It's been only a few short months since I began coming out. With my husband, I acknowledged to him that I was in fact not heterosexual but at the time I was still questioning how I felt. The more I questioned and practiced self inquiry, I came to realize that I am definitely only interested in women and that I would like to begin separating from my husband. I love him and care greatly for him and our three children. I have not yet had a conversation with him about me identifying as a lesbian. At first it was because I wanted to be certain of my feelings and now that I am, I have been delaying because of the upcoming holidays. We have family coming to stay with us for Thanksgiving and we are leaving the state to stay with family for Christmas. I know that once I do talk to him, that it is going to be a very hard transition for him, me and our children. Having my family here and then staying with his family at Christmas, would invite challenges that I'm not ready for, disrupt our plans with our children and stunt the time we need to digest all that is happening privately. Ok, I've accepted this and certain that this is what I want. However, it has been such a challenge to live with this and not tell him. Things are tense between us, but not in an angry or resentful way. I can feel his hope. every.single.day. And it seems deceitful to not be authentic with him. Without thinking while we were out trick or treating with our kids, I said, "oh that is the house with 4 bedrooms" and he responded "let's do it." I felt so guilty and sick to my stomach that I just gave him hope just then with a mindless statement. As the holidays approach I feel overwhelmed to be in the closet still to most people in our families. I am out to my close girlfriends and to my brother, SIL, one cousin and dad, but I will be interacting with a lot of family and that is gut wrenching to have all this on the tip of my tongue. I owe it to my husband to talk to him next about my feelings and plans before extended family enter the equation. I just needed to get this off my chest as there is little day to day support here in the south and ALL of my family and the majority of my close friends more than 650 miles away.
I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry for what's happening for you and although I don't know what you're going through I know how it feels to be closeted and not show people who you truly are. Unlike me, you know who you are but it is going to be a big change for you and your family but I think you have to be honest and true to yourself no matter what. I know this wasn't any help to you but I just hope everything works out in the end because it completely depresses me to see others and be someone who has to lie about who they are just so they don't cause problems.
I am sorry and I sympathize. Even though I am not gay but bi, I too will be in the closet this holiday season. Not being able to tell my mom what's going on with me is going to be really hard. But she can NOT keep a secret, and I don't want my husband's family to know. Anyway, your situation is much more profound but I wanted to let you know that I feel for you. And for your dear husband and kids. It's rough indeed.
I think it's really selfless and brave of you to wait until after the holidays. Just remember that even though you may feel like you're being deceitful, you're waiting because it's what's best for your family.
It is always helpful to be reminded of being authentic and following your truth. Thank you. Part of me says F thee holiday plans, I have to say something! It's very awkward around here. I'm hoping company will distract me a bit. You're talking about my mother too with the not being able to keep a secrets. and her husband is a bigot so it adds a special twist
