For those of you following, and sit down for this, my wedding is tomorrow. Yes, we've agreed not to be legally married yet. I decided to take off from therapy this week. It might not sound like the greatest idea, but I thought it made sense to maybe not focus on my questions and everything else in the days leading up to the wedding. I love therapy, but I definitely leave sessions a lot of times feeling bad/sad/mad and questioning a lot of things, not just my sexuality. So, in a way, I buried my head in the sand one last time for this week. There's moments where I feel like things can work. When my fiancee and I are practicing our first dance, it feels nice. When I was writing my vows (which admittedly quoted NSYNC a bunch...hmmm...signs I'm gay? LOL) it felt very positive. Perhaps at times I do focus too much on the negatives and don't let myself focus on the positives and the happiness. I don't doubt for a second that I really did fall in love with this woman. I doubt that I should have, but I don't doubt that it happened and that we were happy and could be happy still. We have avoided fighting this week, which has been very nice. We've come close, but I've stopped us before it got into an actual argument. My anxiety is still pretty high. Talking about the wedding and the marriage gets me feeling pretty shaky, and gives me headaches, and other such physical symptoms that are clearly stress-related. This has not been fun and honestly kind of worries me, but I suspect they might dissipate following the wedding. I'm more worried right now about having a full blown panic attack tomorrow at the actual wedding. There might not be any coming back from that. I still feel like the thing that most confuses me is how I have easily fallen in love with two women in my life and been with them, enjoyed sex with them, etc. I don't look at men as just for sex anymore like I used to, but it's still head-scratching that for most of my life I only saw men in a sexual and not romantic life. Part of me is still very afraid that since I've only fallen for two men in my life, there's a chance that it could have just been those two particular guys. But then again, you can say the same for women, and yet I have little doubt that if I wanted to find another woman to be with, I could. I should probably have the same doubt about finding a man, if it came to that. Still though, if I am capable of having romantic feelings for both, even if I am way more sexually attracted to men than women, then shouldn't I consider that my relationship with my fiancee could actually work in the end? Or is that just some sort of denial? Lately, I've been having what I am going to describe as a weird experience. When I see same sex couples together, I feel really touched. Like, it makes me so happy to the point of almost wanting to cry. Case in point, my fiancee and I went to see a movie the other day and two young women sat in the row in front of us. It was very obvious they were on a date, and I loved it. And not in the way I think a lot of straight guys would love it. Like, I wasn't drooling over them making out. I was just so happy to see them together. I don't even know them! I also sort of feel like I've been seeing way more same sex couples around lately, haha. Universe trying to tell me something? My friend from the gym seems to think I'm gay, it's simple. He's sweet, he clearly cares, and heck he's even basically offered to be my friend to help me navigate the gay dating world when I enter it. And yes, I get it, on paper, I sound gay. It doesn't even bother me to say I'm gay! He was asking me yesterday when I came out to myself, thinking it must be recent. I told him honestly, I've known I was attracted to men since I was 11. This isn't news. And that's why sometimes it doesn't even feel like denial. Maybe it's more just coming to terms with things? And I'm kind of frustrated with my family on every level. I know it isn't their fault, but I still think they should have taken me more seriously when I went to them in August and said I felt like I was making a mistake. Instead, they did everything they could to convince me to stick with it and even started planning the wedding themselves. I also spoke to my openly gay brother yesterday, hoping he might be an understanding ear. Instead, he responded mostly saying "well, you have to stick to what you promised now" and so on. Ugh. Thanks. Plus I found out from him that our dad called him about a year ago and had a conversation with him. I'm not even sure how to feel about that. I want to know a blow by blow of the conversation, honestly. But I haven't gotten a response from him yet. Anyway, that's all I've got. Thanks guys.
At the end of the day, you are solely responsible for your life. Not your soon to be (if you make it that far) wife, not your family. You are having these anxieties because deep down you know your most likely making a mistake. The train has not left the station, you can still make the right decisions. Don't let the momentum of the "event" get in the way of doing what you know is right. Even if its not "legal", it further sets the expectations and puts you under more pressure to make it legal. Its your life, how are you going to live it?
Can I ask what exactly you have done to make the wedding "not legal"? Did you obtain a license any time in the last 60 days? Who is performing the ceremony? I would hate to think that you had made some sort of decision as to the legality of the ceremony which could be misconstrued. Frankly from what you describe, even if there were no question of sexuality whatsoever, I have to say I think this sounds like a terrible idea.
Have you considered postponing the wedding until you are more sure about what you want? Rather than calling it off, it's often helpful to just look at things incrementally. Look at the smaller decisions you can make. If you're not sure, maybe decide simply to hold off on the decision. And see where your heart leads you from there. I wish you the best in whatever you do. I'm pulling for your happiness.
We have not obtained a marriage license at all. We have a family member performing the ceremony, and he has not official power vested in him to actually pronounce anybody as married. There's literally nothing about the ceremony that is legal. ---------- Post added 5th Nov 2015 at 10:56 AM ---------- I feel as though deciding not to make it legal is the "postponement" so to speak. There was nothing we could do about the actual event without cancelling it and losing a lot of money and having to tell friends and family, etc. But deciding to hold off on the legal aspect is meant to give us both time to figure out if this is right. I know it might not seem ideal, but it was the best that we could come up with without fully blowing up our lives (because frankly, if we did call the wedding off, that would have been it for us as a couple in all likelihood). ---------- Post added 5th Nov 2015 at 10:59 AM ---------- I understand what you're saying for sure, but at this point I do feel like the train has left the station. We're here. I feel as though once we get past the event, we can go back to focusing on figuring out what is right for us and for both of us to be happy. I do wish these issues and questions hadn't come up when we were already deeply into our engagement, but not much I can do about the timing. And I get that the timing may never be right from here, but there's that part of me that just feels like after this is said and done, we get to move on to the next phase. To me, that phase includes figuring out what I want and need, and making changes towards it. I haven't kept these plans from my fiancee, so she understands where I am coming from.
I was EXACTLY where you were 20 some years ago. I thought the SAME exactly thing. And it took me 20 Years to figure out what is right. Thats time you do not get back!
This paragraph stood out and resonated with me. Before I came out to myself, I always noticed cute guys, although my lens of denial altered my interpretation. When I was in junior high and high school, I was envious of guys with GF (though in hindsight I was attracted to the guy). As I approached middle age, I felt a sense of deep longing when I saw an attractive guy. I think we both know what the universe is telling you!
I think we can always come up with a reson to say the ship has sailed. Truth is, each ship that sails makes our commitments a little more messy to break out of. But it's never too late to listen to your heart. Live for you. It's not nearly as important how your family feels sbout you breaking a commitment you've made. The most important thing right now is, what would be fulfilling for you?
I can't help but see your posting here (even though you have avoided therapy) as a plea for help. You KNOW what people here are going to say. NO ONE is going to tell you to marry her. I'm like the most pro-mixed orientation marriage person the site, and I was the one who originally was like "uh, dude? what are you doing?" You sound bi to me given everything you've written to date. But that doesn't suddenly make this marriage a good idea. You just literally don't seem ready for the commitment that marriage entails regardless of gender. COS, best of luck to you and your finacee. I know your situation is very complicated and I view you both with compassion. A mixed-orientation marriage IS possible, but any marriage requires a huge amount of commitment.
It is a characteristic of human situations that an admirable value, such as the ability to keep promises, can be taken too far. But your values are truly under your complete control, probably the only thing one can ever control; good thing too, because what you value will pretty much determine the rest of your life. You are treating your eventual wedding as a final destination, perhaps with the hope that it will resolve things for you...I did that when I was around your age, it was the biggest mistake of my life, full stop. What do you value? Love or attachment? They are very different things. One offers the fuel for both partners to become who they are, the other is merely to not be alone. Love will challenge you both every minute you are together, attachment will only mean that you have reached some imagined "destination" and then somehow no more needs to be done for the sake of the relationship, you have "arrived". I consider it an extreme red flag that you consider it nice that you succeeded in avoiding an argument, there should be much more to a relationship than a vague feeling of love, and the ability to avoid an argument. What is it that you value? Love or attachment?
