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How happy with your current place in your journey are you?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by cate1515, Oct 21, 2015.

  1. cate1515

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    I am about 70% happy with my current place.
    My journey began when I was a kid, really but I refused to even allow myself to acknowledge the feelings I had.

    Fast forward to a year ago, age 32, married 7 years (settled but unhappy, we literally went years without having sex because I didn't want it, never did. We got along ok but we never had a romantic or sexual relationship. I never wanted to makeout, cuddle, or have sex with him or any man.) We had one child age 6. I became friends, then quickly best friends with a beautiful girl I had known for about 3 years, who is about 3 years older than me, also married with kids. Early in our friendship, we talked in detail about how our marriages never felt "right", we felt like we settled, never actually "wanted" to have sex or kiss or cuddle our husbands. We started spending practically all of our time together, and before we knew it we had an emotional relationship. When we weren't together we were texting or FB messaging each other. Then one night we spent a night together and admitted we loved each other, and our complete relationship formed.

    Our husbands know, aren't thrilled but don't prevent us from seeing each other. They also don't want us to leave and break up our families. Her & I have the most amazing bond and emotional connection. We share everything with each other, and can snuggle and talk for hours, and have an amazing physical relationship too. I think we both truly discovered what it means to be in love and actually desire another person. Ive never felt this strongly for another person. Today after we spent a great day together while the kids were at school (we are both self-employed and flexible so we get plenty of time together while our kids are at school), we both were talking about how we have truly never talked to another person as much as we talk to each other. We just talk about anything and everything.

    The only thing un-amazing about our relationship is we don't get to sleep next to each other at night. And the jealousy our husbands give us. They both know we are lesbians and we no longer have sexual relationships with them, but sometimes they still give us a hard time about it. I get it, finding out your wife is a lesbian and has a girlfriend must be life-changing and hard. I feel badly that Ive hurt my husband I really do. But at the same time, I want to be with her so badly. I wish we could just be together and have it all together. But for now, we must be patient and settle for our daytime amazing relationship (which is better than nothing!).

    So how happy is everyone else with their current spot in their journey?
     
  2. Distant Echo

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    I would like to be a lot further along than I am. I have so many moments when I wonder what I am doing. Even though I know I have to do this.
    I would like to have far more good days then bad and it is about 50/50 right now.
     
  3. SnowshoeGeek

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    I'm kind of amazed, really. When it pops into my head, "what if such-and-such person found out I was bisexual or lesbian, would I care?" and the answer is generally "Of course not, why would I?" I am totally shocked. Maybe it's because I've turned into the "crazy Yorkie lady" (I don't have any cats) and I figure most people probably wonder about me anyway. But coming to this site seems to have started a chain of thoughts and questions to myself and changed the way I look at the world.

    I am even considering coming out openly to my family (mom, aunt, uncle, cousin) whom I spend Thanksgiving with. Not sure if I need to make a statement to my teammates at work, but I've joined a group at my large company that is active in LGBT+ stuff, and I plan to attend more events with them. At least those people look at me with a general attitude of acceptance, no matter how I identify. They're just people who support diversity and it's something important to them. It's great that we have that kind of thing there!

    There has definitely been a critical mass this year, between the Supreme Court decision, a young friend of the family coming out, and... heh... Orange is the New Black. :icon_redf A whole bunch of things have come together in my mind. I wouldn't say I'm any closer to knowing "what I am" or whether I want to have another relationship with anyone of any gender. But I'm definitely smiling at women more and keeping it uppermost in my mind, when I go out anywhere, that I like women and do admire and lust after them, and it is ok to show that in my eyes as I walk past and smile.

    For myself I consider my not being in a relationship to be a phenomenal improvement, something I have never been brave enough to try and that always felt like a lonely empty concept before. But it has been freeing to my spirit to not feel that I have to answer to anyone. Whether this is a way-station or my new identity, it is a good place to be right now. I am finally allowing my mind to travel where it wants. And adding plaid to my wardrobe like crazy! :grin:

    Thanks for sharing and for asking!

    (&&&)​
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    I am not sure if I can measure this other than to reflect I am content and believe I have made the right decisions at this stage of my life.
     
  5. bi2me

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    I'm pretty happy right now... Maybe 90-95% for the moment. I'm feeling at peace with my marriage and being bisexual, possibly with polyamorous leanings.

    I'm becoming more open in my life, have a couple of close friends with whom I can discuss sexual/gender politics, and my husband is starting to understand how I feel about both him and my best friend/women in general.

    We've shared fantasies, worked on creating a more "queer style" of sex (see Jenny Block for commentary on this, but basically not always moving to PiV quickly - we weren't terrible about this, but we are being more purposeful), and have discussed what it's like to be hiding in plain sight and how I feel guilty about not coming out while at the same time feeling like there isn't a personal upside.

    He also shared with me last weekend that he knows I'd like to someday be with a woman, but neither of us think it's a great idea with young kids at home, so it's on the 10-15 year plan. In the meantime, he seems to get that I have a(n emotional?) need to be more physical with my best friend (and possibly other women), and we've negotiated terms for those interactions (clothes on/nothing in private or something I wouldn't do in public), so our extremely long hugs and snuggles are totally above board.

    I guess that's where I've come out on the need/want issue. I *need* to hug, snuggle, hold hands, etc. I *want* more intimacy than I can have right now.

    All in all, I've got it really good. A year ago, though, I was in crisis, feeling guilty about wanting/needing to be with my best friend, and not having anyone in person to talk with. It's been a hard year at times, and often emotional, but at this point, if I don't make much more progress, I'm pretty good.

    1-5 year plan: start attending some event at least once a year that is queer focused; try to reach out more to queer and queer friendly folks; be politically active among my friends so they know I'm at least supportive and involved, even if I'm not out to them; continue raising my kids with less implicit expectations about the types of relationships they are expected to have as teens and adults; keep trying to see my bff more than once a year

    5-10 year plan: start researching open relationships to see if it's something that might work for us.

    After that, who knows!
     
  6. baristajedi

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    There's 2 sides to it, one positive, one less positive.

    I feel like I've come a long way. I'm really happy with my chsnge in perspective in what it means to be bi and how mych I'm embracing it. I'm really far from expressing and acting in terms of embracing it. But I'm in a very happy place in terms of accepting me fully.

    I'm struggling a lot, as many of you know, in terms of whst it means for my marriage. And I'm still in the tiny tiny baby step part if that. I don't know when i will start to feel like that's either moving forward or thst I'm making my own steps to make that better... I suppose years.
     
    #6 baristajedi, Oct 22, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2015
  7. Shadowsylke

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    At this point, I'm very happy. I have a healthy relationship with a wonderful partner, and I really feel that I fit in my own skin, possibly for the first time.

    It was a rocky and scary road to get here, though, and I had no guarantees at the time that it was going to be worth it when I started down that road, which made me hesitate for a long time. But things really only started to get better for me once I stopped spinning in circles and decided to take the chance, take action and "show up" in my own life. Once I did that, things started to fall into place and the crazy storms in my heads started to subside.

    So yeah, while nothing is ever perfect, I would say that I am in a good place right now. Not a place I ever expected to be, for sure, but a good one. :slight_smile:
     
  8. rachael1954

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    For me, I'm pretty happy for the moment.

    The husband has given joint custody to the gf, I go between them with him getting the majority of time. What more could I want? Well my mind is racing all the time. What "could be" with her. So I guess I can never be 100% content, since I have everything and more. It could all fall apart at any moment, but it seems to be stable for now.

    I know it's not a long term solution, but will give me breathing room and space to feel alive and assess both while I figure this all out.
     
  9. cate1515

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    Wow you are patient. I would never think of 10-15 years as a viable timeframe to wait to be happy, for me. But Im not bisexual, I am a lesbian. Me & my girlfriend/best friend both know that the relationship we have now was what was always missing from our lives.
     
  10. bi2me

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    Maybe you missed my percentage. I actually am happy, and I've found that being physically close with my best friend is fulfilling to be to a large degree. I also don't want to break up my marriage, so a slow and steady approach has the best chance of working well. I also suspect it might not be quite that long, but that's where we are right now.
     
  11. Mocha

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    I'm pretty happy at the moment. Have come a huge way this last year. Split from my husband for many reasons just over a year ago. My sexuality issues I think just gave the final push for my decision to separate. I met my gf very soon after as I think my head was long out of the relationship and I was ready to explore a relationship with a woman. I didn't however imagine falling head over heels and still feel that way a year later! Things are settling down in terms of the separation and it's only recently I've realised how stressful earlier this year was for all of that. But most of all in terms of my coming out journey - I'm pretty much fully out to everyone now, well just about! And my gf and I have the most amazing relationship whereby I now know what the term "other half" really means. She literally is the other half if me and I'd feel incomplete without her now. So all in all, in a pretty good place at the moment .
     
  12. crazydog15

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    I'm impatient more than anything else. I want to be further along than I am. But does that mean I'm overall unhappy? I don't know.
     
  13. Zen fix

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    My feelings on this journey change from day to day. Whether I'm happy or depressed it always feels raw and fragile. I don't think I'm explaining that very well.
     
  14. confused04

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    I am at about -75 in my happiness levels, and have a hard time believing it will get much better. If I am lucky, maybe I can reach neutral, or 0. My depression and sexuality are intertwined, and right now depression has a strong lead.
     
  15. Beebop

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    I'm neutral about my current place. After spending these past 2 years walking around in circles, I now see quite clearly that there is no progress to be made in my current location. My journey will need to be resumed elsewhere. I hope I can manage to do that in the near future.
     
  16. pinklov3ly

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    Honestly, I am happy with my current situation. I have a boyfriend who allows me to date women. I'm very open with him about my feelings, although, I will admit that I prefer to hang out with my girlfriend than my boyfriend. I'm not really sure why when I met him before I met her. I'm guessing it's because I work with her so, duh, I am able to see her more than him.

    So, yeah that's my situation :grin:
     
    #16 pinklov3ly, Oct 24, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2015
  17. Chicagoblue

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    I've come out to one old straight friend who new me well and could tell many if he chooses. So, I'm prepared to go all the way but the timing is not right and its so hard.
     
  18. bibeauty28

    bibeauty28 Guest

    I guess I'm ok with the current spot I'm in. I want more though.

    I came out to everyone this year (before everyone thought it was 'cool' to do so, lol). And, let me tell you, that was something else! It was a rush! After coming out to everyone I felt a low. The rush was so intense that after I had told everyone I am bi I really had no place to go but down. I felt depressed for a little while. But I figured out why I was low. Once I did everything balanced out emotionally.

    I joined EC, put a lot of LGBT sites on my Facebook page, started watching more queer shows - The L Word, Sense 8 (If you haven't seen Sense 8 WATCH! It's on Netflix) etc. The one thing I haven't been able to do as of yet is attend any lgbt events or be social with any lgbt people. And I really crave that experience.

    Something that broke my heart this year is that I found out that my sister, whom I'm close to, is not the ally I thought I had. She expressed her annoyance with all things lgbt and how "in your face" we all are. This was after I came out, too. Anyway, that was a blow. She was the only one I had to talk o about lgbt issues. Now we stay away from the topic to avoid conflict. :icon_sad:

    I also don't 'feel bi enough'. I look very hetero. When I came out I thought there would be some ppl that it wouldn't be a surprise to. Turns out not one person saw it coming.

    So I'm kind of just sitting with the fact that everybody knows, but I'm not acting like/ living the life of a queer person. And I would really like to one day.

    Again, I just came out this year, so I am in the early phases of the queer life. And, I assume, I'm on track.
     
  19. UniqueJourney

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    I would say I'm currently fluctuating between 45% - 65%. And that's good for me. I'm making progress dealing with my PTSD and all the abuse in my past. I'm hopeful for the future. And I'm not stressing about my gender or sexuality.

    The only thing I'm finding difficult right now is my lack of friends. I'm becoming increasingly desperate for in-person social interaction. I'm pushing the boundaries of my PTSD seeking social situations I can handle (with difficulty and discomfort) but so far I've not made any real connections.

    I went to a board game meet up group today. Drove an hour to get there. And no one even greeted me when I joined them. I stayed and watched a game in progress, then played two games. But the only person who talked to me was a woman who came in toward the end. The whole thing made me very discouraged.

    Right this moment I can't imagine someone finding me attractive and loving/accepting me with my complex, non-binary gender and sexuality. I can't seem to connect with people when those aspects of me aren't even part of the equation.

    Patience is not a virtue I posses. I'm trying though. One day at a time.

    I'm feeling particularly low right now cause it's my birthday and I'm "celebrating" alone. But I also know I've come this far...and it will get better because I'm determined it will.
     
  20. bi2me

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    :birthday: