I don't want to lose me

That's really a powerful post! Seems you have found yourself before, and you have the ability to do it again and again.

 

I have the same dilemma, it is certainly an exhausting journey. The "Never fade away" tattoo I have reminds me that me matters and being content with current circumstances. Celebrate what makes you you, poetry helps me. I don't always share what I write, but just the thought that one day someone will read them assures me that I put something out there that is of me. I understand how it feels to be slipping away. . .

 

Maybe the idea is to lose all the things that aren't you; as a sculptor chips away all the unnecessary stuff to reveal the vision of the thing inside the marble block.

As C.G. Jung would say, life is the difficult and scary process of becoming oneself.

 

I completely understand the feeling and I'm quite impressed that you've actually done a fair bit of fighting to not lose yourself over the years.

This is a fight I believe I need to learn to take on myself. Losing yourself and your wants and needs at the sake of making other people happy is such an easy thing to do, especially when you also have abandonment issues like I do. But the irony there is by doing all of that, it feels like I'm abandoning myself.

 

For so long I have forgotten about my wants and needs so that I could try to be the best provider and father I could be. I bust my ass, and work 60 hours or more a week usually, and have been for the longest time. Over the years I definitely see how much I neglected myself and things I felt to try and make a home for my gf and kids. But I have been empty inside for what feels like forever. My kids have always been the one thing tho that I count on for making the world bearable. Now, I'm deciding to just be out and things feel so much better. My ex thinks I am the biggest ass that's ever walked the Earth, but all that aside, there is no way in hell I would be dragged back into the closet.

 

I think others have answered it better, but...


This. All of this.

Thank you for putting a major fear of mine into words. It helps.

PC

 

All I can say is this.
I lost me. I disappeared and I became what others expected me to be. I had to, just to survive. Being me wasn't safe.
But, somewhere in amongst the ruins, I was still there. And I'm back, stronger and more stubborn than ever.
You can't lose yourself. Not completely. As bad as things got for me (and you don't want to know how bad they got) I was still in there.
You are a very strong woman. You'll be fine.

 

Meditation helps me .... A lot
Just sitting with Myself
And the bigger picture

 

You've done this before, and you know what to do!

Are you looking for our love and support?

You have it ride:

(&&&)

 

I really hope this isn't shallow compared with what you are talking about, but your post resonated with me so very much.

Here are just a few (fairly concrete) things about me:

I am reasonably physically fit (for 48 anyway). I play footbag and racquetball and enjoy bicycling.

I am the Mistress of Drinks, Soups, Stews, Sauces, and Condiments, and a damned good cook generally. I invent new dishes, embellish existing ones, or simply recreate good food, and I delight in making people happy with food and drink.

I am musical, and both sing and play an instrument. I have strong interests in learning other instruments.

I am analytical. I enjoy learning about and using mathematics. I enjoy software analysis, design, and development. I enjoy investigating research questions in just about any discipline.

I am theatrical. I've been in plays, musicals, and more recently I've been writing for solo performance.

I am bisexual, and, I am discovering, polyamorous-natured, but for years I have been monogamous with a single female partner.

I am really good at explaining complex concepts to people to whom the ideas are completely new.

I am a Witch in a country dominated by Christians.

I am a diligent and productive worker.

I am fairly risk-averse, particularly financially and regarding my physical and emotional well-bring (and that of my partner).

I have 1000 notions of things to do in my downtime: puzzles, travel, reading, writing poetry or stories, posting in EC...many more...

Each of these things is a big part of me. You can perhaps see how many of these conflict, either inherently, or with one another, especially given that limited 24-hour nature of the days on this planet. I spend a great deal of time and energy trying to manage all of these facets. For many years, that analytical side took over in my career, and I found my musical and theatrical side completely getting buried. For years, I accepted unquestioningly that while I am with my partner, it is impossible for me to actualize my bisexuality or to love others...so my bi and poly nature was getting buried. I work full-time, and that takes time away from exercising, from cooking, and from my other 1000 side-pursuits.

I struggle on a daily, weekly, monthly, and annual basis with the danger of losing me, and how to guard against it. I work most things out, although some slip by the wayside.

Right now I feel like I am struggling with the whole bisexuality and poly side of losing me in the same way that you are struggling with your sexuality and marriage. Communication with my partner has been a real savior in this...we communicate well and often. It also helps that we're both bisexual (though I may not have known that about her if we didn't talk so much). But yes, I feel your pain and your struggle so much. It feels to me like we need to live 1000 lifetimes to really do everything that we feel a strong need to do.

I love the image that Mr. Whale brings up. But I don't do a lot that isn't me. It's a matter of there being so much that *is* me, that there isn't room enough for it in one life. What I'm trying to engage in now is dropping some of the most "worn" aspects of myself. I've been involved in analytical, technical work for years. It *feels* like if I drop that (somehow...I still have to eat, of course), I could be happy...but I'm also sure that as the analytical stuff recedes, I'll no doubt mourn it as well. And certainly, shedding monogamous habits bring huge amounts of risk and danger that I find difficult to embrace.

Damn. I have no answers for you, I guess. But I feel like I feel your pain. Maybe that's something? *hugs*

 

I think I'm losing myself every time when my self-confidence goes really low, when I'm living out of fear, when I'm not looking at life from my perspective but from another peoples perspective and make my choices according to what "others" would approve of. I basically lived all my life like that, so now I'm seriously wondering if I'll be able to clear out all this mess around "me" and finally live from first person perspective.
For me it's a constant battle but when I compare where I am now and where I was even a few month ago, there is visible progress.
I have a sticker on my PC monitor saying "switch the focus inside" since last week, just to remind myself

 

Maybe it's like finally watering a half dead plant. It's going to take a little while before it rejuvenates and blossoms but it will because it's still essentially the same flower. Just older.

[And may I say? I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for spelling "lose" with just one "o".]

 

Give it time. As you become more comfortable with your sexuality, it won't be the focus of your attention as it becomes an integrated aspect of you. Once this happens, you will naturally rediscover the other aspects of yourself. I'm not sure if there's a way to accelerate the process, except to surrender and not force it.

In re-reading this thread, I may have misinterpreted what you mean by not losing yourself. I had interpreted this to mean that you have accepted your bisexuality and want to reconstruct yourself in light of being bisexual and your true self.

Or do you mean that you feel that you are at risk of losing touch with your bisexual self because you are putting the needs of others ahead of your own? If so, ask yourself how you will feel about your choices on your death bed. Will you feel joy and happiness, or regret?

(&&&)

 

I think that's great advice! Start jettisoning things that you know are a facade, and find the real you buried underneath. That's a really interesting perspective. I like the Jung quote, too.