So, while I have asked, my late teenage kids and we have spoken repeatedly with my kids continuing to say they are ok with their dad being gay, I am left scratching my head thinking they actually do have an issue deep down. And this is what is fundamentally causing the breach in our relationship. And despite their therapy individually, my therapy with them as a family, the issue remains where they resist a relationship with me; and all they are doing is saying what they think they are supposed to say when anyone asked them how they feel about their dad being gay - that they are ok with it. So, lets make the assumption for a moment that my kids do in fact have an issue with their dad being gay, they do not want to admit it, and lets throw into that the situation whereby my kids do not want to engage with their father. What suggestions would anyone have on how to properly deal with this? As I have thought about it, it seems I am fighting an uphill battle and should probably let things settle down a bit and hope that they come around. Whether that is next year, five years or 20 years from now. Its not where I would have liked things to be, but it seems like the only option at this point. Any suggestions are appreciated, no matter how crazy they may sound.
Well just as an update, the family therapists feels strongly based on discussions with my kids directly (and without me), that they are not having issues with my sexuality........
I'm not sure if I can give the best advice because my daughter's quite young still, so I'll speak from my experience as a daughter. Your kids are at an age where it is expected that they will pull away, they are probably also feeling some loss at the idea of your split with your wife and your soon to be new marriage. Coming out to them, I'm assuming also happened around the time of yours and your wife's split? Their feelings of loss are perfectly normal. I can only say, just keep being there for them as a father. And over time things will start to fall into place. I know in my case, I was threatened by the changes in our family life, and anything that was connected with the newness of it, whether it was the neighbourhood my dad moved to, his wife's political leanings, anything I could be angry about, I was. But my dad just kept telling me he loved me, setting normal limitations, lecturing me, talking about school, just doing all the normal dad stuff, and at some point, we went back to our close relationship. It took time, and it was rocky, but it smoothed over. Hang in there!! Teenagers are tough even in the smoothest of situations!
I agree with baristajedi that your situation is the result of normal teenage behavior, rather than homophobia (as corroborated by the therapist). I also agree with your assessment that you are fighting an uphill battle. Surrender (in the spiritual sense) is required here. Continue to love your kids, give them the space to be themselves, and trust that one day they will seek you out.
Well, worrying is consistent with being a parent . My dad used to tell me it was "his job to worry". *eyeroll* was my teenage reaction.
I agree with baristajedi. Also, I think maybe you are not their main custodian, right? (IIRC) My stepdad and my mom constantly feel rejected by his sons. It is a major source of stress in their lives. But although he is a very good man and cared for them while his ex wife was in law school, he was not their main caretaker after the divorce. They do not identify him or my mother as their primary family, no matter how nice my parents are to them. High expectations actually harm my parents. However, I DO think that consistent, undemanding but pleasant interactions go a long way toward fixing this sort of imbalance. If kids like spending time with you and its clear you care about them, they will respond. Also, your being gay could make you seem less like them, something which your upcoming marriage underscores. It's not necessarily homophobic to view you as different (although there is a fine line there). Maybe just emphasize shared interests for a while, instead of talking to them directly about your concerns. I know that sharing a love of sports is basically the main way the men in my life talk to each other. A little common-interest bonding can go a LONG way. So I guess my advice is plan some low key but pleasant things to do based around common interests and try and establish rituals and habits so interaction with you (and your spouse?) is consistent and pleasant for them.
I was debating this with a close relative earlier today. My relative, whom knows my girls, relayed discussions to me which were had with my kids. Based in those discussions, my relative believes the kids are indeed struggling with accepting my sexuality. This got me thinking. Only recently had I come to terms with my own internalized homophobia. I came out to myself, I accepted my sexuality consciously, yet I realized that I had my own issues to contend with about others whom were gay. While my kids, as far as I know, are not gay, maybe they have consciously accepted that I am gay, but subconsciously they still struggle with the idea.
This is, again, very normal. Look how long it's taken us to come to accept ourselves. They live in a heteronormative world. They are in an age where they are just coning terms with their own sexuality (whether hetero or gay, it's still a challenge St Thst sge), and they're also at an age where being different is hard to accept. It will smooth over, I believe if you normalise your life with your spouse, continue to be a loving dad, soon it will just be normal and on the background. It takes s lot of strength and patience, I know! But you clearly care deeply and want the best for your relationship with them, so just keep investing the energy, and it will pay off.
As others have said - it sounds more like you might have 'average' teenagers. ugh! No, just kidding. sorta. I doubt it's about you really. Your average teenager is all about them! Not that different from a toddler - just with big bodies, the addition of hormones and their thinking they know everything possible -- and you, you're just a dupe. Old man. You are mid-40's after all - ancient. Archaic. And you have sex?! ick! Doesn't matter with who. Sorry about that. But you're not in any different a position than most parents of teens - it's just you have an added burden - and perhaps some remaining guilt that you went and fucked the family up. No. You. Didn't. Hate to say it, but one day you will be a memory in your kid's minds. Hopefully that memory will be of a father who loved them and modeled living his truth - no matter how difficult that was. And considering the times he grew up in - well, it took a lot of courage compared to the times they're growing up in - which, yes, it still takes courage, but not quite like their pioneering Father. Stand proud, Dad. And give your kids 10 yrs. Not to get used to you being gay, but to become old enough to realize their dad isn't so bad after all. That's just the normal course of raising a teen. You all seem very normal. That's the good news! Now you just need inordinate patience! You've got this. Hang in there. It's a long road.
