Stuck in a loop

Things are starting to get clearer and clearer for me in terms of my sexuality, what it means to me and what I want in terms of it all. But I'm still stuck on some things related to how my marriage fits into all of this.

In terms of my marriage, obviously my husband and I have lots of things to work through that would take serious work, investment and time. But to have faith in it working, all I need is to see he is willing to face things with me and to know he acknowledges the need to put in the work, and has the willingness to invest the energy. After several great talks, and some action in his behalf, I believe that he does. It has been incrementally getting more to that point, and finally I see that he does have it in him, and so I know if we work hard, we could be a strong couple.

In terms of my sexuality though.... So I've started to see that I need to find some way to explore who I am as a gay-ish, bi mostly gay woman (this is the best I can seem to come up with to describe my orientation). When I say explore i mean that I think I need more than simply talking with my husband about my desires or reading erotic literature, writing my own, etc. I need something that involves actual romantic interaction with bi or gay women.

I don't know yet if I can be fulfilled by something as simple as going to a bar every few weeks, flirting with women and then going home, or if I need to go further, be intimate with a woman, build a connection with a woman, or even date around a bit.

I just honestly don't know what I need. And then let's say I do date around...would I inly need that for a while and then I'd feel content continuing on with my husband as usual? (if he'd have me back).

And because were not just married, but have our daughter to think about, I feel like I need to know the answers to these questions before I disrupt our marriage. But how can you know the answers to those things until you go out and do them?

And let's say it is just a need to go out and explore temporarily. If in the end I'd want to be back with my husband, would that experience have been worth risking our family stability? Meaning, if that's what I need is there anything else I could do to feel the same fulfilment I'd get from that temporary marriage hiatus?

I don't know where to go from here... I suppose the only 2 things I can think of are 1, talking it through with my husband (which at this point feels like a can of worms I'm not ready to open) and 2, trying out going to bars and flirting innocently and see where that leaves me...but I don't think I'd know the answers to all of my questions from that alone.

So I'm stuck in this loop, knowing I need to explore but wanting to know where that exploration will lead before I do it. Guys, I need your wisdom and encouragement, I don't know what to do.

 

GJ

I always love your questions, Snowshoe .


Have you had any sexual experiences with women?

- I have had only one sexual experience with a woman. I don't count it much towards my feelings for women because it came about in a way that was generally uncomfortable...my ex and I picked up a girl together. It was a way to explore things that seemed ok in theory but fell flat for me because it wasn't on my terms and wasn't my style.

Nonsexual experiences with women were much more powerful for me but to an outsider would seem like nothing. The almos kisses, touches that lasted a little longer than a platonic touch, flirtations that didn't lead anywhere. All of that stuff left me with a feeling of "I want more" or "why didn't I let myself go further?"

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If not, what is it that has persuaded you that you are 80% gay-ish?


-well, as far back as I can remember, it's been primarily women (girls when I was a kid) that I responded to, felt something for, attraction, curiosity, desire, etc. I did/do also notice boys/men but much more often and with more intensity, it's been girls/women. When it comes to boys/men sometimes I have/do find a man attractive and sometimes it can be intense. But usually it would take a lot of ground work to lead there, like he'd pursue me for a while or i'd convince myself that he was really cool and interestung and the kind of guy I'd really like.

With girls/women it has always happened without effort and just, I don't know, happened. I'd feel stuff without any prompting or ground work or effort. I recognised the attraction sometimes wuite clearly and sometimes i'd explain it away (the stronger the attraction or the more close the person was to me in my life, the more likely I'd push it away) but it was always there.
When it comes to simply what I like to look at, I knew I liked to watch women more, liked their curves, their softness, their energy and found a lot more pleasure in that than looking at men. Some men would get me, draw me in, with their eyes, or simply their energy, but again, it has always generally been women.

When it comes to fantasies, this is the area where frim the earliest age I could fantasise (7?) or where I remember fantasising, I have from day one until now fantasised exclusively about women. No exceptions in that area.


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I ask because the allure of the forbidden can be very powerful indeed. It's like that line from Star Trek: TOS, Amok Time ... "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."


Love the nerd reference you do get me Snowshoe

Yes, this is a worry for me. To what level of intensity is my attraction simply driven by having never fulfilled this desire. The desire is certainly real, but how intense of a need is this? How can I know that having never even once going for it and exploring it?

So yes I do lack data. And that worries me on terms of how much it can change my life to explore this, and in the end I have to know disrupting my marriage was worth it. But the desire, never being explored, cannot be healthy. So wtf can I do? It feels like a huge risk but with a lot of loss on both sides of the coin.

 

#2 and 4 sound the most close to what would purely make me happy at this point. I think that my husband would not do #2, ever. And #4 concerns me simply because of my daughter. I just feel like any big change to her life is one I want to approach with caution.

#1 seems potentially palatable.

I'm hoping to avoid divorce but if we separated and it felt right to be apart, that would certainly be an option.

My ethics and genuine love for my husband tell me not to cheat, but I won't lie and say I don't find that extremely tempting...

 

I've been thinking that no matter what I do, all of this may end my marriage. This is the reason I'm having so much trouble making a decision, because I know I need this, I need to explore this part of me, but like you said, if I'm 80% gay as I think I am, there's that possibility that my marriage is what I'll continue to want in the long run...

I feel like my biggest concern is that I'm missing the mark just a bit in understanding my orientation and that my exploration will uncover that.

What if it turns out that I'm much more satisfied by a woman than I ever could be by a man - in that case leaving my husband seems to be completely for the best, and with the emptiness I'm feeling lately, the possibility of that kind of happiness is very tempting.

But what if it turns out, yeah I like women but men do it for me just as well. Then it all seems like risking my marriage would be careless and would just create heartache for everyone for very little benefit. I'm ok with that risk if it weren't for caring about my daughter's wellbeing.

That element of uncertainty is really making it hard for me to think about what I should do.

---------- Post added 31st Oct 2015 at 07:57 PM ----------

Well, I didn't really bring it up directly but I did say something hypothetical about how some people respond to these kinds if circumstances, and he was very against the idea, basically said it would not be ok with him. I didn't specify that he would have freedom to explore too, but if I know my husband like I think I do, that will not sway him. He will find the whole thing very much agsinst his sense of what makes a relationship feel right and safe and comfortable.

And ps, Cap I have to cast a little doubt on your theory that your husband's a better catch than you. You are pretty f*ing awesome, if I can throw my 2 cents in.

 

I think that's a reasonable thing to do, and i think I will do it. But one thing is, I don't know where we would live if I were to decide to separate from my husband.

But one thing that's been going through my mind is...I don't know if I want a relationship all that soon anyway. I would want to date, but I'd be a single mom, and I don't know how soon I'd want to bring someone home or get serious.

I feel sort of like my current city and other cities I'd consider living would have a decent gay population. I might even end up in your city Cap, because that's where we moved from most recently and that kind if feels like home to me.

But you're right, I don't really know the gay scene here, never having navigated it. I do sort of know the gay scene in my hometown, which is a likely place for us too.