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relationship question

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Gunsai27, Oct 24, 2015.

  1. Gunsai27

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    I have a partner who is new to this world. She comes from being in a marriage for twenty yrs and as of this date still has not gotten a divorce. This should happen in a matter of months. We've been in a long distance relationship because of our jobs and in her case one child who has now become of age. We are due to move in together a year from now. While everything has gone relatively fine , recently she expressed a desire to meet other women (lesbian). I've had to return to the closet because of her , no one around her except her children and one best friend knows about us. I questioned what was possibly causing her to want to do this now after three years and why when I am away. We come together during the summer for two months and during Christmas for a month, my job allows me to do that. I asked her to wait until the Christmas vacation and we would research places where we could go together in her area. She seems to feel she has the right to have her own gay friends apart from me and she would like to do it on her own. She met a woman while traveling and struck a conversation. That woman has a lover and invited her to a music show at a bar. (Not a gay bar just straight. ) I expressed that I didn't like the idea of that but she felt that I was not allowing her the freedom to choose what to do. Against my better wishes and gut feeling I have allowed her to go. I have been gay for over thirty years and have been in only two relationships. I am not the type that likes to 'butterfly' around the lesbian world. My first lover the one who got me out of the closed , or the first woman to seduce me as I was only twenty two years old ( she was 38 and a co-worker of mine) cheated on me after a year and half of being together. With my second lover , I was twenty five at that time, I had a relationship for a period of ten years towards the end of our interaction she also cheated and that was the end of that. I remained single form the age of 33 to the time I turned 48, three years ago. So now I'm at this spot. In my perspective I do not think that there is space in a relashionship like ours to be wandering around meeting other women. I personally do not trust lesbian women and I do not hang around clicks of women because I dislike the relationship recycling that occurs with them. so I question why these women would ask her to go out somewhere without her partner (me). It all sounds fishy or odd. I feel like I'm loosing my mind ... Just need a little bit of perspective and maybe a sounding board. Thank you in advance for any help ...
     
  2. cate1515

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    Well, if her intentions are just to make and have friends, then id say she should have the freedom to have and maintain friendships. If she is looking to "meet woman" for the purpose of flirting or dating, again that's her choice, but you should reconsider yours if that is how she feels. :frowning2: Sorry I can see how hard this must be. Hope it works out.
     
  3. Gunsai27

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    We are a couple and as such I find the request from her to be odd. If we where a straight couple and my husband would want to have female friends of his own , that would be considered strange. I framed the situation to her that way and asked her how many girlfriends did her ex have during their marriage with whom he would go and hang out with. She thought my example was insane. We're both the same age so I guess this is just a newbie curiosity. And yes to have to go through this and at my age not fun at all.
    Thanks for your response cate1515 ..
     
  4. Lyana

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    Hey, Gunsai27.

    This is something you're going to have to talk through with your partner. You two clearly aren't on the same page. Have you asked her why she wants to make new lesbian friends? Not in an accusatory way, but to try to see where she's coming from. Right now, you don't understand her and she doesn't understand you, and that's your biggest problem.

    She does have the right to have her own friends. You don't get to "allow" her to do things. But you do get to express your opinion, and to end a relationship if no agreement can be found.
    I can understand her wanting to go without you, especially if you're long-distance. She might want friends she can see frequently, not just occasionally. She doesn't need you there present every time she sees someone. Besides, it's not uncommon for people in relationships to have friends that aren't "couple friends" -- and, in fact, it's healthy. I'm currently dating someone who identifies as a lesbian, and both of us have male and female friends, straight and gay. But we are happy and secure in our relationship.

    Your issue seems to be that you're concerned they won't be just friends. Do you trust your partner? It seems like you're concerned she will cheat, and this is leading to jealousy on your part. Is there a reason for your concern? Don't you think your girlfriend is trustworthy? Trust (and communication about your trust issues) is very, very important in a relationship.
    Even if she was going to cheat, being controlling isn't going to prevent that -- it would only make her feel more justified.

    Why? Why can't she have gay friends?
    Why do you not trust "lesbian women?" You are one. We're all just women.
     
  5. Gunsai27

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    You are right Lyana perhaps the issue stems from me. I have always been very trusting specially in my two previous interactions and was not a jealous type at all. I viewed that as total naiveness on my part and being young. Unfortunately in both instances I was blind sighted. I did explain to her that we were both talking about a difference in perspectives. I do not control nor care to control anything, nor do I let her do anything. i meant that I stated my concern with the situation and how it made me feel and "against my gut instincts" I encouraged her to follow her desires.
    As far as trusting 'lesbians' and being one, the recycling methodology of relationships that I have witnessed in my thirty years of being gay is undeniable. And as such is the one nature of lesbians that turns me off from hanging around with them. I mingle in an open group of people mostly career related and they're usually more straight than gay.
    Undoubtedly my past experiences have tainted my perspective and perhaps is blocking me from having an open view in this matter. And yes of course is a matter worthy of further discussion with my partner.

    Thank you for sharing thoughts
     
  6. silverhalo

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    Hey I think these thoughts are correct it is a combination of your past experiences, and her newbie status that is causing this. I think it is common when people first come out that they want to at least some degree have people around them that understand what they are going through and who they are and perhaps that is all it is.
    You don't really state what kind of support she has but with you being away most of the time that's got to be tough. I also understand how tough it must be on you too. Long distance relationships are never easy. I am sure if you talk it through with her some more you will be able to find a compromise that is acceptable to both of you.
     
  7. CapColors

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    These other people have given you some good advice. I'd try and talk to her plainly and be as understanding as you can. Being newly out does bring with it a yearning for community. Of course, if she wants to DATE other women, then obviously that's not cool.

    Also, couldn't you both be friends with these new possible friends of hers?