Let's say that you're hetero married but are a 3-6 on the Kinsey scale. And you're examining what role marriage has in your life. Obviously there are costs, and these costs get higher as you get higher on the Kinsey scale. My question is what are the costs, exactly? I can guess based on my own experience and these are below but was wondering if those with more experience/knowledge/depth of understanding can tell me what it is, exactly that's missing. 1. sex. there's something missing from sex, or no desire, or lack of fireworks, or all of the above? orgasms? 2. emotional/romantic connection. you can be friends or feel great connection with someone, but you can never feel a true bonding or 'soulmate' type connection? again fireworks? 3. everyday life. you interact with people you'd like to date, but you're married so you say nothing and act like you are cisgender. And therefore you're not being authentic whether with friends, at work, or with family. Any other thoughts? Why would a straight spouse want you to stay if you would rather go? If you can 'turn gay' suddenly at 40 could you 'turn straight' at 45? (Sexual fluidity and all that.) How is any of this different from the issue of having an extramarital affair (the angst, the blaming of your spouse, the wanting to change your life)? Sorry the rant and I know my answers may take years or decades to happen, but I don't like the current ambiguity and I want answers now, I don't want to waste years of my life in this fog of crisis. But I don't want to jump into a "solution" that is not sustainable long term. I see myself thrashing around aimlessly and just hurting myself and everyone around me because of my identity crisis.
"If you can 'turn gay' suddenly at 40 could you 'turn straight' at 45?" Good question. What I struggle with is how to deal with making plans for the next day with someone when it is quite likely that my mood and sexual interests take a 180 degree turn. My psyche doesn't wait the 5 years you cite but seems to flip over night sometimes. Oh for some consistency...
The idea behind sexual fluidity is not that your underlying orientation really changes but that there is some flux in your ability to be with people outside of your normal attractions. So you can experience enough attraction to a member of the opposite sex to be in a relationship even though you're basic orientation remains the same. For bi people there is some shift in terms of percentage same/opposite sex attractions and it varies person to person. Personally I've never had the same type of romantic attractions to men as I can experience for women, but I was still able to sleep with (and orgasm from) sex with men. That said, I couldn't imagine ever being in a relationship with a man again now.
Absolutely agree with this. Totally the same for me. I thought I was probably bisexual as only been with men, could orgasm etc though didn't really enjoy sex. I too wondered whether my attraction to women that seemed to be getting out of control might just be a phase and that I'd be back into men down the track. However, I've now been with my girlfriend for a year, following a split from my husband and I've also found that my attraction to her is completely different from what it was for a man. I don't feel like I'm flapping about now, unsure what I want or what my true orientation is. I couldn't even contemplate being with a man now, it's women that I definitely love!! Not just physically, but the emotional connection and the relationship. I'm absolutely not bisexual and I wouldn't have realised without being in a relationship with a woman.
Being a Kinsey 3, I'm really happy and fulfilled in my marriage AND I feel like there is something missing. I'm still trying to figure everything out, but I'm tired of feeling like I only have the options to look gay or straight or slutty (for dating multiple people or cheating). I've totally gotten behind a few things: 1. If your spouse (or other partners) knows and okays a behavior, it isn't cheating. 2. It is possible to be extremely happy in one relationship and still want something different/more from a sex life/relationship that the first person can't provide. 3. Monogamy can be a form of ownership over another person's body (that statementcame from my very straight, very monogamous husband who is starting to understand my perspective), informed by years of patriarchy. 4. It upsets me when people automatically say/imply that you should break up a good marriage to find yourself (try sex with another person). I don't see the logic there if both people are generally happy. You wouldn't do that because you wanted to take up golf; you would find a different person to golf with. 5. I'm still working out where female sexual contact falls on my needs/wants scale, but I know I need female physical companionship. I feel differently (calmer, more centered, more myself) after having a weekend with plenty of physical affection from my husband and my best friend (hers is not sexual).
Hmm, interesting thoughts! Agree about fluidity...I don't think it's so much about suddenly "turning" gay or straight, but more about moving around a bit on a spectrum that you already have within you. So it's a lot more subtle than "I'm gonna turn straight in 5 years", etc. I'm calling myself lesbian these days, but am technically bi in that I can still find men sexually attractive. But I would not want a relationship with one at this point in my life. Don't agree that monogamy is a form of ownership. I suppose it could be, but that's not the underlying idea, not for me, anyway. My wife and I are monogamous, and there is no patriarchy involved...I left that behind when I left my controlling marriage. And I couldn't do non-monogamy anyway...I would feel too pulled in different directions. But that's just me. What upsets me is when people automatically say that you should stay in a marriage just because you are already there...like, once you put that ring on your finger, you can never get out again. That's ridiculous. If the marriage is great and happy, that's one thing, but many, many marriages are not, yet people stay in them. And I think for some people, having side relationships can be a way to mentally escape and avoid facing the problems with the marriage, which in turn can keep people in bad marriages for even longer. Again, speaking for myself here, because that was the case with me. I could shut down and emotionally detach like a champ. I don't let myself do that anymore.
