I keep trying to picture all of these different scenarios in my head about what my life would look like if I changed things so I could be more true to my sexuality. (Separate from/divorce my husband, or other possibilities) When I picture my life, coming home to a woman, after a long day at work, going through the daily motions with a partner I feel more connected to, emotionally and physically, I like how it feels in my head. But all the emotional baggage of changing everything about my daughter's life, not having her Dad to come home to at the end of the day. It falls flat. And of course, the reality is who knows if I'd even have that life with a woman, maybe I'd end up alone, which is ok, or I'd just date women a while and still end up with another man, who knows. And then what was all of this angst for? And dating women while I have a husband just feels off in my head. (This is in the case of what if we opened our marriage) I can almost see a happy marriage playing out for me and my husband, if we kept going the way we are, but I keep coming back to the feeling where I can't really enjoy his presence and my mind is wandering to the other life I want to lead. I know it's aimless to spend so much time wishing I'd figured this all out before bringing my daughter into this mess, and obviously I don't want a life that wouldn't have resulted in my daughter, but.... I just can't seem to imagine a happy, content outcome. I just feel so empty inside.
Yes, you CAN be happy! But you will not be happy with each and every decisions you need to make on your way to finding happiness! Sometimes, to reach a goal, sacrifices and risk are required. Its a bit of give and take. You have a lot to consider and contemplate and a lot to decide upon. Of everything going through your head, the one decision you should not make is to stand still! But with sacrifices and pain, there are also good to come out of it; and I truly believe you can find happiness if your up for it.
Just starting this journey myself, so I don't have much to add, but wanted to say you have such an amazing way of putting your thoughts into words! I feel so very much of the same thing you are going through and totally get the over analyzing every scenario. I, too, dwell too much on the "why didn't I figure this out before...?" question. Thank you for putting words to so many of my jumbled thoughts and helping me know I am not alone!
Give yourself a deadline? Like make a project plan. That's what I did when I was at wits end. Nov-Dec: check out your local gay scene, write erotica, work on gay side of you. Jan-March: work on relationship with husband, don't work on gay side of you. March-April: Join LGBT society/support groups. See if that's enough for you. May: Decision month. Separate, cheat, or abandon f/f relationship contemplation for next __ years.
I suppose that's fair, you can't expect happiness without takings risks and making hard changes. I am having trouble really understanding whether it would be a mistake to let go of my husband. I know that something has to change. My instincts tell me that what I need is to try and explore relationships with women. But there's so much uncertainty involved. If I could be sure that the first decision, walking away from my husband is the right decision, then I could feel more at peace with the challenges and uncertainties of being single and taking my chances with my new life. But I'm so afraid that in exploring my new life, I'll find that staying with my husband would have been the right choice. And then I've changed everything for nothing. I just don't know how to feel more certain about what's right. ---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2015 at 12:26 PM ---------- Thank you (*hug*) and hugs to you. It helps to hear from someone that can relate. I hope you find your way through all of this. It's a hard process. ---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2015 at 12:31 PM ---------- That's a really good idea. I like that, and it will make me feel more active, like I'm actually doing something instead of sitting still. ---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2015 at 12:36 PM ---------- Thanks for the hugs
One of the things that I had to think through was really looking at a rational and not idealized situation if I left. It's easy to see the grass as greener. Once I did that, I realized that for me, the best thing to do was to stay and try to work within my marriage for more fulfillment. That might not work for you though. (*hug*)
I'd be really interested in your thought process - I'm trying to do the same thing, come up with all the various scenarios so I csn try to what are some of the non-ideal scenarios you imagined?
For me, it was thinking about women I might imagine being with as real (rather than idealized) people. So they don't help around the house more than my husband (he's fairly helpful) or they don't want sex as often as I do or they don't like to vacation the way I do... things like that. I think when we imagine the future, we tend to imagine everything going the way we want it to, but that isn't really realistic to what a different relationship might look like.
Bjedi: This is why I mentioned checking out actual alternatives (on average, I'm not advocating cheating) to your husband in the location of your choice. If you find he favorably compares to the available women, etc.
Reading that last paragraph about how you don't want to waste time wishing you figured this out before bringing your daughter into the world, that really hits home. That's where I think a lot of you guys come from when you're looking at my story. I'm at that place where I'm about to (in theory) take that first step towards being in a position where divorce, kid issues, all of it become a part of everything. I definitely get it. And I wish that made it easier to figure out. But I relate so much to the second guessing. The fear of letting go of this relationship and realizing it may be a mistake. Ending up with another woman in the end just because. Or staying here and possibly robbing myself of a really satisfying life. Onthehighway is right when he says it takes sacrifice and risk. But man, it's really hard to make the decision to blow up your entire life for a chance at something else. It's scary, plain and simple. When my ex-girlfriend dumped me, I changed my entire life around. But, I had literally no choice. She was gone. My 7 year relationship was over. And it wasn't coming back. I had to put myself out there and make changes to myself and my life. And it did work out pretty well for awhile. But I was literally forced against a wall and had no choice but to act. And I think the truth is, sometimes, I wish that would happen now. I wish my fiancee would call things off, and leave me with no choice but to pick up the pieces. To try and figure life out. Because making the choice to jump on my own just isn't something I'm ready for. Stay strong! We'll all get through this. (*hug*)
I've been separated for going on 5 months now. So far I have yet to regret it coming to an end. Yeah things are not ideal and there are issues with the kids that I wish could be much simpler, but in the end I think you really have to decide if the relationship is still worth saving. For me, there were (and still are) enough problems between her and I that I wouldn't want to work things out. I still have the times of doubt tho too, moments where I wonder if there isn't anything better out there, that nothing will fulfill me in the way I'm hoping for. I've never done anything with a guy since experimenting as a kid, and when i fell for straight male friend at 16 (to no avail). The idea of dating or even being hit on or trying to flirt with a guy is scary as hell and I worry that my nerves will freeze me in place should an opportunity even arise. Right now I'm just feeling like life is spinning by so fast and yet I am forced into a holding pattern. I work 7 days a week, 70 hours a week now as single paremt, and I feel with the way I work there is no way I can have time to even meet anyone. Also as I have browsed apps before, I think maybe I'm just too picky cuz I rarely see anyone that really catches my eye. Right now I feel as tho while I am free now to identify as gay, I also feel as tho that isn't really genuine either because I haven't the slightest "proof" it seems. Scared to death that if I started seeing a guy, can they handle any baggage I have and am I prepared for someone else's shit. It seems easy to want to believe that by coming out, we will somehow find this "magic love" that will suddenly make the world make sense, and it sucks because we end up having to be reminded that gay or straight, everyone has shit they're dealing with and nothing is ever ideal.
You appear to be stuck because you don't have enough certainty about your sexuality to take the leap of faith and break with your husband. If you cannot take that leap of faith, then it would seem like you are stuck until you increase the certainty by having a relationship with a woman or just decide to take the leap. Unfortunately you have a small number of options for the former, and it's entirely up to you which one you choose. The alternative is to stay with your husband and make the best of it until something happens to tip the scales (wait and see attitude).
I am going through a similar situation. I may not have some advice, but sharing my thoughts may help, or not. I do not see myself separating from my husband, there is so much that has changed for the better since I have become content with my sexuality. Keeping the communication line is key for my relationship. Although I have kept the part where I am no longer satisfied intimately. It may feel like I am stuck sometimes, but considering the past couple of years, there has been much transformation in our relationship. The hope that one day I will be able to hold someone I am connected to physically and emotionally has kept me content with my situation. It may change over time, but for the time being I am willing to sacrifice myself daily to make sure my children are my first priority.
