Hi, still coming to terms with my sexuality which has become slightly easier recently. I had this feeling every time when I thought I might be gay or thought gay thoughts. And I carried this around everywhere and I, in my opinion have basically done nothing and achieved very little and just really kind of hated being alive for as long as I can remember. So, and this is LGBT 101, this feeling is shame. And now that I can put a name on it myself at least when I start feeling it, I can go "ah so your shame, its not me that's inherently wrong, it's shame". So that's good. If I come out, and I'm sure some sort of that process will happen, how did other people here deal with the fact that, great I want acceptance from the people in my life and to feel love and all that while at the same point understanding that most of these people and their apathy or ignorance are why these feeling of shame that have made my life a misery existed in the first place. Maybe a bit strong. Maybe not. Any ideas?
Shame is really, really common among closeted LGBT people. Shame is the deeply held belief that we aren't worthy of love and belonging. So being gay, of course the fear is that if people knew who we truly were, no one would love us. Once you come out, and you discover that most, probably all, of the people you know won't care one whit about you being gay... a lot of the shame dissipates, because you realize that you *are* worthy of love and belonging. But that takes time. If you aren't already familiar with it, I strongly recommend looking at Brené Brown's three TED talks: The Power of Vulnerability, The Price of Invulnerability and Listening to Shame. I think you'll connect pretty deeply to what she has to say about shame.
I don't think it is too strong. Cultural norms and heterosexually is engrained in all of us. There is a shaming and I can feel it too. It could be considered ignorance and/or apathy when you are in the majority and you can't see how you privilege from a social inequality. I have fears in abundance as this is all unfolding. Still coming out to myself everyday it seems
Yes, shame is a very common thing among lgbt people...especially those closeted or first coming out. That feeling that you don't fit into the prescribed "normal" roles in society, and therefore there must be something wrong with you...it's all nonsense of course, but it is so ingrained in us, as myloveralice says. I felt like I had to de-program myself from all of my upbringing before I could really accept myself.
Hugs to you. I think we worry a LOT more about others in this regard than they do about us. Meaning most people won't care a lot what we are going through. and that can be hard to accept because the experience for us is so profound. But in the end it's better to be slightly ignored than persecuted, and by coming out you'll open yourself up to the possibility of finding new relationships where people can understand you even better.
I've been out for about a year and this is the truest thing I've read. The shame melts away as you come out to others and realize the world keeps spinning and most people really don't care.
I laughed a bit at the title. I don't know if it was meant to be funny but it was so darkly descriptive of the feeling of having an endless source of shame inside that keeps regenerating... I realize, 3 years and 2 gay relationships later, that I was bracing myself for an impact that would never come. I thought I was being rejected from without, when really I was pushing people away for fear of their negative or even puzzled responses. I was afraid that their reactions would echo what I felt inside: that I was broken. I couldn't look people in the eye, I stopped reaching out to friends, I let connections languish because I felt like they couldn't accept me, and as a result behaved very selfishly. I didn't recognize that it was shame; I only knew that something was wrong and I assumed it to be me. You are spot on though: a huge step in the healing process is recognizing what shame is, and that you feel it. Recognizing the nature of the beast makes everything a lot better. Keep working at it; shame learned over decades doesn't go away overnight. But now that you know you're not broken you might find yourself start opening yourself up a little bit, and by continuing to open up you'll eventually ease yourself out of your shame cocoon.
