How do you know when you're ready to start dating? I've been out to myself since March, and I came out to the first other (non-therapist) person about a month or so later. I've come out to a few other people in total so far, and I kind of want to dabble with a relationship. I want a friend, companion, lover, someone to go do things with, stay at home with, do nice things for, that kind of thing. What's driving this is that there's this coworker of mine who I kind of like. He's about my age, smart, very intuitive (which I'm not), has great eyes, great ambition, etc. In short, I'm attracted to him and have been for a while now. The most interesting part about him is that he's about my age, which is past what most people here would describe as prime marrying age, and he's not only single, but seems to have been single for a good long time now. The women he's spoken about seem to be in other cities, women who no one else could ever seem to have met. It just seems like he could be secretly gay. But even if he is gay, is someone who's only been out for a few months ready for dating, let alone a relationship? Or should I just give this more time to develop?
I like to think of it in this way: Are you trying to find someone to supplement your life, or are you trying to find someone to complete your life? If you're dating because you feel like you need someone to complete you, then you're not ready. You need to be OK with being by yourself, and you must love yourself enough. I find that a lot of my friends who go on dates, they want someone to love them because they are unable to love themselves, and the relationships ALWAYS end bad. So love yourself first before you start loving other people. As for that individual, I'm not sure. I would be careful because you don't want to scare him off. If he is gay, he sounds like he's been repressing that side of him for a very long time. There might be a chance he'll be hostile if you confront him about it. Make subtle hints and let him come to you. Best way would be to mention that you're gay in some way, and see what his reaction is like. If he likes you, he'll make efforts to get to know you. Good luck!
I think the advice about supplement and complete is really great. (above poster) I'd personally stay away from a closeted person at work because it's complicated. BUT, if you can _casually_ figure out if he's gay and he is OK with admitting that he is, the calculus may change: it may be worth the awkward-ex-is-my-colleague risk.
You are ready to date after you stop bouncing from the coming out highs and lows and things settle down. Processing your feelings about being gay is no longer front and center in your attention. I'm assuming that you are in a healthy place psychologically (e.g., the supplement versus complete perspective stevefs raises). I agree that trying to date a closeted coworker is a very risky proposition. Do you have more conventional ways to meet gay men in your geographic area?
It's possible to meet decent guys on CL, although it does take a well-crafted ad and a willingness to deal with the occasional misrepresentation that happens. What about dating sites and LGBT meetups? I have no experience in the dark art of divining gay guys from straight guys, so I cannot offer useful advice on how to approach your coworker PS - Why doe EC obfuscate a popular dating site starting with an "m" but not Craigslist?
No meetups anywhere near here either, unfortunately. Also no gay bars. I haven't tried any dating sites yet. I think I'll wait on that until I'm out more generally. But it is a thought... The question remains, though, as to whether I'm mentally/emotionally ready to go out and date. Whoever I'd be dating would be stuck with, well, me. Someone who's not completely out of the closet, and that seems a little unfair to them. I also don't know if I'd be emotionally dependent on that person, which also seems unfair to them, and I think would lead to a failed relationship. Regardless, I think I'm further along today than I was six months ago in this whole preparing-to-date thing.
You'll know when you are ready for dating, you won't have to ask others. You may want to ask yourself if you'd want to date yourself based on what you wrote and then make any necessary changes. If you are still on the roller coaster, you're probably better off waiting. If this is your first time dating guys, you should be aware that you may act like a teenager at some point. Since you live in an area with few opportunities to meet LGBT folk, perhaps you can see if your crush could be a gay friend as a first step and once verified he's gay then ask him how he meets guys. Maybe just maybe something will click in the process.
In the old days we used to be able to make friends with other single guys around normal activities. Does anyone still suggest that a "buddy from work" go out to watch a ballgame at a bar or [better] at your place. Order pizza, have a beer. Get comfortable with hanging out.
