Can't tell if the grass is greener...

I'm not sure where this is going, but I'll just write.

I feel like I gave up on women a long time ago, as romantic partners I mean. Maybe that is why it's been easier to become platonic friends with them this past few years. But my few experiences with women were brief and heartbreaking, not that I regret them in any way. While I met women I was crazy about who didn't want more than the "one time" we had together, I also occasionally met women who seemed interested in more, and I ran the other way (why???)

Now that I feel like I have given up on men as well... it's just me. So it feels like I have no orientation right now. With no man in my life who "expects sex" I have only my own internal motivators, my own fantasies. But I feel like I've lost that kind of passion. I do not know if it is menopause, or the anti-anxiety meds, or simple frustration at not finding anyone nearby interesting enough to pursue. That last one is a biggie, since I could certainly pick up some man or woman if I were to go out trolling for that. I know how to throw myself at someone! The question is whether I'd be chewing my arm off the next day to sneak out of bed...

I think I'm just plain picky and it gets worse as time goes on. I guess the decision I have now officially made on both gender fronts is, I won't bring someone into my life just for the sake of having someone. If there isn't anyone I really feel a compelling attraction to, and really feel that I could connect with, then there won't be anyone, period.

I did have a man (twenty years ago) who would have stayed with me forever, I have no doubt. Especially if we'd had kids. But I decided that I couldn't live with his homophobia, his racism, his smoking, his anger... so I abandoned certainty and drove across the country for a very different kind of man with whom I could openly pursue women (or anyone) and he could also. Weirdness but yes, I did have some more life experiences and some more women. But since I wanted something flexible, I got it, and it flexibled itself right into a friendship-only, I guess, or at least not true love anymore... and I am once again uncertain what the future holds.

If you have certainty right now... would you give it up for the freedom to do what you wanted... even if there wasn't "someone out there"? Did I make a mistake? I don't believe "there is someone for everyone" or "everything happens for a reason" or any of that other romance movie stuff. I'm not a pessimist at all, and I'm a cheerful person, I swear! I just recognize the possibility that I may not ever be partnered again due to my very colorful approach to life and the dwindling number of available people as we age...

I like to be profound and wise when I can but I really feel out on a limb. I have given up what most people consider their most valuable thing, for what? For the freedom to do whatever the hell I want? And I wanted this freedom for so long, pined away for it in fact when I was monogamously involved. So I have it now, how does that feel! :eek:

This feels like the other side of the fence in this forum... I'm not sure if the grass is greener...

 

Wow! It just hit me why I like to ask questions - I also benefit from being asked questions!

As I think about it, I've "left" my life three times:

1. Going away to college at U.C. Berkeley at 17. I wanted out of my provincial hometown and I wanted to be able to express myself freely in a more liberal area. I was fully conscious (maybe more than now) of my adoration of women and I thought that living in a more tolerant area would help me feel less out of place. So, I wanted to be free to be myself - free of any outside forces contributing to shame.

2. Leaving said husband to move closer to my parents and move in with a much more accepting man. Well, one of the items on the list there was definitely sex - I had great sex (i.e. sex with orgasms) for the first time ever with this new guy. I also wanted to be free of the feeling unable to talk about my experiences (former hubby didn't know anything of my sexual history) and free of his homophobic rants. So I wanted to expand my pleasure and avoid that judgment and again shame.

3. Moving to Iowa for a job. This may not count. I certainly didn't do it for the culture! (Except people here are VERY nice and my sensitive self appreciates that.) But the main thing was to get away from what was an uncomfortable environment with the "exes" who were just friends, and I felt I had an unhealthy attachment to. And to pursue a good job where I could at long last support myself in comfort. And to really do something independent for the very first time in my life.


Combining the aspects of the two relationships.... hmmm. Oddly enough when I think of my FWB that I've told I need to be "just friends" with, he fits the bill very well. He's very accepting of who I am, yet he's inherently monogamous. He's very attuned to my pleasure. What's the problem you say? He's getting a divorce after 32 years and he doesn't know if he ever wants to get that close again. He's into "one day at a time." Which of course might be what I like about him!

So what about women? Or whether to have a partner in general? Honestly I think where I am is the culmination of too many back-to-back relationships and trysts over three and a half decades. I want to be able to breathe and not worry about keeping anyone around. Worrying about keeping someone around has enabled me to not think of my own wants. And of course a biggie is, if I take "keeping a man around" out of the equation, will my desires for women resurface? So, I think I need to find happiness on my own... for the sake of my happiness! (Welcome to the Department of Redundancy Department!) I like relationships plenty - otherwise I don't think I'd have had so many! But I sure don't want to engage in one out of fear of being alone. People have been making that observation about my life for a long time and I agree with them. I finally have a chance to NOT go out and pick up yet another new guy/gal, I finally have the opportunity to find out that this won't kill me.

What do I need in my life to feel fulfilled on my own? That's the kicker isn't it? Funny, after my interesting vacation with my wealthy friend, and all of the expertly prepared and very healthy meals created by his personal chef, I have gone out and bought some different food... lots of fresh fruit, leafy greens... I think I may have made a decision to go ahead and allocate more money to my food intake so I can be healthier. I already feel MUCH more energetic! I also want to be more active as far as getting things done around the house... but I am still pampering myself after a stinging breakup last April, and I'm giving myself a year to grieve that (and all the other) relationships, where I go easy on myself.

I think one day I'd like to get involved in some more social activities, something that matters to me perhaps, but I'm actually feeling good right now that I have taken the pressure off myself to be a social butterfly.

In a lot of ways I am already being that person I want, especially taking these trips I've gone on this year, behaving like a single woman just to try it on for size. Sometimes I wonder, if I were surrounded by a bunch of single people in their own houses, if that were the norm, would I feel more normal? And in my head I hear a resounding YES! So that tells me, maybe it's not that I want to live with someone, it is just that I want not to feel like such a weirdo. It seems like the "weirdo feelings" have dogged me my whole life. I want to either be rid of them or embrace them. If I'm to be a crazy old lady, I want to be a HAPPY crazy old lady! (!)

---------- Post added 31st Oct 2015 at 09:52 AM ----------

For some reason I do not like to talk about atheism on this site, whether because it feels off-topic, or because of a lifetime of fear of ridicule and shame (that started from my first real exposure to other children in Kindergarten!) But since you have "come out" on that subject I will say, my desire to be involved only with atheists has really affected my dating pool. It's not that I have not tried to date religious folk - I certainly have - but the end result always seems to be disaster. Do you find this is a factor for you? For me it's like the various circles of my personal Venn diagram intersect in such a tiny sliver that there is no one left! But what has changed over the years is my tolerance for things I know are going to drive me up the wall. I don't see a gain for me in having someone around whom I can't see eye to eye with, just for the sake of having companionship. Maybe it is true... "old and set in my ways" Sigh...