I know a lot of people don't like labels, but I find this part of the process kind of important for me, to be able to articulate more precisely what my sexual orientation is. I posted earlier that I think of myself as a Kinsey 4.5 or ~80% gay. What are some terms that actually capture this? I'm not really feeling the label homoflexible. I don't like something about the word flexible because it feels more centered on activity, or level of willingness to engage in sex with each gender. For me I just want to describe how I feel and put actual sexual activity aside. The best I can come up with so far is Almost lesbian Mostly gay Gay-ish Queer If I could just find a list of terms I could pick one and say - that's me! But I don't see anyone talking about this.
I used to hate the word "queer" but now it's growing on me. And for your situation, it fits, but I'm not sure if you'd find it too general. What's the 20% straight about? Is it simply something you throw in there because you are committed to a man? Or are you truly emotionally connected to him and attracted to him? Would your label change if you were suddenly single? That's something to consider. If the former is true, then it's important to know that you can be gay and in a straight relationship. If the latter is true, you might consider that it could be possible to be attracted to a man of the same caliber.
Being a nerd, I'm looking at frequency of attraction. I think that number kind of matches the frequency with which I'm attracted to men compared to women. If I think about the times I've felt intense, chemical kind of attraction to men compared to women, that's the proportion that makes the most sense. For my identification I'm throwing out relationships, and just focusing on attraction, fantasies, crushes, flirtation and initial interest I have had in people. ---------- Post added 1st Nov 2015 at 04:17 AM ---------- I do find queer a little too general and want a better term to fit me. I'm not counting my relationship as evidence of my 20% straightness. I think if I'd been true to myself earlier in life the relationships I've had may have been very different, so I'm trying not to focus on that. If I'm being real, I don't feel like gay totally describes me. If I were to separate from my husband, I'd probably focus more on women because it's been missing in my life, but I really think it's possible to feel strongly for men in the future as well. I feel things are missing in my relationship but I dint think that's an orientation issue...I think it's a matter of different perspectives and relationship expectations. If I take my husband completely out of the equation I can say that in the past I have had at least 3 relationships with men that were intense, romantic, intimate, full of real chemistry and emotionsl connection. It's hard to say that's not a real, true part of my orientation. At this point at least it feels like the real deal. Maybe I'm blind, maybe I've never experienced the real thing. But I believe I have.
Kinsey 4.5 (while a synthetic orientation it does capture the 80/20) Bisexual favoring the gals (or some variant like that) Lesbian (Do you ever intend to have a straight relationship again?)
I like bi favouring the ladies or lesbian leaning maybe... I just feel like lesbian is a little disingenuous. You asked if I ever intend to have a straight relationship again. I feel like this is where the real problem is. If I could have some time where I date women for a little bit, I think I'd be able to answer that pretty clearly. Like nope, never. Or yes, maybe but it's unlikely. Or sure, either is just as likely. I guess that now, in this moment I can only guess based on how I feel my attractions lean. My guess is that I'd most likely nearly exclusively date women. But I don't even know what I'm going to decide about my marriage so this all so hypothetical. ---------- Post added 1st Nov 2015 at 05:03 AM ---------- You know, I just had an idea.... What if I tried on different terms for a while? I can start bold and go with gay/lesbian and just think about how it feels. But... I don't know how to do that. I don't typically just blurt out my sexual orientation on a regular basis. I'd love to find some excuse to do that so I could see how it feels. And I could compare it to using bisexual, and then go for the middle, mostly gay, etc. Anyway, it's an idea but I dont know how to do it...
Sometimes an iterative process is required to find the right label. It's difficult to pick an accurate label when you are missing data. Just pick something that feels comfortable and closest to the truth for now. Then you can refine the label as you start to date women, assuming that's the path you go down. In other words, don't fret too much over the label until you have complete data.
Maybe you're right. On some level I think I want to describe me now (which I guess I'd call mostly gay or almost lesbian), but I think part of this is impatience in wanting to go forward and explore this part of me. I wish I could be out there right now, trying out this path and exploring things.
Re: Queer? Almost lesbian? Gayish? Mostly gay?i It won't , what i mean is it's my way of being in touch with my orientation while I'm in limbo for god knows how long. But on second thought, I think the more certainty I feel about what my sexuality is, the more sense I might be able to make in making decisions about what I believe I should do. Because of the whole loop I'm stuck in - I feel like I have to come to terms with how much my marriage can or cannot fit into my sexuality. Perhaps in some way the label helps me to introspect, like if I'm so much more attracted to women, even if there's that part of me that is drawn to men, can my husband be enough? That helps me decide what I should do in terms of my marriage and how I will go about exploring based on thst decision. I feel like if it were my friend going through this I'd be wanting to tell her you need to separate. I wouldn't say that, I would just supprt whatever she decides but I'd think I'd want her to be happy and that she needs this for her. But it's just more complicated with a kid. That's just the main obstacle. I don't want to totally disrupt my daughter's life without knowing what would happen once I explore.
You have enough clarity about your sexuality with the short list of labels you are considering - mostly gay or almost lesbian or bisexual favoring the ladies. All of these labels suggest that you long to pursue relationships with women. I feel that you know what you want to do (the same advice you'd give your friend) but let the complications with your daughter stop you. Perhaps you want to think through what would happen if you separated. Where would you live? Where would your daughter live? Could you support yourself? Perhaps by answering these and related questions you can sketch out your next step in broad strokes in a way that makes it a little more certain and less scary. You are at the point in the journey that is difficult - figuring out what you want and then finding the courage and strength to make big changes in your life and forge your path forward. It won't always be fun or pleasant, but if you persevere you will create the life that you want. (&&&)
Re: Queer? Almost lesbian? Gayish? Mostly gay?i That makes a lot of sense. I didn't have any kids to consider when I left my marriage, so in some ways I feel like I had it easier. I can appreciate how much more complicated everything gets when there are children involved. I don't think you can ever truly know what would happen once you explore until you explore, so there's that...but I think you are going about things in a very thoughtful manner, and it is clear that your daughter is a main reason for that. Hugs! (*hug*)
This is really helpful advice. I think I'm going to sit down and map out everything about how things would work if we separate. Maybe doing some reading in how to make separation easier for kids would help me too. At least it will make my options more concrete. I feel like I can do this, I can be strong, I can take risks. I'm scared, but I think I can be brave. I just want to do it right and keep my daughter's best interests as a top priority. Thanks for all the encouragement and insight. It helps a lot (*hug*). ---------- Post added 1st Nov 2015 at 08:04 AM ---------- I'm sure it's never easy. I think if I didn't have my daughter's wellbeing on my mind, my decision might be clearer but I'm sure it would still be super scary and hard to make such big changes. Thanks for the hugs and the support . I'm really hoping I can do this all in the best way I can for my daughter.
