem isn't where I am but who I am. I mean some people can be unhappy just about anywhere. I would just be down and out/ going through the motions somewhere else.

Thank you for the perspective on city vs suburbia. It's hard to judge the value of a move (to somewhere more inclusive/whatnot) without idealizing it. Which then makes it unrealistic because any sane person knows that nothing turns out the way we imagine it.

Thanks again. It is nice to know that what I'm dealing with is nothing that hasn't been dealt with before.

PC

 

Sorry if I acted that it did -- didn't mean to. It stands to reason that building a positive life is easier where there's people who see you in a positive (or at least a neutral) fashion. That and a change in location can force a change in perspective and that's a big part of it.

Thanks again.

PC