I'm not sure if this post will be of any interest to anyone, but I felt like just sort of sharing some of the things I'm feeling and thinking about lately. Maybe it will resonate with some of you, maybe it will just be a good vehicle for me to get some feelings out. It's not necessarily in any sensible order. I'm not asking questions, but always happy to hear anyone's thoughts if anyone is interested enough to read. You guys are my people , you always have good insight. Commence rambling: ------ I'm predominantly gay. I'm married to a man. I've never had any experience with a woman. I might die inside if I don't have experience with a woman before the end of my life. I love being queer. I love being me. I'm proud of me. Coming out was joyful. My family and best friends love me no matter what. My brother is still my champion/confidante/protector. I'm a mom. That leads to a dual sense of responsibility, being out and comfortable and confident in who I am as a model for my daughter; keeping her family unit together if possible and sense of security in place. I don't think I've ever accepted that I'm a sexual being. Being sexually abused as a child still impacts my mental health. I don't know what I want from my life in terms of being a semi-lesbian. Do I want to stay with my husband but still have experiences with women? Do I want to leave my husband and meet a woman to have as a partner? Do I simply want to be on my own and just date women? What do I need to feel fulfilled? Can I be alone? A single mom? Can I open up my heart to someone new? Do I have it in me? My husband's a good man, wonderful human being, and we have the potential for a stellar relationship. But is that enough for me now that I recognise my sexuality better? I feel empty a lot lately. But sometimes I feel warm when my husband does wonderful things and tries to make me happy. I think, how can I walk away from that? If I can't work through this and find peace in being married, I won't be giving my husband what he deserves (nor myself). My life right now is not healthy. I wish I had more time for me, for my personal growth, introspection, community building, generally just to grow.
But you do have time,,, take all the time you to take all this in and open your heart to possibilities It's a lot to take in and it would be torture to set limits and deadlines to what should be done, let it be and focus on yourself The right decisions will come up in the right time
I think I shall reply with my own rambling thoughts! I just got back from my fourth trip in the last six months. One work trip and three social visits with people I haven't seen in a long time. In the last two cases I was around many people the entire time. If I hadn't had my early morning solitude I'd have gone nuts. I do not like to have people around that much. I live alone and three of five days a week I work from home. I LOVE it. I have my little dog of course, and I think he makes it much easier. I have always wanted to be by myself but there was a very long time where I felt uncomfortable about it. Probably my mother's influence, have to be sociable, have to have friends, blah blah. She is coming for her winter visit in just a couple of weeks. She loves the snow and she drives across the country to stay with me a few months every year. I do love her for that, bless her heart, she's 73! But at the same time, she is a TV watcher and she loves to talk. It will be a noisy time and I need to find a way to let her know that I am a quiet person and that I'm ok with how I am living. I took a wonderful vacation a few years ago to a remote place on Lake Michigan with light surf just outside the door and no town for 7 miles. It was a priceless experience and it let me know that I could enrich my life on my own without relying on someone else to create my experiences. I know that not everyone wishes to spend time alone and I respect that. It's become important for me to be able to do what makes me comfortable and it's taken such a terribly long time to be able to identify what that is. I guess your comment about introspection really got me. It's not just being alone to figure things out... it's also being alone to realize it's ok to be alone. I am not in any way pessimistic when I say this, but I think it is best when leaving a relationship to do it because it would feel better to have no relationship than to have that relationship. However this is the first time I have ever actually done it that way, chosen to be alone vs. have someone I consider a partner. I have different reasons for it, not just, might I want a woman? But also, being tired of the part-time types of relationships that the men interested in me want. Of course I just said that I like to be alone! But living with someone who also likes to be alone can be very healing when both are doing their own things. I've had that before. I think I could do that again. But I'm not doing anything like that again soon. I don't know who is going to come out of the other side of this tunnel where I trudge ahead with blinders on to remain oblivious to any hint of romance from any gender. A lot of times it feels like it's going to be oblivion forever. I do not look for a movie-happy-ending here, do not believe that another human being can "save" me anymore. It's not cynicism... it's seeing what I am inside myself, how my own thoughts control my life, how my own actions color my experiences. I am as much a person as all of the others out there, I have as much substance, I have as many ideas, I am capable of the same decisions. Why has it taken me so long to see this? Will you be able to find any way to have time to yourself? Can you even find a little, is there a spot you can visit, or an hour of quiet in the night or in the morning? A special room, a place in the yard? Or a private journal you can keep as a place to only talk with yourself?
I like your perspective, it's comforting actually. I was thinking of time as in, on a daily or weekly basis I feel like I am going through the motions of being a mom, working, being a wife, and it leaves very little space for me. But you're right, there's no rush here. Maybe I can't have all the me time I want in the doses I want but I can still have my time to go through the journey/process I am going through, maybe just in a protracted form. ---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2015 at 02:22 AM ---------- Snowshoe, as always, I love to read your responses . I love to hear your reflections on accepting you and your need for solitude and freedom and just being you. I can relate to that a lot. It sounds like you are gradually getting there, to a peaceful place in that regard. You said "Why has it taken me do long to see this?" I think for many of us it can take a lifetime to really learn who we are, what we need, and to value those things and embrace them. As far as finding time for myself...I crave it more than ever now. If I could just hide away for like a month, aside from horribly missing my daughter, I'd be so happy to just have time where no one was bothering me unless I was seeking company, and I could just think about my needs. That's unrealistic of course. My me time tends to be in the morning getting ready for work (I'm up at 5, I have a weird schedule) and I use my walk to work to listen to music or podcasts, and often that helps to give me a little escape and sometimes to pull emotions to the surface that I need to deal with. The evenings, if I ignore my husband and sacrifice sleep (both of which i often do, and feel terrible for doing) then I have some thinking time. Friday mornings I have a late start to work, and that's my real peaceful me time. That may become my therapy time though, but that's still me time. Weekends, if my husband's not working, he will take Over for an hour or 2 or 3, and I get a little time at a cafe to just think and decompress. I guess all in all that's not bad. But I never feel like it's enough.
What a fantastic way to organize your thoughts Baristajedi! Keep that a running list, update it as you need to. See which ones you solve and which ones you remain focused on. What a great way to guide yourself on your journey.
Thanks I actually feel like EC is a bit like a running journal for me. Not that long ago I looked back at a bunch of my posts, and I realised ive been making a lot of progress in a lot of ways. I was so lost when I first started writing here. This is such a great community. It's really helped me along my journey in so many ways (the support and encouragememt and insight from all of you guys, as well as the chance to look back and see where I've come from and where I've gone).
