My apologies if this has been written about before, but I could use some advice. I've married to a man, but have been involved with a woman for almost 2 years. For reasons that involve my children, I've decided to stay in my marriage at least a few more years until our youngest child is out of the house. When I first made this decision (which took many month, tears and trips to the counselor's) I thought it wouldn't be too tough. That was quite an understatement. My husband and I rarely are intimate and I find myself longing to be out and be with a woman. Being in the closet sucks! How do I manage this? I've been struggling with finding ways to cope; exercise, reading, working full time, etc, but sometimes it's just not enough. It's only been a few years that I've realized that I'm actually a lesbian, so it's constantly on my mind. I see women who I would like to talk with, read stories of women who are together, have friendships with lesbian couples, and occasionally am intimate with the woman I'm involved with. It's like getting to taste the frosting, but not get the whole piece. I'm just not sure how long I can deal with living in the closet. What can I do?
I can fully understand how difficult this all is given that I have children myself. My relationship with their mother having ended back in June. There were other contributing factors, but I think my feeling that I finally just have to be "out", has kept me from even considering the notion of reconciliation. For the first time in my life, I genuinely care about myself and I am thinking about what I want and need for once. I think as long as you have a somehwat healthy relationship with your kids, that this doesn't all have to be quite so traumatizing, especially as at least your kids aren't very young. They have a better capacity for understanding things. If your husband is not aware of your being in this other relationship, then of course you have to expect quite a bit of hurt feelings. But then that could be due to the idea of the infidelity itself, rather than just your issues with your orientation. My ex keeps referring to how I "just want to be gay" as she cannot grasp that this is much more than being about sex or anything like that. Its finally being able to acknowledge this part of you, these desires. We spend our whole lives trying to fit into this image of what we think we are "supposed to be" and along the way it becomes harder and harder to really remember that what we want is every bit as important. Things are crappy between the ex and I, but there is no way I would ever go back into any closet. I feel *real* for the first time in ages. Good luck with everything.
(&&&) There are quite a few of us on here dealing with being in a relationship while bi or lesbian. Personally I think you are an amazingly strong woman. To have stuck it out for so long knowing you are lesbian is far more than I am going to be able to do. To have been in a relationship with a woman during this time too? Wow. You haven't said how old your kids are, but I'm guessing teenagers or close? No small children? Kids are resilient. They are strong. They will survive whatever you choose to do. I think you are already trying to work out how to walk out that door. Can you test your husband to see how he is likely to react? Is he homophobic for instance?
Im right there with you. Me & my best friend discovered we were in love with each other and formed a complete relationship with each other about 7 months ago. We are both married to men and have children, and we still live with our husbands and children. Our husbands know, they aren't thrilled, but don't prevent us from being together. We have both admitted we are lesbians. We have an amazing relationship, she is my best friend in the world, we have an amazing bond. We can snuggle and talk for hours, about absolutely everything. We are both 100% honest with each other, and share everything. Both of our marriages were always unhappy, settled on, and neither of us wanted anything to do with a sex life with our husbands. But together, its a totally different story, and Ive discovered what its like to truly be in love. The only thing un-amazing is that we don't get to be together at night very often. We did get to take a vacation together over the summer, which was amazing. But for now, it is what it is. Even though Im sad at night often, I wouldn't trade what we DO have. I wish we could just be together, and am hopeful it will be that way someday. I get it though, it is very complicated and difficult. But for me, I don't want to be with just any girl, I want it to be HER. What we have is amazing and special and I love her very much.
He's going to be crushed about it, but if he is an understanding person, he won't be angry with you. Since the relationship was you being with another woman, most guys wouldn't have the same sort of reaction as if you were cheating on him with a different man. If I was ever with a woman and this happened, I would simply realize that she was a lesbian and no longer had an interest in men as a whole. In short, I would not take it personally. I would advise telling him so that you are able to be with who you really want to be with, your girlfriend. If he is an understanding person, you and your husband might still be able to be friends without being in a sexual relationship.
I don't think the husband would necessarily be any more understanding just because its another woman. Either way, with the infidelity, there is still the sting of betrayal. And I don't think its realistic to even think that he would be so rational to think "oh she is just not into guys anymore". For the straight partners, especially those not so willing to let go, this is still the death of the relationship, there is gonna be grief, they may go thru the feelings of were they not good enough, or any other number of things. A lot of this stuff is not pleasant in the slightest to think about, and as such, this is why so many fight our true selves and agonize from within our little closets. Still tho, all of this has to be weighed against the consequences of NOT coming out. I have fought myself for so long, played the part I was supposed to for so long, that I eventually just felt numb to basically everything. And finally i just reached the point that, consequences be damned, I cannot live another moment in that closet anymore. Everybody has to make that decision for themselves in their own due time and some of us can handle it a lot longer than others. How much you can continue to live like this is truly something only that person themselves can decide. There's never gonna be a perfect time to break the news, so eventually it may just be where you have to throw it out there and just do whatever damage control you can afterwards.
Yeah, I'd agree with this. Living a lie will eventually wear a person down...there just comes a point where you can't fake it anymore, you know? But when that point is, only you will know, as we are all different. For me, it was pretty fast because I felt that I had already wasted so much of my life and didn't want to continue the charade and drag it out even more...but I didn't have kids to consider. But I know how you feel...the closet sucks. We are not meant to live in a closet. As they say, closets are for clothes! (*hug*)
