Introduction: My curiosity started around 10 or so years ago although in the beginning I didn't really relate it to myself. Its been an off and on, slow evolving journey to get to this point. It seemed to start with my ex-wife who had told me about a girlfriend she had in her early twenties who had suggested to her that they have sex. The suggestion was so off the wall and out of the blue that she declined but it created the question for her of, could she as a heterosexual woman actually derive pleasure from a woman? We talked about it some and I found her thought process interesting from a philosophical point of view, and I think that's where my own curiosity began. I soon forgot about it until something came up that brought it back and then I would feel embarrassed and stuff my thoughts about it until the next time something would trigger my curiosity, so its been an on and off thing for several years. With each instance though my curiosity seemed to grow exponentially, awakening my sexuality until about a year or so ago when I finally decided I needed more understanding of this aspect of my sexuality and tried doing some research but there's not much out there, especially about people my age at least. There's porn sites, hook-up sites etc. but I'm not too interested in that and very little information to help understand this. I've joined a couple other discussion forums but have only had a couple of semi-meaningful discussions via PM's or email. I feel I need to be open with someone other than myself, expressing my thoughts and feelings but thus far haven't felt I've been able to. I have deduced some things, one of which is that for guys, especially my age, its really hard to talk about and I'm no exception. I joined this site because of its 'later in life' section and the ability to blog as I know writing thoughts down can be very helpful. It would be nice to just have a one-on-one conversation but will try and start here in the forum. Thanks, Matt
Welcome to EC. I think a lot of straight people worry about same sex curiousity, even though it's very common. If we really look at life there are few things that are absolutes; there are few things that we can point to with 100% certainty for all time and for the most part we accept that as fact, but when it comes to our sexuality many of us worry if we are not 100% straight (or gay) at all times. Recognising attraction to a member of the same sex or curiousity about same sex intimacy can provoke a kind of panicked reaction in straight people and emotional suppression and denial like nothing else. Irrational feelings of worry and concern that life will be turned upside down begin to surface and it can get really out of hand. Admitting to something that many millions of other people experience too (whether they care to admit it or not) is emotionally mature. Pretending that it's not happening is really unhealthy and unneccesary, because it's so normal. I commend you for coming here to talk about it. Can you say anymore about how the feelings seem to have developed?
Thanks for the great response PatrickUK. I agree with what you say. Its hard to convey in one post everything of course but I'm not worried, I accept that I am curious and know that I'm not the only one out there, for sure. Hopefully by my being here that someone like me who is just realizing their curiosity, might help them in their journey. I first heard of the Kinsey Scale When I was probably still in high school and even then, I had to agree that no one is 100% straight or gay, but somewhere in between. At that time though I didn't give much thought to it as I figured, and still do that I'm much closer to being straight than gay. Actually I've found my journey in curiosity to be interesting intellectually, learning about myself and a part of my sexuality that in a way I didn't really know existed until around 10 years ago. Yes I can but with so many thoughts, feelings, questions etc. that I think it might be best to put them all down in a blog so that this thread gets too long for a lot of people. Thanks again for the great response! Matt
Matt, Welcome to EC, I enjoy reading how open minded you are to exploring your curiosities. You seem to be very thoughtful and are taking a methodical approach to your assessment. I hope we can be of help as you explore and continue on your journey. I would suggest using the forums and take bite size pieces of your thoughts in threads. The blogs are great, but often do not have the same level of traffic and, as a result, the same type of dialogue. I will be keeping an eye out!
Welcome Matt! I just turned 51 myself and have had a lifetime of hidden feelings, occasional explorations, and complete inability to express my thoughts to most people. I have found this place amazing in its support. So many of us here haven't followed the "normal" timeline, where now kids (I think of them as still kids) are coming out in high school and never experiencing the attempt to have a "normal" looking life at all. You are in good company here and I hope you keep posting and exploring and sharing! (&&&)
That is so true about the "kids" now. My son (20) has friends of every sort; sexually, racially, culturally, etc. and there doesn't appear to be any of the stigmas that we had in my generation.
Yes, I think younger people are better able to figure out who they are then we were. Having said that, I'm sure they still struggle and that's why this site can be so helpful to EVERYONE.
