Hey everyone, So, it's been a couple months now since the rainbow lightbulb went on in my head, and I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that I'm gay. I've told a couple of friends, and I'm suspect the worst of the internal identity crisis is over. I'm not sure I've got my order or operations right, but the next idea that is circulating in my brain is telling my family that I'm gay. I feel like I should, even though I've never had any gay experiences. My attractions are just so much clearer now, and I think I would feel better about exploring relationships if I didn't feel I needed to sneak around and keep a secret. So last week, I started on a coming out letter addressed to my parents. I had to stop after just one paragraph, though, because I was not just emotional, but ANGRY. I was surprised at how much anger started bubbling up inside me, directed towards my mom and dad. They're not religious or homophobic people, but I feel angry that they weren't MORE homo...friendly (if that's a word!). I can see so much of the emotional pain I've felt over the past couple months as I grappled with my sexual orientation comes from internalized feelings of failure and shame at being gay. I feel anger towards my parents for somehow raising me to harbour these feelings of self-reproach. I'm angry at them for letting me be confused and lonely for so long, even though I'm not sure what I would have wanted them to do about it. All this anger surprised me, and essentially made it impossible to continue writing if I didn't want to spill out pages and pages of venom. I set the letter aside for a couple days, then picked it up again yesterday. I spend almost the entire day writing and crying, crying and writing, until I had 7 pages describing my journey over the past couple months and explaining what I want for the future. As I read it over again and again, I cried and sobbed each time I got to the most emotional parts. I visited a friend last night and shared the letter with her, and we had another good cry, talk, and hugged it out. So after feeling incredibly angry earlier this week, then spending most of yesterday crying, I was again shocked today to read my letter and feel NOTHING. It's like I used up all my emotion yesterday, and I'm just a robot reading words now. It feels very strange, but perhaps its normal. I suppose I'm sharing this experience to see if anyone else found their emotional lability vary hugely from day to day when writing a coming out letter.
I think you are perhaps grieving for the person you were, who is, for all intents and purposes, dying. A new you is being born. But in the process, you find yourself going through the five stages of grief (sounds like you've already been through most of them). If I were you, I think I would put my 7-page letter aside and write a new one, no more than 2 pages, to give to your parents. Good luck.
Wow, I'm amazed at how much insight you packed into just 4 lines, Weston. I Googled and reminded myself of the stages of grief, and it gave me a lot to think about. I thought about the 'straight guy' identity that I've been afraid to let go of, and it's interesting how my thoughts on him have change. He used to represent success in a traditional way -- wife, kids, making parents proud, etc. But I appreciate more and more that achieving 'success' as a straight guy would be a devastating personal failure in almost every way -- truly pyrrhic victory. The more I've come to realize this, the more hollow a straight identity becomes, and the easier it has been to imagine the death of 'straight me'. Thanks for your insight and advice. I will see what I can do to re-work the letter...maybe I'll give it a couple more days.
Weston is 100% spot on in my opinion. I was going to say the same thing. Honestly I wouldn't try and rework the letter. I'd start fresh. Hugs to you.
I can relate to the many emotions that come out when you write your feelings on paper. I also agree with the advice to start fresh and slim it down to the essentials. The letter will be more streamlined when you rewrite it.
At this point, a short yet powerful thread. I understand your feelings Antinous, particularly the part that reads "They're not religious or homophobic people, but I feel angry that they weren't MORE homo...friendly (if that's a word!)" Although parents are a very big one, there are other factors that contribute to coming out and the timing of accepting/acknowledging a certain part of ourselves, but I completely get where you are coming from. There is the community we grew up in, friends, social aspects and the simple truth that sexuality can be fluid and people don't understand that and even fear that. I debating when/how I will tell my parents. In person or in a letter? I have two ideas of how they will react. One is a more positive, and I trust/hope more likely scenario, but the fact that I couldn't understand and acknowledge my sexuality before now does make me blame them to some degree. It is good you're going through these things and writing things down. I like Weston's advice. Best of luck, I believe it work out for you and that peace and acceptance will follow.
