Seems like the only time I come on this site is when I've hit a low point in my life, or at least a lower then normal point. Well I'm there again. The depression is setting in hard and don't have anywhere else to turn. I don't have any friends that would understand, or that wouldn't think I was disgusting and never talk to me again. I can't handle that. I can't handle losing my family, my friends, my home, and really my life, I already feel like dying is the only way out, that would just push me over the edge. I feel so alone all of the time no matter how many people are around me and I've felt that way my whole life. I was adopted at birth and even though I went to an amazing family, I never felt like I belonged. Then when I was 9 I found my dad dead under a car he was working on. This messed me up for a long time. I gained a lot of weight and procceded to shut everyone in my life out. This led to me being bullied from 4th grade on up through high school. When I did find friends I would always do something that would drive them away. Now that I have a family, kids, friends and what should feel like a real life, I just can't go back to that dark place again. I wish I could just live like I am now forever. The problem is my sexual feelings are slowly killing me. I don't want to be with a woman anymore. I have no sexual feelings toward her at all. I do love her for being the mother of my kids and my best friend, but not as a lover. I've tried to find a guy to be with on the down low but that is impossible. Either they are not ok with my situation or I'm to fat and ugly for them to even look at. Usually the latter. If I come out I feel that I will end up completely alone. I know there is know easy answer but how am I supposed to go on like this? Why shouldn't I just end my life and let people go on with theirs? Will they hurt? Sure, but will that pain be any worse then the pain felt if I come out and ruin there lives that way? I guess any help would be appriciated. It does help just to know I'm not alone. Thanks for listening.
The fear of being alone after coming out is a real concern for many of us later in lifers. But what you need to consider is either a) the continued unhappiness that standing still and doing nothing brings or b) taking a risk for happiness and be proactive to meet people after you come out. That said, one of the things that is good to overcome is the fear of being alone, by actually being alone. Once you confront that fear, you might realise there was not that much to be afraid of. As far as your weight, you are in control of that. In the first instance, your weight should not hurt your ability to meet people. Meeting people at our age has more to do with confidence than appearance, this has been my experience at least. At the same time, you can lose the weight if it really bother you. I changed my eating habits and got into exercising and I lost 50lbs. And I have kept it off! As far as your relationship, and family, that's one the factors you need to take into consideration. Expect the worst, hope for the best. All this said, you can make a difference in your life to find happiness. And of the alternatives you have thought about, I would say to go out and find the happiness! Your life is worth it!
I have no simple words: your situation sounds difficult. I truly wish you nothing but the best my friend.
You're not alone. Many of us in mixed orientation marriages feel like fakes or unworthy. But we must confront our feelings the best we can. Death is not an answer. It's not an option to orphan your kids and widow your wife. Seek professional help now if you feel suicidal. There are hotlines that will talk you through the immediate crisis and sometimes there are even texting ones so you don't have to talk, which can be stressful and revealing. A google search turned up this one: Get Help Now | Crisis Text Line I haven't used them, so use your best judgement.
I was always depressed before I accept my self, now that I accept I still get depressed sometimes but not as before. You should try to do some kind of exercise because it will help to lose weight and also help with your depression. About being alone I have the same feeling as you, but if we are going to end up alone or not only the time will tell. But if you think, you are married have kids and you might have the feeling that you are alone because you are not being true with yourself and your family. What I would do if I were you, I would first try to accept myself, after try to talk with my wife about some LGBT topic like about the struggles of Caitlyn Jenner and see her reaction. I just bring up Caitlyn because she is in evidence. I think you will never lose your kids if you are a good father doesn't matter if you are gay, bi, drag, pan, they will love you, you might lose your wife but you kids I am pretty sure not. Take care
I'm not sure my life is worth it. Even though I try to be a good person and a good father I'm just deceiving everyone and will eventually just hurt them. ---------- Post added 30th Oct 2015 at 12:04 AM ---------- I've tried the counseling route many times. The last one I had up and left town just when I was getting ready to come out to her. She even informed me through a text message that she was leaving and I would have to find someone else. I just don't trust them anymore. ---------- Post added 30th Oct 2015 at 12:08 AM ---------- Anytime there is something LGBT based that comes up either in conversation or on tv she acts all disgusted. She is always saying how it's not natural. ---------- Post added 30th Oct 2015 at 12:10 AM ---------- Thank you
It is ok to be unattached. It is better to be unattached than to be miserably attached. As long as you are here, though, you are not alone. (&&&)
I just wanted to jump in to offer hugs and support. Like snowshoe said, you're not alone. Stick around here, this is a warm, supportive community. Share and vent with us, we'll be here to listen (*hug*)(&&&).
Snowshoe is totally right here. And so is OnTheHighway...your life is absolutely worth it. Hang in there!
Jrockcold, suicide is never a solution to the problem. Yes, I ends your issues however it creates a whole new set of issues for those you leave behind. A friend I went to school with committed suicide about 5 years ago. His wife and children have struggled ever since wondering what THEY did wrong. His son who had issues with drugs has relapsed several times always thinking the drugs would make him feel better. There are many guys in this forum that have been or who are married, I'm not amongst the group. However I'm sure that those who are or were are here to support and assist you. Hope you can find some inner peace.
As stated previously, you are not alone. You have more in common with many men and women on here than you could ever imagine. I hope that you are able to find EC to be a place that you can communicate safely not only when you are feeling down, but also when you are feeling better. Reaching out here is a great start for you to be able to communicate and open yourself up, finding an accepting community. I hope that you can find someone there to talk to, sometimes it takes awhile to find a good therapist. Don't give up!
I hope you're still reading this site. I can very much relate to your depression. The marriage, the kids, the loneliness even while surrounded by friends. I realized on my 50th birthday that the negative feelings had festered into something seriously dark. I was suddenly at the end of my rope. This site helped relieve a lot tension for me. There are MANY of us with this same story at various stages of our lives. So your first action should be to stick around and talk and listen. Secondly; I've had many therapists in the past and I never felt comfortable enough to say "I am gay". I asked an admin here for help finding someone appropriate for me to talk to. I discovered with technology we have access to a world of brilliant and compassionate professionals. You have no idea what talking about this openly with someone who truly gets the pain and wants to help is like. I said the words out loud for the first time to her and an unbearable weight began to lift from me. I'm not done figuring this out, some days are dark still, but I no longer feel like there is no where to turn... I have hope for the first time in my life. Please find someone to help you, you have so much life to live! You are young. You have so much time to work on this, to make the changes you feel are necessary and gain the confidence to be at peace and even enjoy your life. It is not easy, but I know it is possible as I am living proof my friend.
