What are realistic expectations for a newly out gay guy? I want to fully "be myself," which is great, but I also want to accomplish something. A relationship, lots of friends, that kind of thing, whatever I fantasized about before. But there are lots of baby steps to be taken in the meantime. So what would be realistic for now?
That is a pretty broad question. I would imagine each person has a unique and individual journey that they take. Maybe you can describe a bit more about what your expectations are, and then we can discuss various perspectives on them? In regards to a relationship, is it realistic to have one after you come out? I think they answer is dependent on a lot of factors, including your willingness to be proactive and seek one out. It also will be determined by what type of community you live in, how many avenues there are to meet people, etc etc etc. A few months after I came out, I did find myself in a relationship. In retrospect, I had rushed into it, a bit of a rebound relationship, and set for failure - but a relationship nonetheless. In regards to friends, similar to a relationship, it is situation specific. How do you define "a lot of friends"? For me, I have a few people that I have developed friendships with. Sufficient to get together on the weekends and do stuff with when my partner is not around. I never was looking for "a lot". I would suggest you make a list and prioritize what is important to you and then figure out what the right expectations are for each.
Maybe find something that can help you work toward a couple goals at once, like getting to know more queer people, without specifying whether or not they will be friends or partner material.
Hi there! As it was mentioned in a previous post, it really depends on how you define 'lots of friends' and also whether you feel ready for a relationship. I think a good question to ask yourself is how do you feel about dating or starting a relationship generally? It is natural of wanting to be out there, and as you say accomplish things to continue having the sense of being on that high of coming out and being out. But you also want to make sure that you don't rush into things and only come out of it with regrets or disappointments. Of course, there will be disappointments, or moments where you wish that things would have gone differently, but if you go in with low expectations (or perhaps with no expectations at all) overcoming these moments will be easier. I would suggest that you start out with small goals; something that is achievable and you feel comfortable with. Depending on what you feel comfortable with, a first step might be to join a LGBT support and/or social group in your community (if you haven't done so yet), or try joining some of the LGBTQ* events in town. This could help you to get to know others, and eventually develop some new friendships. If you feel comfortable with dating, maybe try giving it a shot, and see how it goes. I would also encourage you to think about the idea of having 'lots of friends.' Sometimes, having lots of friends doesn't mean that you will have strong and/or meaningful friendships. It is better to have a few friends, friends that you can trust and call up at midnight when you need to talk. Friends that make time for you, and want to spend time with you. Having a few friends over a 'lots of friends', will give you a chance to get to know them so much better, because now you have more time to spend with them, and time to put in the work that is needed to develop and maintain a meaningful relationship.
As others have said it depends on your situation, but I think even more it depends on your temperament. How much is this something you really want? How much are you willing to take the bull by the horns and make it happen? Are you alright with being completely out to make it happen? I think that last one is often key. When I came out I pretty much hit the ground running. I told my parents and then I was just out. I didn't bother sitting down with anyone else to have a conversation, but I completely stopped censoring myself and in pretty short order everyone knew. When I decided it was time to expand my gay circle of friends I made plans to go to Pride. When no one would go with me, I went alone. When I didn't really meet anyone, I went to my first gay bar. I found one along the parade route that a lot of people seemed to be going into and went in. When no one talked to me I started just approaching people and introducing myself and telling people it was my first parade. When people realized it was also my first time in a gay bar I became a bit of a curiosity and was introduced around. I met hundreds of people that afternoon and fell in with a group of about twenty guys who were my core group of friends for most of my twenties. Within a couple weeks I was going out with gay friends several times a week, dating, joining organizations, etc. You can take it as fast or as slow as you would like--or rather as fast or slow as you are willing to go. The one thing I will say is that if you want it to go faster, and it sounds like you do, you're going to have to do something. Hurry up and wait seems pretty common--and it rarely works.
