So, as some may recall, I have two young adult children (ok, one young adult, one actually legal adult at this point). We have been going to a family therapist together for some time to help us move on from the separation of their parents and try and build an independent relationship between us. As I have reflected previously, for the 19 years I was married and in the closet, I had emotionally removed myself from my family (although I was physically present) and focused my attention primarily on my career. As well, their mother overcompensated for her own lack of a father figure in her life growing up by being overly protective of our children; this was visible not only be me, but everyone whom shared part of their lives with us as a family. As such, they have an extremely close relationship with their mother, and less so with me. To be honest with myself, I am envious of the relationship they have with her, and I have only myself to blame for not having a similar type of bond. While I have been fortunate enough to be able to provide for my kids everything they needed, and while I love them dearly, I was not able to provide for them emotionally; that was left to their mother whom was more than happy to take the lead. Aside from the emotional disconnect, the worse my kids can claim agains me is the occasional temperamental outburst, being distracted at times, and conversing in what they call "business talk" rather than real talk when we were together while they were growing up. Over the past three years, I have worked hard to try and make up for lost time and pushed them to spend time with me so they can get to know me. Rather than embrace my efforts, they saw their time with me as a hassle, a requirement, and something they had to do rather than something they wanted to do. Two weeks ago, with the frustration building up inside of me for the lack of real progress, we had a very emotional session with the family therapist, and I expressed to them the lack of respect and appreciation for me which they have shown. I went as far to express my concern that they were acting like entitled kids (probably should have avoided that comment). At this weeks session, where it seemed we were making good progress following the emotional session of the prior week, as we were approaching the end of the session they both said they wanted closure from me and could no longer put the effort in to be a part of my life. I had to ask them if my being gay and some deep concern or lack of acceptance on their part was somehow partially to blame, and they were firm in their view that it did not; I guess I have no choice but to believe that. All the signs were there that we were heading towards this type of outcome. When I decided I needed to move out, I considered the risk of such an outcome; seeing then the lack of true connection between us and the strength of the bond they have with their mother. And, just as I contemplated, at the end of the day, they are adults, they do not feel they need me in their lives. I have laid the groundwork leading to this situation, I am responsible for this outcome. It does seem its time for me to move on. While I do love them, everyone needs to live their life. I will be there for them if they need me, but how they decide to engage with me is in their hands. I struggled over the past few weeks as this was playing out; seeing where it was heading the entire time - as if I was looking at a freight train coming at me and I had not way to avoid the collision. But now I have concluded that I need to move on and live my life; and look to the day when they grow into fully mature adults, and realize what a relationship with me actually means to them.
Its such a shame that your kids are being so standoffish. I have always worried about my relationship with the girls due to the fact that I work so much and have done so most of their lives. I'm blessed that I actually do have real close ties with my daughters, and I truly hope your kids can one day realize how much you have busted ass to be the best dad you could be. One thing I've learned is that true balance is so hard to achieve as there's never enough time in the day to do everything. We bust ass working hours on end for kids that we too often don't get as much time with as we would want. Hopefully in time they will finally see just how much you have done for them and truly appreciate the sacrifices you have made. Best of luck.
Thats for the thoughts. I agree, time will tell. It has been difficult accepting where the relationship is with them, but I have come to accept it is what it is.
One of the things I like most about Jewish ethics is their emphasis on the practicalities of doing the right thing, in other words, there is an emphasis on situational ethics. In your situation, there is indeed a bit of rabbinic wisdom that I would like to share with you. A man in a small village went to complain to the rabbi about his wayward and rebellious son and what to do about it. The rabbi answered simply, and profoundly: "love him more". You now realize what many men who've focused on work and providing for their families have had to realize once their children have grown up: that something important in the father/children relationship was overlooked. This is not at all to say this is your fault, it's the way things are set up in our culture where fathers, in general, are marginalized (and often ridiculed) in their role as fathers. Too often it becomes a matter of necessity, or convenience, to outsource the emotional nurturing part of raising children to the mother. You stated the following: May I suggest that this is perhaps the wrong approach. The kids will know that this is precisely what you described, a slightly desperate attempt to make up for lost time. You need to grieve that lost time, involving them in that process will not help, they are grieving it too. There is something very important that you have to accept about adolescent children. It's not their job to love you, it's your job to love them, without condition. You may rail at the injustice of their ingratitude and their alienation from you, but you have to remember that they are in the throes of figuring out what their lives are going to be and you will be less and less a part of it. Instead of insisting that they spend time with you, just let them know, and I mean really know that you will be there for them. Give them every possible means of communicating with you, all your phone numbers, all your e-mails, etc. And when they call (and they will) you make sure that you respond without hesitation or delay. You need to demonstrate at every opportunity they give you that you will do anything that is good for them. This will take time, you will need to prove to them that you are available as you have never been before, just let them open the door...and be patient. This is something you will have to build over time, and it will be well worth the effort.
In retrospect, pushing them was not the best thing to do. Would have been good if I had that wisdom previously, but lesson learned for sure. No doubt, I will always be there for them and love them, wherever this part of the journey takes us. That goes unquestioned, and my "job" in that regard remains. As the Rabbi says, "Love them more", and that much I can appreciate.
it may be somewhat of an age thing too, as they get older and working, raising families etc. they may look back and know where you are coming from. as you say time will tell.
There were a lot of things I never fully appreciated growing up when it came to my parents. Of course, I gained a whole new perspective once I had kids of my own.
Maturity certainly is a factor. Whats unfortunate is between now and then, I will be moving on with my life, and they will not be open to participating in it with me. ---------- Post added 26th Oct 2015 at 02:50 PM ---------- This is my greatest fear. We all had such experiences as kids. But my experience as an adult with kids actually reinforced the negative perceptions I had of my parents - in their case, they were selfish and narcissistic. And thats the perception that I would want to avoid my kids having of me.
That's understandable. I guess the only thing you can really do is just give it time and hope they come around. I can only imagine how hard that must be.
This sounds so much like the situation between my father and the rest of the family, minus the part about being openly gay (my mother has often wondered). Anyway, there are plenty of fathers who never knew there kids, but you did what you could. It's not something you can force - if and when they're ready to come around, they will. Easy for me to say, having never had kids and still living at home, but that's what I'd like if I were in their position. And yes, now that my father is getting older and nearing retirement, he does push to spend more time with me, when it was the opposite growing up!
