It's been a long time since I've had strong emotion about my abuser but today it all just started bubbling up. And some things started to become more clear from that anger too. As far as abuse goes, it wasn't even that severe. He was only in my life for a little more than a year and it was all done through coercion not force... I realise that doesn't make it better, I just understand it could have been even more traumatic. But the lengths to which it's affected my life are just infuriating. He took my sexuality, he took it and made it his. He took something that was growing, a healthy part of me, and exploited it and took it from me and put it on display, and made me feel so confused, so disgusted by something that was mine and was natural and was healthy. I was 7 when all this happened, my parents had just gotten divorced, and I was going through a vulnerable time in my life. He was 17, the son of my dad's new girlfriend. He knew that I was vulnerable and he zoned in on my weaknesses and preyed on them and took my strengths and tried to tear them down. All of the manipulation started by trying to get me to turn against my brother. My brother was my rock. Everything that was happening in my life was unstable, but I had my big brother through it all. Anyway, when my dad and the gf broke up, it was my brother that I was able to tell and he's the one who took on the responsibility of getting my parents involved. I went into a shell snd started hiding from friends, when we moved I wasn't able to make friends. My grades started slipping, I was losing my hair.By the age of 11, my sense of sex was so warped, I was hypersexual, it was all I could think about, and I remember telling kids at school that I wanted to be a prostitute when I grew up so that I could get paid for having sex. It was like a way for me to feel that I could take power over my lost sense of sexuality. It carried on into my teen years, I was a troubled teen. I went from hypersexual to hiding my sexuality, even dated someone, at 18, that I had zero attraction for, who was very afraid of his sexuality, simply to feel safe and not have to deal with sex, this relationship was like 18-20. But I thought I largely dealt with much of this. It's only now that I'm realising that I've still hidden from my sexuality and I'm still afraid of it. And part if that fear has resulted in me being in the closet all this time. What a waste of my perfectly natural and healthy feelings. And today, while thinking about this, I realised what divorce means for me. It means making my daughter vulnerable, it means taking away her sense of security. And look what that's done to my life. My parents' divorce was amicable, and as smooth as a divorce could ever be. The truth is I wouldn't have it any other way for my parents. It has made them fuller and happier people. And I love my stepmom. And I'm not sure yet if divorce is what I need, but it's hard to even clearly think about it. Because I'm so scared about what that means for my daughter. I'm so angry and emotional right now, I'm crying just writing this.
I'm so very very sorry that this happened to you. (*hug*) I think anger is a good starting point sometimes, to get some very strong emotions to surface and we have the possibility to turn them into something beautiful even. To get some clarity after the emotional burst...
Your not alone..... http://emptyclosets.com/forum/physi...-sexual-acts.html?highlight=Coerced+childhood I wish I could hold your hand right now.
Thanks for the hugs TeaTree, it helps a lot. I think you're right, I think anger cdn be a good driver for making important changed or at the least, clearer introspection. I didn't realise how much my concern about divorce (in terms of my daughter) comes from this, that's fine thing I really only uncovered through these feelings just now. I hope you're right, that it can even lead to something beautiful . ---------- Post added 29th Oct 2015 at 12:10 AM ---------- Thank you for sharing this, and thanks for the support . I'm sorry for your experiences and really admire your strength to move forward. I have started reading through and will definitely keep reading the thread. Much of it resonates with me. For example: "Often, the survivor feels like he's responsible. Like he could/should have done more to stop the situation from happening." This is so true for me, and on one hand has made me feel "bad" and guilty, while on the other reinforced my powerlessness. That has created a lot of mixed and intense emotions for me .
I'm so sorry that you went through that and are going through it emotionally even now. Stay the strong person that you are. Hugs.
Anger is a good thing. Anger is what stops him from winning. Anger is what stops him from getting to control what you do with your life now. Anger makes you strong for yourself, and for your daughter. Don't let the bastard influence anything that you do now. You know you will protect your daughter, no matter what. You control your life and that piece of pondscum has no place there. (*hug*)
Thank you (*hug*). I know in one of your posts, you talked about protecting your little brother growing up. Not all of my life was this intense but my brother helped me through everything big and small, so I am fairly certain from my experience your protection probably means quite a lot to your little brother. ---------- Post added 29th Oct 2015 at 04:09 AM ---------- Thanks for your encouragement. And your words ring true, but I still have fear. I want to believe that I *can* protect my daughter, always, but I i believe my parents did all the right things. They were very proactive and thoughtful about the divorce and how it impacted us. But I was still left very vulnerable and that opened the door for this situation.
But they might not have thought of the possibility of what happened to you. You are aware. That is the difference. Once you've been through something like that :***: you are hyper-aware for your own kids
Huge safe hugs to you Barista from another survivor. I feel compassion for you inner child and your daughter and joy in your ability to open up and communicate your situation here. I have daughters and found myself being hyperaware of their vulnerability to predators specifically around the age of my abuse. Divorce, ugh, preparing to walk the same path here, dragging feet due to concerns about kids well being. Fortunately for your daughter you have the knowledge/experience from your abuse and hopefully will be able to protect and educate her, creating a different environment than your childhood. Wishing you a safe journey in your parenting adventure, J
It's true, I am hyper aware. I suppose about this particular abuse I have more experience and have rvrn read a great deal. But I don't know what else could become problematic for her as a result of being vulnerable. I am only voicing my fears, I do agree with you, this realisation of where my fears come from help me understand that if I do separate from my husband that I want to behyper vigilant about making the process as secure as possible for her. That's what I think I should take away from this, but as much as I can mayve see that, it's hard to live out those insights, because the fear is strong. ---------- Post added 29th Oct 2015 at 05:36 AM ---------- Thanks Irish, and hugs back to you. I'm glad you had the strength to move forward (*hug*). And i hope that you are able to get through your divorce with strength too. I do believe I am hyper aware, and that makes me feel I can be stronger for my little one. I just hope I can give her the strength and protection she needs to get through all the vulnerable times. And same with you and your little girls.
Oh hugs, Baristajedi! No matter what you do your daughter will be fine, because she has you. She's a lucky girl. (*hug*)
Thanks Cap (*hug*) ---------- Post added 29th Oct 2015 at 08:51 PM ---------- Thank you . That's s comforting thought, I really hope so.
I think we all go through cycles of dealing with things, coming around to them again and looking at them with new eyes. I don't find your emotions surprising at all, given what you have described. I would say, if I were to give any feedback at all: accept it, embrace it, talk about it, ride it out. Pretty difficult to spend so much time examining your own sexuality, as you have been, and not have this come up and start speaking to you again. For a while it may just be blinding rage, otherwise unintelligible. But it still makes perfect sense to me that you'd feel this. I always appreciate you sharing your inner world, and I am so very sorry that this terrible thing happened to you. (*hug*)
Thanks for the support. I always feel like coming to EC is like putting on a warm blanket. The support of everyone here really means so much to me.(&&&) ---------- Post added 30th Oct 2015 at 04:17 AM ---------- Thanks Snowshoe . I feel like my emotions are just a roller coaster ride lately, and I'm starting to do what you said, just ride it out. It's an important process and I think I'm growing by facing a lot of this stuff. And everything related to sexuality and how it fits into my life is starting to take a clearer shape. I'm getting to a clearer place where I'm getting glimpses of what fits the real me little by little I think. It may be a long time before I get there, but I think I'll get there.
