Desperation panic anger

I'm sorry everyone. This is an emotional post. Maybe too much to bear. Please stop reading if it is. I'm not expecting anyone to be able to read it. I just needed to write it.


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

I can't take it anymore!!

I spend 1-2 days a week at my ex-boyfriend's house. Not because I want to, but because he needs me. He has mood swings. Appears fine when we meet up, but then, close to bedtime, the horrors begin. We still sleep in the same bed - not because I want to, but because he needs me. Having physical contact of any sort with him is like stimulating his appetite (for sex). It's like I'm a drug and he needs his fix. Physical contact with me calms him. He needs a lot, and cuddling clearly calms him enough for a while. But pretty soon he'll want all the rest too, craving sex. He thinks he'll be fully satisfied if we can only have the kind of sex he envisions, the "right" sex, the "true" sex. This is a delusion. I cannot, and do not wish, to have any sex with him.

Depression, resentment and anxiety occurs quickly. He'll curl up in a ball and say: "I gave you my heart. You reached the deepest part of me and you wrecked it." "Do you know how much you've wounded me?" "You're so terrible."

We try to sleep separatedly but after an hour he sits up in bed clutching his forehead, having a terrible migraine possibly. So I have to go hold him, which leads to laying down, which leads to him pulling me close and nearly melting into me. Which leads to: "Can't we just make love? It's good, it's healing..." (NO!!!!) "I wish you would want me. Can't you just pretend. I need to know what that feels like..." (Ugh) He asks me why I can't be with him. He repeats the same thing I've heard a billion+ times: that to him, sex is closeness and understanding, soul-connecting and healing, and I want to MURDER HIM. Who cares about what you think for fhjt@%%+!??!'s sake! THIS IS A VIOLATION. LEAVE ME ALONE FOREVER

"Will you try? Will you pretend for me? Pretend I am someone you desire. Just once."
(No, that does not mean only once. We have done this "only once" before, several times. How convenient that you don't remember. For you, it didn't count. It never counts for you unless it's exactly what you want it to be. And I can't be what you want)

But I hear myself say: "Ok. I'll pretend."

I'm not feeling strong, so I give in, I surrender. I feel guilty that he's on the verge of self-harm. I can stand a little pain for his sake, can't I? Endure a bit of nausea, hold my feelings down.

I shut my mind down. I start to touch his lips with mine and place my hands on his upper body here and there. I dispassionately try to kiss him, keeping it as mechanical as possible, this is just a job, I want to keep it as cold as possible to avoid freaking out / having an anxiety attack / a fit of rage. We have our clothes on. But his lips linger on mine and he has some kind of sensual slimy longing in his entire body and IT DISGUSTS ME, IT DISGUSTS ME TO NO END. Please god make it stop. F***ING ***** GGF%+@&!??!!!! ****

This is so f***ing slimy disgusting and gross, my eyes are firmly closed so I can detach but the reality is HE'S STILL THERE, I try to leave my body, I'm grimacing so much when he gets close and tries to do some slow grind thing, I HATE IT SO MUCH IT'S SO DISGUSTING I CAN'T STAND IT, why does he have to be so slow?? It feels like a relative is beginning to rape me and telling me I have to like it, and I have to play along. It's not mechanical enough, I can't hold my feelings down much longer....! I feel like I'm going to throw up, literally nautious, I feel I'll start crying any second

!!!!!!

I think I want to murder him

(not really)

(but ... I do)

He'll say: "I think you are afraid of being bisexual." (F*** YOU) "Something's not right here. It doesn't feel right." "It's that therapist you went to. What did you two talk about?" "I think you're influenced by the media."

He'll try to put his hands between my legs and say: "Are you afraid that it will feel good?" NO I'M AFRAID I'LL PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT

This is true. Sure we can try kissing or whatever, but I know for a fact I'll be so repulsed I have to firmly reject him. It's hard to control myself not to do it. If I do control myself, he seems to draw the conclusion that I enjoy it, and then I have to quietly endure torture.

From his viewpoint, kissing and touching can't be repulsive. He loves it. He doesn't seem to realize what a violation feels like, how wrong it is. For both of us. If I'm repulsed, he decides it's because something is wrong with him as a person. That it has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Instead it proves that he is unloveable and horrible. That's his logic.

If I reject him, he starts talking about ending his life, has an anxiety attack, starts interrogating me, telling me that I'm like a robot and that sexuality just can't be that black and white, it shouldn't matter that he's a man and not a woman etc. The card he always plays in the end is, "I'm doing so bad, I'm doing so much worse than you, I'm sick and stressed out and helpless and alone, are you really so heartless that you can't show a little understanding."
He has several physical problems that seem mostly psychosomatic to me - like migraines, headaches, stomach and digestion problems, anxiety, back pain, joint pain etc.

This means I can't voice my feelings at all. I can't defend my right to have my body to myself. I can't get angry. I can't tell him how I honestly feel: being queer is not about sex or genitals. It's a full-body thing, it's about connection, what I feel for girls is just on a whole different planet compared to the "eh" and "[blank]" and "uggh" I feel for guys. It's nearly spiritual. Divine. Profound.

See, he doesn't know that I've been fighting repulsion for our entire relationship. That I've forced myself every time, having sex with him, for him. If I told him that, he''d be devastated.

He takes it personally. He tells me he resents himself, he feels unlovable and disgusting, he can't go on, he doesn't know how to go on living. He refuses to seek help, make changes, reach out to friends. All he wants is me back.

He was miserable when I first met him. Coming out to him and to myself as "likely gay" has opened a Pandora's box. It feels like he's back to where he was when he met me, but worse. As though he hasn't learned how to manage himself at all during the time we've been together. I was the filter that kept him mostly shielded from his own darkness. Now the filter's gone, and he is flailing. At the expense of my self-respect and my health, too.

I'm at my wit's end. I don't know what to do.

 

SnowshoeGeek, SiennaFire, Really, confused04, TeaTree, thank you so much for taking the time to read and to respond, it really means the world to me right now.

baristajedi, you are so right. Unconditional love and physical presence are 2 different things. Thank you.

yeehaw, thank you. This set something in motion for me because last summer, I did read up on narcissistic personality disorder, emotional abuse, etc since I had started to wonder about how he always confuses me... He doesn't seem to acknowledge my efforts, he doesn't like it if I talk about him with other people (as it supposedly "paints a bad and incorrect picture" of him), he doesn't seem to appreciate my perspective on things, and in serious conversation with him, for example discussing our relationship or our values in life, I often wonder what we're even talking about. I'll ask him to please be more concrete, but then he says I have to change my thinking and it's my fault if I don't understand. ...

Learning about manipulative behaviour, I suddenly saw him in a new light... I could see how strange he was acting around other people, suddenly I thought he was being rude... I watched the movie "Gaslight", to understand the term gaslighting and what it's like to question your own sanity because someone else is playing mind games...

I'm reading the book you recommended. I recognize a lot in it... I actually find it hard to take in. ...

Chip, yes... I think I need help... things need to change. I appreciate your advice a lot. Thanks for sharing your story. What you say makes sense... it is true that he doesn't seem to have boundaries... and he doesn't respect mine... codependency, yes, I was reading about that a year ago...

I've been exploring these thoughts before, that he might be abusive, but then I abandoned them because I thought I was exaggerating, he's not all bad, he's suffering too etc.

I'm a bit in shock right now... need to process this... will update with whatever news I have.

Thank you so much everyone, I so much appreciate it.

 

Everyone, thank you, the kindness and support you all are showing me means so much to me, I can't describe it. A heartfelt thank you! I'm overwhelmed (in the very best way), it gives me much needed strength. And all the hugs, I can really use them right now! Many hugs back (*hug*)(&&&)

Chip, I'm really taking your post to heart because from it I understand that this is serious. baristajedi, SiennaFire, Anthemic, Shadowsylke, CapColors, yeehaw, from your chiming in and agreeing I can see that it's not a matter of perspective, but this situation is actually toxic. (even if I it makes me feel a bit paranoid to type that... I don't want to make a mistake and be unfair or selfish)

driedroses, thanks. I had a feeling that the threats may be empty, because he says it a lot (althought acting very anxious). I've a history of depression as well, and have felt like I wanted my life to end, but never told anyone. Warning my ex that I may call the police or request a psychiatric hold is the right thing to do, I agree with you Chip.

Little things about him I always just sort of overlooked are coming to mind at the moment... Being physical with me whenever he feels like it... Criticizing me for being clumsy ("why are you so clumsy? Do you have an illness?")... Always giving a reason for everything he does, almost never saying "I don't know" or "I'm sorry"... When I stand up to him, he tells me to stop yelling, even if I'm not... Criticizing things that bring me joy (so I stopped sharing them with him... which has led to him saying that I'm too closed up / too private)... Denying things he's said or done... or just said that my perspective is wrong, I didn't perceive the situation or the way he expressed himself correctly... Almost never seeming happy for me when something goes well in my life... instead he might question my integrity, tells me I've "changed" and he doesn't like it...

He's said that his family will hate me if they find out I'm questioning my sexuality. Numerous times in the past, when considering breaking up, he's said the situation will be unfair to him: our mutual friends and family would then only get my side of the story, and it would show him in a bad light. This has led me to be very careful with what I say about him in front of others. I easily feel guilty when talking about him. I try to stay away from the subject, because I feel like I don't understand the reality. I feel like I'm the one not loving him enough, not doing enough for him, he's the one who knows how to love for real... He's so fragile and tender, I need take good care of him... and learn from him how to be a better person...

ugh.

Some practical questions are occurring to me.

If I break contact with him, he might tell others that I'm irrational and out to get him. I just... I can't say why but it seems probable. He's got two siblings. I'm not sure I should reach out to one of them and... let them know a little bit about their brother. Maybe that would be beneficial for the family. I feel like they should know, maybe. Or maybe I'd best stay away from the family altogether. For all I know, the sibling may be a manipulative person too. The sibling is a little bit similar to my ex. I don't know what's safe, what would be ethical really, I feel a bit paranoid. I wish I could to the right thing, do something constructive, for the good of everyone whose lives this may affect, if there is such a thing.

Hmm. And then there are our mutual friends / colleagues. My ex and I hang out and work with the same people. They love my ex. I'm quite sure they can't imagine him being a manipulative person. He's really two different people when he's out in public with me, and when he's at home with me. I have a colleague/friend who's been working with me and my ex for many years now, we've travelled a lot together. She's so sweet. She sees the good in everyone. My ex was telling a story and saying: "...so then I got really angry." and our friend said: "What? Angry? Does that EVER happen with you?"

He's had moments where he's seemingly lost control, throwing things or breaking things. Not many times though. In the last 6 months it's happened twice. It's one of the reasons I don't feel safe, but I've been thinking that it's just an irrational fear that I have.

If I do tell him that I'm breaking contact, it must happen over the phone. I don't want to be alone with him in his house for that. I can't say why, it just doesn't feel safe. I think he's likely to plead with me: how can I be so cold, am I not considering his feelings, am I going to throw away everything like it means nothing... he might attack me: I'm acting like someone else, who put these ideas in my head, I'm the worst person in the world with an enormous ego, so I'm a psychopath then... etc.

I'm not sure what he's capable of. He's told me stories about how angry he used to be as a kid. Two years ago, when my ex and I were still together, another man seduced me, and I gave in and made out with that man. (It started my process of questioning which gender I'm actually attracted to, what is my gender identity etc.) My ex has said he might have to feed this man burning coal. He also threatened to stalk him and murder him, that he "might have to do that". It disturbed me greatly but my ex said that I had to understand how defamatory the whole thing was to him.

Oh, this turned out long. Sorry! I guess my mind is trying to make sense of it all... wah, maybe I'm crazy...


My birthday is coming up and I'm seeing my parents this weekend. My ex is not coming. I don't know if I should reach out to them. They'll wonder why my ex isn't coming, they think we're still together. My family cares a lot for my ex, thinks the world of him. But I know they'll hear me if I tell them a little about the way he's acting toward me. I'm just not sure how much to reveal, if anything. I feel like I could use support, but I'm not sure where to turn, first.