I think one of the central things I'm trying to get over is my *fear* of my sexuality. Not just my attraction to women, just the mere idea that I'm a sexual being, I think, scares me. (This I think comes a lot from being sexually abused as a kid.) But I've always wanted to connect on some level with my sexual identity. I think for that reason I've always been drawn to gay men. Like I crave some sense of connection to the feelings I have but I've not been able to let myself feel those feelings, so the safest way is to be around gay men, to be immersed in male gay pop culture, etc. I tend to be that girl with the male gay best friend. And I'm drawn to gay male artists (music, film, etc). I spent an inordinate amount of my childhood trying to reconnect with my uncle Charlie (my mom's uncle) who passed when I was little, and thinking deeply about his story. I knew his story from a very young age, about being gay and being caught with a man in his small town workplace after hours, and losing his job and having his reputation smeared. And I always wanted him to still be around, I told my mom he was my guardian angel. I met him only as s baby but I believed we had a deep connection. And his story fueled a lot of my writing as a 7, 8, 9 year old kid. I am only now starting to be comfortable with women, let alone my attraction to women, and craving bi and gay female role models, and wanting to connect more to their stories. At some point in my life I believed it was just because I was a tomboy, that I couldn't understand other girls. But I realised as a teen at least, there was more to it. I wonder if that abuse hadn't occurred, would I have come out ages ago? Would I have been able to have a more healthy view of sex and being bi and wanting to be with a woman? Would I have likely dated girls mord than guys? I am more attracted to women than men, but I'm still into men. So many thoughts swirling around about this.
Maybe I am reading your post wrong, but taking a step back and rereading it left me wondering if maybe you are still contemplating what your sexuality actually is. Or am I reading too much into it?
Meaning am I really a lesbian? I'm not questioning it, I feel pretty safe in saying I have very strong intense feelings for men sometimes, but truthfully more frequently it's women. There are three men in partucular that, my feelings for them were unmistakably real and romantic and the whole package. But I feel much more strongly attracted to women. I'm firmly bi, but if I had to give it a scale I'd be like Kinsey 4.5.
When I was younger. I would point to similar experiences with females to help me justify that I was bi. Boy was I wrong!
Hmm.. I'm not going to rule out that I'm gay, rather than bi. I mean I'm learning new stuff abiut myself every day. But my experiences make me feel that my feelings for men have ben the full/real deal. What's interesting though is no matter how in the closet I was, I've only ever fantasised about women, I've only ever looked at women, I've even gotten as far as imagining introducing a female partner to my family while at around the same age telling my dad, I'll never get married, it's not for me.meaning in my mind I'll never want to spend my life eith one man. Not sure how that all adds up but... I don't know, I'll use the show Firefly as an example. If I had to choose I'd go with Zoe (Gina Torres) as my girlfriend, or whatever she wants to be , I'm all yours Gina! (what a nice idea...Hmm...ok back to reality), but I would have a strong desire to choose Mal (Nathan Fillion). Zoe would win, but I'd wish that id had the chance to spend a little time (and have my way with) both.
Sort of, I've never found one with comprehensive questions, there are different versions out there, some seem really surface. I always come out on tests somewhere around 3 or 4, I know in my heart I'm like a 4.5 though, I think the tests are weighted to account for my sexual experience which....doesn't reflect my feelings necessarily.
Have you done the Kinsey test? Do you feel it reflects your identity? ---------- Post added 28th Oct 2015 at 12:44 AM ---------- I just took it again and this is what I got, although if I'd rate myself it would be 4.5, I still feel that way. Your result for The Kinsey-n-Klein Orientation Test ... Kinsey - 5 You scored 68 variable 1! Kinsey - 5 Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual. Basically gay but with a slight turn to the road. Like most people you are fairly constant in your attentions but your eyes have occasionally strayed. Some members of the opposite gender are just so pretty.
Yes. I waited awhile while I was getting comfortable with myself. I come up as a 5 which matches where I am right now.
I just think tests like these don't fully capture all the nuances I feel. I don't believe I'm misunderstanding my feelings, but it's always good to introspect.
I think a lot of women identify with men because they are the most powerful gender. I know quite a few very straight raging feminists that only enjoy m/m romance and erotica. For them, male bodies are a power fantasy, and a safe way to explore feeling sexual without all the baggage that the world places on women. What you are describing sounds both different and the same. M/M erotica that is written by women actually has very little to do with real gay men's experience. However, I DO think it's possible you are drawn to gay men's stories because they are the most vocal and visible kind of gay person AND because they are a safe distance from yourself. You can think of yourself through them and get both queer and male validation. I'm not sure how that would indicate anything about your OWN sexuality per se, other than what you yourself identified---you are just coming to terms with being a sexual being. Earlier, you were not as comfortable with it, so you chose to align yourself with queer males. Now you are feeling more comfortable as a sexual woman and so you are opening yourself up to identify with queer women, including your own self concept.
I think a lot of women identify with men because they are the most powerful gender. I know quite a few very straight raging feminists that only enjoy m/m romance and erotica. For them, male bodies are a power fantasy, and a safe way to explore feeling sexual without all the baggage that the world places on women. What you are describing sounds both different and the same. M/M erotica that is written by women actually has very little to do with real gay men's experience. However, I DO think it's possible you are drawn to gay men's stories because they are the most vocal and visible kind of gay person AND because they are a safe distance from yourself. You can think of yourself through them and get both queer and male validation. I'm not sure how that would indicate anything about your OWN sexuality per se, other than what you yourself identified---you are just coming to terms with being a sexual being. Earlier, you were not as comfortable with it, so you chose to align yourself with queer males. Now you are feeling more comfortable as a sexual woman and so you are opening yourself up to identify with queer women, including your own self concept.
This is why I relate so much to you, Barista. I too am questioning if I'm bi or not, because I've had two deep relationships with women and felt that I truly was in love with both, but I've always found guys attractive almost exclusively, and fantasized about men, and enjoyed sex with men. That's why part of me really thinks maybe I'm gay, and why a lot of people I talk to (especially gay guys) say I'm gay. But I almost feel like if I say I'm just gay, if I give in to that, then it invalidates the love I was in with those women. And that doesn't seem fair. My therapist pointed out to me the other day that we live in a very heterocentric world. We're taught how to be in relationships with the opposite sex. We're not at all taught how to function in same sex relationships. As he put it, "I know exactly how to have a successful relationship with a woman, but I am in no way, shape or form straight."
Here are my thoughts on labels and identification. I identify as gay, although I'm not a 6 on the Kinsey scale. I've self-assessed as 5 on the Kinsey scale, and I've been trying to find a label that's more precise than gay because I've been attracted sexually to women and I still find breasts enjoyable. I'll let the reader speculate whether this is lingering denial or my pedantic obsession with precision, although I feel that it's more the latter I've tried the labels "homoflexible" and "homoromantic bisexual", which while not universally recognized nevertheless helped clarify my thought process. Homoromantic in particular has been a powerful lens in reflecting on my journey in hindsight. While I've enjoyed sex with women, the real differentiation comes on the companionship and romantic side. I didn't know what I was missing until the first time I kissed a guy I cared about. Wow, I felt sparks and passion not available when I kissed a woman. I came out because I could not have my romantic needs met while in the closet. This is why in practice I identify as gay rather than bisexual, and doubt I will have another relationship with a woman. HTH ---------- Post added 28th Oct 2015 at 07:44 AM ---------- I've posted several times that there is no official Kinsey test and the one most commonly referenced on EC is not backed by research and often underscores by 1 (that is you could be a 4). I haven't looked at the Klein variant baristajedi mentions.
All of this makes sense. So maybe it's not that uncommon to view your cultural experiences through the lens of men. I do think for me that distance from self made it safer, yet allowed me to connect to my queer self. ---------- Post added 28th Oct 2015 at 02:52 PM ---------- You do totally get me . I feel like our experiences are so similar. What your therapist said is really helpful. It's true that we are inundated with hetero romance and coupling, it just sort of feels like we are defaulted into that category whether it aligns with our true identity or not. I don't know how much that plays into the relationships I've had. How much if it was based in real attraction and love versus just the default? I'm not really sure. ---------- Post added 28th Oct 2015 at 02:53 PM ---------- Right down the middle . ---------- Post added 28th Oct 2015 at 03:00 PM ---------- This thread is really starting to make me question my life choices a lot more. I've already been questioning what this means for my marriage, but now it's making me think maybe i have more to think about. Could Ut bd that I would click with a wonsn in a way that I don't even realise right now? This is making me feel like I need the experience with women even more than I'd already realised, first for better understanding of myself and second for fulfilment. But it's still leaving me with a struggle in terms of understsnding what it means for my marriage and my life overall. This has really started me thinking.
