I keep reading responses to issues regarding questioning one's sexuality that say something along the lines of, "Why do you need a label?" While I like the idea of being content without a label, I also want to challenge it. For awhile I was so concerned with my apparent stress over labeling myself. Why DO I need a label? Why am I so anxious to give myself a label? Why can't I stop stressing over a label? Because labels don't really matter, right? But for a very long time, I could never LABEL my unhappiness. It was there, and it was deep, but I could never pin it. I was very convinced, by myself and those around me, that I was just an UNHAPPY person. That I would never be content. That unhappiness was deeply ingrained in me by genetics and upbringing and life circumstances. That there was no way around it. That it needed no label. That it was just there. And there was no reason. No name. Only until I gave myself the label "LESBIAN" did I begin to see that I belonged somewhere. That my unhappiness might have an end, because by giving myself a label, I have given my feelings a voice. Had I kept up my questioning, had I kept up pretending that I did not need to label myself, I would have been feeding the nameless unhappiness. Being able to say that I'm absolutely, apologetically GAY has been so freeing! And in moments of strength, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've been giving myself a lot of labels lately. And I am learning to wear them proudly. I'm wondering if anyone else feels the same?
While awkward for me in hindsight, here's the thread where I accepted the liberating label GAY. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/181163-married-guys-who-identify-gay.html Note: Apologies for the use of the term "same-sex attraction". I did not know the connotation and association of that term with reparative therapy.
I don't really have a strong opinion on the matter, but I think it's a bit strange that this community seems so anti label. It doesn't seem bad, as long as they're not derogatory, and there's certainly nothing wrong with wanting a label to describe yourself.
I like labels. They help me introspect and own my feelings and my sense of self. I find them an easy shorthand for conversation and a way to authentically talk about who I am openly with people in a concise way. Labels are powerful to me and give me a more clear lens through which to understand myself. I don't feel like a label defines me, it never conveys the nuances of me fully, but I don't think that's a big deal.
At a certain point, after one has had time to contemplate and consider and live and understand oneself, it makes sense to choose a label that fits. I think when you read threads here advocating avoiding labels, that's usually aimed at people who are either in their early-mid teens, or are just coming out. For those populations, it can take time to figure yourself out. So prematurely labeling yourself, particularly with a label that's restrictive and effectively either prevents or gives you an excuse to avoid exploring your sexuality (I'm speaking mostly of the unrecognized labels, or the not-widely-accepted definition of asexuality that is unfortunately the label du jour at the moment), is not helpful to that process. For someone like yourself, who has had time to do the self-exploration, look at different identities, and take the time (which can be years for some people) to really figure yourself out, I can totally understand how liberating it can be to finally stand up and say "THIS is who I am", and I don't think much of anyone in this community would discourage self-identification at that stage.
I actively like labels. For instance I am a bisexual, which is different from homosexual. And this thing I'm typing on is a computer, which is different from a ham sandwich. And I type with my fingers, which are different from my elbows. If humans didn't have labels, we could not possibly have all the wonderful things we currently have in life...we probably wouldn't even have ham sandwiches (we also wouldn't have many of the issues and difficulties, but let's just brush that under the rug for right now, shall we?). So I am not opposed to labels, even though I'm one of the ones who frequently councils "don't worry about your label". What I am opposed to is unnecessary angst. There are people who cannot rest until they know whether gay, bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, or homoromantic parasexual otherkin is the best descriptor for them. It seems to me that you're not going to just think your way through that if it isn't already glaringly apparent. Basically, my advice to them is to calm down, live their life, date people they're attracted to, try different sexual things that sound good with people they sound good with...and then after you've just been you for a while, look at who you've spent your time with, what you've enjoyed most, and the things you haven't done but still have strong cravings to do...and your label will probably jump out at you. Many/most of them seem grateful to hear this...like they'd never considered that they *don't* actually have to have the entire world figured out by the tender age of 15, 30, or 45. Alright, damn it...I'm going to make myself a ham sandwich.
I need labels too, because I feel like I can not move forward until I understand myself more, though my therapist sort of disagrees with me. She understands the need to be able to say "I think I like women more than men," or "I like men more than women," or "I like them equally," or some other variant. I have been in this questioning mode for 12 bloody years, but also, thinking only gets me so far. I haven't been able to delve too far into my sexuality in therapy yet (i started and spiraled down quickly after that), but something my therapist said really resonated with me. She said that the opposite of fear is faith. Faith in yourself that no matter what, it will be ok. Also, the opposite of depression is action. Which is extremely hard to do when you are depressed.
This is my first time posting on EC. Yeah I need a label. I'm a 23 year old male who has definitely been a sufferer of OCD/anxiety/mild depression all of my life, which I never sought help for. I too always just concluded it was just my own personality, and it would be what it was for the rest of my life. I frantically organized my surroundings and suffered from great shyness and social anxiety. Over time I've worked on my shyness/frantic organization and it has gotten much better, but that's what brings me here. About two years ago I began questioning my sexuality, thinking that since I had a couple of gay friends, not a lot of success with girls, and am sensitive, I must be hiding the fact that I'm gay from myself, and to be happy I need to "come out of my closet that I didn't even know existed" type thing. I heard and read about HOCD and understand it could potentially be the case with me, but I am an extremist and realist at heart, and would really like to know the truth about myself in order to salvage the health of my social life and relationships. I think to myself, "I've quit trying to organize my magazines and tupper-ware containers to death, now what?". This question is usually followed by my brain telling me that I should be sharing my life with someone else, due to social norms, and the fact that I've worked to bring myself to be a functioning and understanding member of society. The question is, should I be with a man or a woman? I don't want to hurt anyone or embarrass myself any later in life than I have to by turning around and seeing the open door on something that was obvious. I dread being embarrassed. I had a normal high school life, various groups of friends from different groups, sports lover and musician, overall well liked just very shy. My mother died not long after high school and the shock put me in auto pilot and only recently have I come out of the shock. I have paranoia that my friends/family/coworkers suspect that I'm gay and consistently try to give me chances to come out to them. I've gotten frustrated before and openly tried to accuse them of what they were doing and to stop because I didn't need help. But they said they had no idea what I was talking about. People tell me they would never think that I could be gay, but my paranoid brain tells me, "they're just saying that to ease your mind for now". I've never thought that I was gay. I've had sex with many women, never with another man. I fooled with a male best friend when I was very young (3-5 yrs old) who I still know to this day. Same goes for a girl best friend around the same age. I don't talk about the experiences to either of them, I have no idea if they even remember. I have had healthy sex lives with a couple girlfriends in my past. I really like sex with girls. I could go on and on. But basically, yes, as I try to beat my OCD "cold turkey", I have trouble letting things settle naturally in my brain, labelled or not. Anyone else think they have HOCD? Thanks for reading. All the best. C
the label does allow things to make sense. I like my label. I am a lesbian. I am still just getting used to wearing it!
Yes mellie I feel the same as u describe The freedom I am getting from 'I am a gay women is amazing - I feel So 'like me ' Avoiding the label I led a dishonest life for too long and made choices that I wasn't happen with Labels give us a framework to explore in and identify our inner world with as you say your feelings Fair play to anyone who doesn't want a label but for me I'm gonna buy the t shirt and flag ( although disappointed that the icons on this phone don't include the gay flag - Ummm
I suppose I could argue both sides of this argument... I have felt both pro-label and also anti-label at different points. Since you've covered pro-label, maybe I could offer some reasoning for anti-label people. I see it like this. Straight people don't label themselves, right? You don't need to label that you're human. Labeling is, in my opinion, a bit like declaring yourself as a part of a separate group or club. Sexuality isn't a club, it's just you. And, while it does help you to understand yourself better and find people like you, and can therefore be beneficial for those questioning... You're still you. Everyone's different. We could come up with 7.5 billion labels for all the people in the world. Or, we could look at the similarities that we have. We're all people. As people, we all carry thoughts, and most of us, emotions. We all have different needs, and we all go through difficulties at times. And as for who we like? We all like... Other people. (That is, I should hope we're not breeding with monkeys now! :O It's truly unfortunate that some people find the Qcommunity to be as strange as that. We're still human, though. We always will be, just the same as straight people.) So if you feel the need to label yourself as different, do that. But in the end, it's important to remember the similarities rather than the differences. That's the only way the world will come to peace, in my opinion. As said before, I stand by both sides of the argument. Labels do make us feel better. They make us feel like we belong somewhere, because others make us think that we don't. Concluding... In a perfect world, there would be no labels. But this world is flawed, and therefore, we find them necessary.
