So I'm visiting my old (male) friend from high school, and his newest girlfriend has spent the weekend with him and his children. I liked her as soon as I met her, and also found her very hot. :icon_redf She and I have been having great conversations about life, traveling, and subjects we both studied in college. Yesterday at a children's museum, there was this great exhibit where two people put on these headbands and then use their brainwaves to push a little ball over to the other person's side... it was a trip, I thought about theoretical math and totally blew her away the first two times. Then the third, she plugged up her ears and closed her eyes and did her "grad school focus" and won. We had great laughs and fun. Later we were all at a movie and she was sitting between me and my friend. Before the movie started we were talking about reactions to scary scenes. She said, "If I get scared I'll just bury my head in someone's lap." I said, "Whose lap?" She laughed and said, "whoever is closest I suppose!" Anyway it was harmless and delightful and felt really good. Whether or not she's bisexual, I don't know, but it feels nice to be able to flirt with a girl. It's been a terribly long time! I hope my friend isn't jealous. :icon_bigg
I think this means a lot to me, because I have been so confused for the past few months. Thinking about my past, sure, I appear to have a bisexual past. But what am I now? I know I talk about identity having nothing to do with who a person is involved with. But sexual preference implies others to have a preference for, right? There has to be another person for it to even make sense. And frankly there just hasn't been a female in my sphere other than my platonic friends for going on ten years. So it's easy to look back at the past and say, it was a fluke, I was a wild child, blah blah blah. I wouldn't say that I'm over my internalized homophobia, or fear of rejection for that matter. I'm definitely not ready to act on these feelings with any woman in any way. But that little tingle I feel, and the way I admire her face, her hair, her breasts... it's really unmistakable. I'm hot for girls. Geez, I need to get on with the remaining five seasons I haven't seen of The L Word. Is this ever going to feel right and normal and okay to me???
I think it can all start to feel normal with time and continuing to act on your natural inclinations and talking it out, lots of rinse and repeat. This is why I want to go out on a regular basis and have these flirtatious interactions with women no matter what I choose with my husband because I need that normalcy in my life too. You're doing great Snowshoe! You're fighting against a lifetime of heteronormativity.
Good for you! Also I think being gay is a little like having a kid: only living it will make you ready. You'll never be ready beforehand, no matter how much you think you are. So don't worry about being perfectly ready. You won't ever be. Ready enough to try is the only real state anyone can achieve.
