I am a 44 year old male, and I am bisexual. I have been together with my wife for 18 years, and married for 13 years, and have a daughter that I absolutely cherish and adore. More on my marriage status later though. I have, for as long as I can remember, loved, admired and envied the female life style. I love the hair, the clothes, the make up, the shape, the whole essence of females. I don't consider myself simply a "closeted cross-dresser or transvestite", as I really find myself yearning to actually become a female. I really am dying inside, because I want to come out to my wife and start up therapy and eventually hormones. (I am more than happy to fill in ALL the details of EVERYTHING, but to keep this from turning into my own personal memoirs, I'm just giving you the basic idea of what I'm going through mentally and emotionally.) I'm not getting any younger and the longer I put it off, the older I will be, and the less "Passable" I will be. I know, it's not about being "passable". It's more about externalizing my inner-self. But I feel my inner-self as being a more feminine looking me. I have long hair, I constantly workout to try to stay in shape (which she NEVER compliments me on). I think most people would initially question my sexuality, or just assume I'm effeminate. Not over the top "flaming" in any way, just enough though. I work in the wedding industry, so it's not uncommon for me to be a little "fem" when talking weddings with my clients. I am tired of all the sneaking and lying. I hate myself for it. I just want to be me. No more having to explain(or come up with excuses as to) why I like to shave my legs, wear tight clothes, have long hair, do yoga or anything else that is conceived as feminine. I already get the judgmental stares when I'm in public, so why not be who I want to be. That being said, I feel like if I were on hormones, sure I would still get some crazy looks, but I would be more feminine and feel more comfortable. I'm not insane, I know that if I walked in the grocery store wearing, say, leggings and boots, I would get totally chastised. But if I were to appear more like the female I have inside of me, I feel like I could dress anyway I wanted to no matter where I was going (within reason. Not going to the store dressed like a "club chick" ect.) with my head held high. I feel like the worst person on the planet because I have kept this from my wife for so long. In fact, I didn't even tell her that I was bisexual until a couple of weeks AFTER we got married. And we really haven't talk about it since. Now, as for the status of my marriage, it really isn't much of a marriage as far as the physical side of things. We haven't been intimate this year since New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. And, the previous years haven't been THAT much better. I know this sounds cliche', as I do love her, but I don't feel like I'm IN love with her anymore. I really feel like I am living with my best friend. That's it. Not a wife. I also really feel like she loves me, but is no longer in love with me either. Other than a few normal arguments here and there, we laugh and get a long great. Everyday I drive her to work. When she gets out of the car, we do the same meaningless "peck style" kiss. And that is the ONLY time we kiss. In other words, If she has a 4 day weekend where she doesn't work, we don't even kiss for 4 day straight. So that's my marriage in a nutshell. Before this goes on too far and bores you to death, I guess I need advice on how to come out to my wife and (oh yeah, get ready for this) my "very high functioning" Autistic daughter. She is my life. She is my everything. She is in a "main-stream" school. She has trouble fitting in socially because of her Asperger Syndrome, so I can't imagine the fun she'll have trying to fit in with transitioning dad/mom (yay!!! More self-loathing for me). I almost feel like coming out shouldn't be THAT much of a surprise, But the despicably selfish and coward-ish me doesn't want to take the chance of losing my wife and daughter. I know and realize that my wife probably will want to move on. But part of me is hoping that she will stay with me at least for a while to be with me during the transitioning phase of this. Like I said, she is my best friend. And thinking down the road, coming out to our friends and family is going to be difficult, and in many ways, more difficult for her and my daughter. I am so sorry that this turned out so long. And believe it or not, this is a very abbreviated version. So much more marriage issues and life issues (the whole adolescent thing) not mentioned in here. I am more than happy to give you any information you may want. Just let me know. But I am looking forward to advice, thoughts, comments, insight and help. Thank you all!!! Onlyhuman33
My sister came out 17 years ago, at the age of 53. The transition took about 2 years, including one year living as a woman, hormone therapy, and eventual sexual reassignment surgery. At the time, her daughter was in middle school. While she very much wanted to remain in her marriage, her wife was adamant that they separate. "I'm not a lesbian," were her actual words. This was a second marriage for my sister, who also had numerous affairs with women while still presenting as a man. After transition, she had sexual relations with both men and women, though she now said she prefers to be with women because she doesn't enjoy penetration. My sister's relationship with her ex-wife today is not good (I'm not sure they even speak at all), but she does enjoy a good relationship with her daughter. As a result of her coming out, my sister lost her job, and in fact, her entire career tanked, but those were early days and I expect she might have been able to hang onto her job today. Her economic circumstances today are marginal — she is pretty much dependent on her pension and some additional benefits as a "disabled" person (her disability being her transsexuality). I'm sorry that this is not an upbeat story, and probably not what you want to hear, but I will say that my sister would do it all again tomorrow if she had to. At the time, she said that were it not for her transitioning, she would be dead (with the implication that she would have taken her own life). I'm sure you will hear much more from people who have experienced this first hand, and as I said before, times have changed. Good luck!
I realize that this may be a very realistic expectation of my relationship with my wife. I've quite often thought about the "I'm not a lesbian" response from her. I am glad that your sister has a good relationship with her daughter. That would mean the world to me. To still have a great relationship with my daughter. I am very appreciative of your sister's and your experience with this. Like you said, it may not be an upbeat story, but it is a reality that I may face someday. Thank you.
I can try to tell you my story since they are similar. Only I decided that I'm not considering any type of actual change to my body, even though my body is a torture chamber, instead I'm feeling really comfortable and can see self acceptance in the horizon. So basically 2 years ago my wife of 10 years approached me on her suspicions that I might be gay, so I said at that moment, that's it, I'm not going to do this anymore, I can't keep this damage denial inside any longer, so I copt out bi but not active. Mentioned a few experiences and how I felt about it. Our life also morphed into the best friend love years prior to that, and sex became basically drunk moments, and when it was sex, it was unfulfilled by both. So anyway, back to the transgender issue and telling her.. I only just recently pin pointed all my already known feelings that yes, I am female but have male biology. I too prefer clean legs and privates, I do shop only for female socks and finally bought some panties just r to see if my feelings were accurate or just a figment of imagination. I put those things on me, and it's as if the person that has been denied 38 years, came to life. I felt empowered in my own personal identity, and it allowed me to communicate with that interperson, and the quest kicked off, and it's liberating to finally be able to honestly say that I am going to be happy. She knew already about my socks, but when I had to try and explain that I found my self and here it is, the response was what you should already know. They will not understand you 100%, and they will be confused and try to avoid it or get you to believe you are mentally ill. Ok, not everyone will react like this. Considering you are willing to do an actual transition, even for me, the best way to go at trying to bring the news is slow, and be aware and more considerate to the emotional chaos that will take place. I would not put my hopes on a happy ending though. Since our stories are so similar, would you like to be able to have a friend to talk to?
You shouldn't apologise. In fact, thank you for taking your time to register on this forum but more importantly sharing your story. By looking at it, it seems that what you are going through right now must be very difficult not only for you but to your family. As a gay cis man I do not know the feeling of having the struggle when it comes to dealing with your transition but I can tell you that I've struggled with trying to hide away my sexuality and eventually accepting it. I can tell you right now that you're not selfish because I don't see it any at all judging from the things you wrote but I can only see that you are a loving spouse, friend and someone who loves their daughter dearly. You seem to have this sense of guilt because you've been hiding away with what you truly feel about yourself and I think that's being brave but what makes you more courageous is you giving yourself a chance to open up about your true identity. Your issue is trying not to put more weight on your family but it seems like you and your wife are coming into terms that may be you guys only see yourselves as friends so maybe you can slowly open up to her about yourself? It seems that she will be able to understand you but if you're not ready to do that, may I suggest you talking to a licensed psychologist or maybe a support group? You seem like a nice person so I hope you can provide a feedback.
Thank you AshleyDi!!! We do indeed have similar stories, I am absolutely interested in have a friend to talk to. Thank you for sharing your story with me. It feels good to know that others have been through what I hope to be going through soon, and have survived to not only talk about it, but to help others. Thank you again ---------- Post added 21st Oct 2015 at 12:52 PM ---------- Thank you Tulipinacup!!! Your words are very strong and very supportive. So insightful too. I do indeed want to go to a psychologist or support group, but I don't know, shouldn't I come out to my wife first and hope they can help us together as family? Or should I go and get their help to actually come out to family? If I start going to a Psychologist or therapist, I would have to explain something to my wife as to why I'm going. Not to mention, the kind of therapist I would visit would also be a little give away as to why I'm going, wouldn't it? But you're right, the guilt I feel is so strong. I realize my fantasy world is just that, a fantasy. A world were I can be me, and my wife and daughter excepts me for who I am and everyone is happy. No, I know that there will be a life changing decision that will probably not end up like that at all. Which is why I want to come out to my wife so badly. She deserves better. She deserves to begin her new life as well. In the meantime (again, an unrealistic dream), I wish that before we can "transition" together. Meaning "ease into" our new lives as the friends we are now. Civil and without all the hurt that goes along with it. But we'll see. As for my daughter, I know I will still have her and her love no matter what. And that is so important to me. I could never live without her. And I know I won't have to. My wife would never do that to her or me. Again, sorry so long. But thank you again for responding to me. It really does help to know that there are people who care. So Thanks!!!
I too can't exactly relate to what you're going through, but you have my thoughts for sure. Sometimes, and this may be a case of needing to take my own advice, you just need to live your truth and own who you are so you can be comfortable in your skin. And the chips will fall where they may. The people who truly love you will only love you more for finally being yourself and being happy. And the people who don't, well, they shouldn't be in your life anyway. Good luck!
Welcome to EC! I have only been here around a month but I can truly say I have never felt so loved and supported in my life. There are a lot of very kind and caring people here. I appreciate your long story. It takes that long to give background so I consider it very helpful. You will see lots of us write long posts sometimes. I personally knew a lovely lady about 25 years ago who had been a man when I first met her. I didn't know her well before or after, but we were in a large social group together. I remember very clearly that after she started dressing as a female (I don't know if she had surgery or not) most of the people around her said horrible things, they were mortified, they didn't want to talk to her anymore. For me, I made a special effort to talk to her because I could relate to feeling an outcast. And I just never had gender roles crammed down my throat growing up so they seem very odd to me. I am so grateful that things are changing in the world more now and that things are slightly easier. But I am guessing it's never going to be truly easy to buck social norms and we all have to find a way to nurture ourselves in the face of hostility. There is a whole forum devoted to gender and I know the people there will also be very supportive. Those of us who are here in this forum, I would say, seem very close because making changes at older ages is indeed HARD! So anyway, we welcome you with open arms and hope very much that you find your fulfillment. (&&&)
First off, congrats on having an autistic child. How old is she? My son has just turned 14. And also, congrats on starting your journey. It will be hard, but this site is incredibly supportive and when you need help and advice, just ask
Thank you for the response. I couldn't agree more about the support. It feels really good to put out my inner most fears and other feelings, and people don't judge you or make you feel bad, strange or crazy here. People here accept you for you, and advise you and support you without even blinking an eye. For me, someone who has hidden a secret for so long, it feels so good to know that there are people out there that can help. I can only hope that I can help others feel as good and accepted as everyone here has made me feel. So again, I thank you, and everyone who has taken the time to read this thread and give me some insight and advise!! ---------- Post added 22nd Oct 2015 at 08:13 AM ---------- My daughter is 12. I take it that your son is autistic as well? That is, unto itself, is quite the challenge sometimes. That is also part of my guilt. That it does take a very special parent, a very self-less parent to meet the challenges of raising an autistic child. Now my daughter is very high functioning, but still has many obstacles in school. Mainly with social issues. And I feel like I am very selfish for wanting to eventually transition. I mean, as if my daughter doesn't have enough problems with kids being mean to her, or thinking she is strange. The kids are going to be brutal to her for having "a weirdo dad". Autism and my sexuality/gender identity. Two things she has absolutely no control over, and kids will make HER pay for both. So, even now while I am typing this out, I feel like I am the worst parent EVER for even considering putting her through that torment. I should be the one to take on that torment, not her. And trust me, that's how I feel inside, tormented. I mean, I want to be me, but being me may hurt my LOVE OF ALL LOVE, MY DAUGHTER. UUUGGGGH!!!! This is killing me.
Yes, my son is autistic. He is a challenge, high functioning in some aspects but with a severe speech impediment, and some behavioural issues (not bad but no grey. very happy or very sad or very angry) And they are stronger than we think! She will understand and want to help you. Let her (&&&)(&&&)
