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Unrequited love for the 1st time = absolutely heartbroken

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Xantheose, Oct 24, 2015.

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  1. Xantheose

    Xantheose
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    :cry:

    I started a new job a few months ago and quickly became friends with a guy who started on the same day as me. We started hanging out during breaks and stuff, and after about 2 or 3 weeks I started to develop intense feelings for him. We work in a call centre so we sat next to eachother a lot of times and I was always really happy with that, but whenever we had to sit seperately for whatever reason I always felt really gutted and depressed (I already deal with depression and social anxiety). Anyways we've went on a few work night outs together and they've always been alot of fun. The last time we ended up sleeping next to eachother on a bed (there were 2 girls and 2 guys altogether) and it was a bit overwhelming for me because I was insanely in love with him and he was literally laying right next to me asleep on the bed.

    Since we've met he always confides in me about his relationship problems with his girlfriend and we're definitely best friends at work. He always looks out for me and gives me advice regarding the job and whenever it's cold outside he always gives me a hot drink to hold in my hands to heat myself up. We text eachother occasionally but he doesn't text back often and while he did add me on Facebook and was part of a group chat with me and some other colleagues, he rarely ever used it and eventually deleted his account. He's pretty private I guess.

    The problem for me is that I'm getting far too upset and depressed whenever the "routine" breaks. We hang out at breaks together but pretty soon we're gonna be made to go on break at different times due to being in different 'teams' at work, and also it's incredibly hard to find seats next to eachother in a huge call centre so I'm always sort of dreading and get nervous about starting a shift incase we can never sit together and as a result we will start to drift apart. He lives a fair distance away from me and I'd like to hang out with him outside of work but how do I even ask that without sounding a bit creepy? Last week we hung out 3 times after work because he injured his hand and can't drive home so we had to wait on a bus together and went to a pub, this was gonna be the routine for the next 6 weeks until he healed but some other guy offered to drive him home so I'm pretty gutted and annoyed about that.

    I'm constantly thinking about him and as I've said, there's been times I've been pretty upset about it because I'm worried if things change at work that will prevent us hanging out then he'll forget all about me. He's a very good friend and I'm angry that I have feelings for him because I don't want to jeapordise a pretty good friendship, but at the same time I'm not sure I want to spend much longer trapped in this horrible position at work where I can't focus on the job or relax because I'm always thinking about him. There were a few times in the past where I used to sit and I'd be able to see him across the floor and he'd be hanging out with new people and laughing and he'd leave without saying goodbye to me and I'd be heartbroken and feeling that he'd replaced me.

    We've stuck together since Day 1 at the job (started on the same day, got trained together, worked together then got trained again for a new department and now we're gonna be working in a new department soon together again) but as he doesn't use Facebook, rarely texts anyone and lives too far away to hang out, I'm only gonna see him at work and if there's gonna be shifts where we can't talk or hang out or I see him "forgetting about me" and drifting away from me then I'll be so gutted again.

    This is just a rant and is all sounding very pathetic and stuff but I just need to rant to feel better. I can't stop thinking about him and I want him to be mine so badly but he's completely straight and the best I can ever hope for is a great friendship. I get butterflies anytime I see him and have been happier than I've ever been in my life whenever we've hung out together. Even just seeing a picture of him breaks my heart. :cry::cry::cry:
     
    #1 Xantheose, Oct 24, 2015
  2. Faazi

    Faazi
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    Hey there Xant. I hear you and feel your pain. I have been where you are now. I am sending you lots of positive vibes and love ...
     
    #2 Faazi, Oct 24, 2015
  3. scouse

    scouse
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    Ahhhh, it SUCKS. It really does. Hearts with you my friend because this stuff isn't easy and there isn't a quick fix.

    That said, you gotta try and get this back into a safe zone in work else you will drive yourself mad. If he's not sat with you that's fine, you're there to do a job, focus on that. You're still his friend even if he's talking to other people, or you're not sat by him. I have friends that I don't see for months but when we do get time together it's like no time has passed. If you focus on being a good friend that bond doesn't go away overnight. It may help to find other things/people to fill your time and mind outside of work hours, you can't allow circumstances with this guy to dictate your daily mood and happiness, it's not healthy for either of you.
     
    #3 scouse, Oct 24, 2015
  4. CapColors

    CapColors
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    Hey man. I totally know how you feel. Being in love with a straight person sucks.

    My advice to go find other gay people to hang out with. I think that having a new crush is really the only way to kill an old one. Just hoping it goes away rarely works. If it did, I'd be a lot happier in my life.
     
    #4 CapColors, Oct 24, 2015
  5. crazydog15

    crazydog15
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    Oh, I know the feeling...... I fell completely for a coworker about a year ago, and every day at work was both awesome and overwhelming. A couple of things helped me out, though. One, distance. Two, seeing his faults. First, me putting distance between me and him really helped me to deal with the fact that he's straight, and it helped maintain a good working relationship after I had a chance to recover from my crush. Second, seeing his faults helped me see that we really weren't all that good of friends (this is probably where my experience really diverges from yours). I acknowledged to myself that I sometimes felt like he was using me. Using me to learn at work and to learn about different recreational activities that he could then turn around and do with his "real" friends. That realization burned me pretty bad, but in hindsight, I'm glad I had it. It helped me put my dealings with him in a healthier perspective.

    Good luck to you
     
    #5 crazydog15, Oct 24, 2015
  6. Mirko

    Mirko
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    I don't think it sounds pathetic at all. Falling for somebody badly, only to realise that nothing more can or will ever happen, happens to everyone. Know that with time, and as you try start moving on, things will get better. You might find yourself thinking about the crush on him in the future, and as you think about it, start smiling.

    I would suggest trying to get to know others, trying to make some new friends or joining a social activity in town, to start moving on slowly. As it looks like that you are working with him, and even thought it might be hard to do so, but creating some distance might help as well. If you want to keep a friendship going, do so, but my suggestion would be to hold off with it, until you are over the feelings for him.

    (*hug*)(*hug*)
     
    #6 Mirko, Oct 25, 2015
  7. greatwhale

    greatwhale
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    Everything everyone said above is absolutely true, you need to keep him at a distance and respect who he is. Love brought you into this situation, and the true test of this love will be your capacity to let him go.

    But take heart, you can find joy even in this! Rejoice that you have now proven beyond any doubt that you have a heart that can love, and yes, that can also break a little!

    Let this episode be your lesson in love: to teach you what it feels like so that, for the next time, you will recognize that feeling when it happens. And it will happen again, provided you get out there and make an effort to meet others like yourself.
     
    #7 greatwhale, Oct 25, 2015
  8. Ryuji35

    Ryuji35
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    Xantheose,

    Time and distance are the key to that kind of situation. Everything that you've told here, are exactly the things that I have experienced three years ago. Although he left the company, and I wasn't able to recover for at least almost 2 years! And we didn't even became official. Just one-sided love from my end. :slight_smile:

    The "possessive" feelings are the worst. Again, I've been there. I can't stand seeing him happy with even workmates. I get jealous irrationally, hoping and SCREAMING inside of me that I hope he likes me back and be happy with my presence. Alone.

    But first, although it is a pain you technically want to relish. You have to realize that it is unhealthy and pointless. Unhealthy meaning, love shouldn't be possessive like that. Pointless because, reality-wise, he's straight and will not be able to return your feelings.

    With that said, your GREATEST adversary now is yourself. You HAVE TO steer clear from him from now on. DIVERT your attention to something else. Think about him, be obsessed about him but don't let him near you anymore.
     
    #8 Ryuji35, Oct 31, 2015
  9. zuice

    zuice
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    "But it was good to know that I could always try to love again." lyric from a song sung by Diana Ross: To love again. Relax, enjoy your potential to love again.
     
    #9 zuice, Nov 1, 2015
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