I saw a post from you last week that seems to have been wiped out, I assume from the data loss situation. Couldn't respond at the time as I was traveling. I hope you're doing better or have sought help. It's very important for us to remember that the trip into the closet didn't happen in a vacuum and the closet is often as much a symptom of our problems as it is a cause. Often the feelings of isolation or anxiety make hiding ourselves feel like the safest option, and coming out makes us feel more vulnerable and alone than we did before. You're not alone in this, BMC77, and many of us have felt our own variations of what you're going through. It's exhausting; it can be scary and depressing and a host of negative things. But it can be wonderful too. Take care of yourself. As I've said in the past, coming out is a chance to make yourself a stronger person in many more ways than just sexuality. Please, please seek help, because you deserve the chance to be happy. Coming out isn't a magic bullet, and it doesn't need to be the focus of your life. You have to let a broken leg heal and give yourself time walking on the level before you start climbing mountains. Be kind to yourself. We all care about you.
It's a great loss that people's words to BMC77 have gone missing. I hope he will remember what we wrote and come back here for support.
Here is what the web cache had for the lost thread: BMC77 EC Addict Full Member Gender: Male Orientation: Straight as a corkscrew Out Status: I like to keep them wondering: "Is he gay?" Location: Near Seattle, WA Age: 44 Posts: 2,524 Join Date: Feb 2013 Considering suicide As the title says, I'm contemplating suicide. No, I don't have an active plan. This is something that "might take place" at some point, not today. I don't have the the usual reasons for this site. No, my problems are horribly mundane financial problems. As those who've endured my whining in the past know, my cash flow the last few years (since before joining this site) has been bad. Now it's turned terrible. A major income source is now gone, with nothing to replace it. There is a real chance I'll be living on the street before Christmas. I am, of course, looking into options. Hopefully, something can happen so that at least I can survive short term. But if not... I keep thinking if I do end up homeless, I might as well just kill myself. It would be a kinder way to go than dying of pneumonia this winter. Even if something works out, and I get at least stabilized enough to survive short term, the thought hits... I'm so tired of being poor. It's like living in a prison. It's probably one reason I'm so fucking alone in the world. When you don't have spare cash, you can't do things that cost money that might allow you to meet people who might become friends. If you have friends, you can't do things that cost money with them. Even something as mundane as meeting for coffee can be hard. And let's not forget that the chances of a relationship are dramatically diminished with poverty. Once again, how do you meet someone? And who'd want to date poor white trash like me? Yes, money isn't everything...but realistically, most guys would want someone with some financial stability/resources. That elegant little gay guy home in the city, so carefully and beautifully furnished, does not happen on a white trash budget. I keep trying to have hope. That maybe something can work out. Maybe I can get my present situation stabilized. Maybe something can happen so that I could actually escape poverty. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm about "bottom" and there is no direction to go but up. But another part of me feels overwhelmed with pessimism, and honestly wonders...what chance do I really have of escaping poverty? Short of dropping dead? We won't know what happens until it happens, I guess. A year from now, maybe I'll be viewing this thread, and shuddering at how bad things were, but also feeling relieved that I'm still alive, and things did get better. Or maybe I'll be dead and totally forgotten here on EC. Time, I guess, will tell. __________________ "The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes." Sir Winston Churchill BMC77 is online now Old Yesterday, 05:06 PM CapColors EC Addict Regular Member CapColors's Avatar Gender: Female Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: Out to husband (YAY) and a couple of friends Location: NYC Age: 36 Posts: 446 Join Date: Aug 2015 Re: Considering suicide Don't kill yourself. Where there's life, there's hope. You have an Internet connection, so look for resources both for your suicidal thoughts and your employment. When my friend was down and out, she found odd jobs on task rabbit and mTurk. It wasn't a permanent solution but it helped her get through an otherwise nearly penniless time. Im really sorry you are going through this. Poverty sucks. Hard. But there ain't no heaven, so best cling to this rock any way you can. Last edited by CapColors; Yesterday at 05:08 PM.. CapColors is online now Old Yesterday, 05:09 PM baristajedi EC Addict Regular Member baristajedi's Avatar Gender: Female Orientation: Semi-lesbian Out Status: Almost fully out! Location: Edinburgh Posts: 392 Join Date: Sep 2015 Re: Considering suicide I'm so sorry for the pain and struggle you are going through. I can imagine how hard it must be. I don't have a lot of concrete advice for how to get of your situation, but I want to keep your thread bumped bc there may be others in here who can help you think of options. Please do not go through with suicide. I believe you must be incredibly strong to have made it this far through so much struggle, and that means you have the strength to get through this. Can you reach out to someone that can help get you on your feet? Are there any services in your area that can help? Big warm hugs to you. I hope you can find something to pull you through this. Stay on here and vent, everyone on here is very supportive. baristajedi is offline Old Yesterday, 05:33 PM YermanTom Yea! that fellow, you know, himself Full Member YermanTom's Avatar Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: wife and all my siblings + most friends. Location: Dublin Ireland Age: 60 Posts: 324 Join Date: Nov 2014 Re: Considering suicide Having been in that dark place I know it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately sometimes life can be shit! On the other hand there good times to be had as well. I have come through the dark times and I'm in a better place now, I have friends that have come through their own dark journey. The thing is they came through to a better place. I work giving advice about social support here in Ireland and have seen people go from life on the streets to a comfortable life. You are resourceful and there will always be opportunities. Stay strong and hang in there. __________________ After years of and and I told a few people the reaction wsa & so now I feel YermanTom is offline Old Yesterday, 05:35 PM zgirl81 Baker of Pie! Full Member zgirl81's Avatar Gender: Female Orientation: Pansexual Out Status: Most people Location: MN Age: 28 Posts: 154 Join Date: Aug 2015 Re: Considering suicide Do not kill yourself! Being poor is hard. I understand. For a few years my husband and I (because of various health and anxiety issues) have been subsisting on one full time retail salary. It's hard. There's no benefits. And all our medical expenses end up coming out of pocket, further compounding the problems. The only way to feel better about your situation is to accept it and yourself. There is nothing wrong with being poor. Having a job below your abilities doesn't make you stupid suddenly, and being without a job doesn't make you a mooch. Difficult situations happen wether you want them or not! Debt does cause stress, but it doesn't fundamentally change the quality of person that you are. Only you can do that. The first thing you need to do is get your finances under control. Start to pare down your expenses. Only pay for the services that you absolutely need. Cancel the TV subscription, any magazines, music site subscriptions, or anything else that comes with a monthly payment that you can't live without. Move from your subscription phone (Verizon, sprint, or T-Mobile) to a pre-paid phone. Buy things at thrift stores or garage sales that you can use or refurbish to sell. Sell anything you're holding onto in your apartment/home that you can to get you through those rough winter months. It's amazing what people will pay for some knickknacks that you never use and have just sitting around. If you can, get a roommate to help with rent. Do not be afraid to take help from others. Go to free lunches at churches or community centers. Use whatever kind of welfare that might be available to make sure you have food. Contact friends you have that would be willing to give you a loan, or help you out for a month if need be. Let them know that you're in dire straights and do not be afraid to share the fact that you're having problems. Once you're out of difficulty be sure to pay it forward, especially if your friends/family refuse to let you repay them. It will help you to have closure once this rough time is over. If you're looking for ways to fix up your home cheaply so that you can invite people over, start by looking at inspiration pictures online. (Well, first clean and then declutter) It's amazing what can be done with a simple can of paint or drapes to improve the look of where you live. Brightening up or fixing your living space can also give you something to do if you're not currently working. Having a project can help to lessen some types of depression. Once you've stabilized your income you can start looking for ways to boost it. Do you have a special skill that you can market? Can you paint, or make something, or create ideas? Are you good with electronics or woodworking? Anything that you're good at or like to do can become an income generator. Start looking for the opportunities all around you. You can do it! You can beat this time of stress and anxiety! You can have a comfortable life. It just takes hard work and a little bit of luck. Some day we'll both be financially stable! __________________ A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth it. ~Herm Albright~ zgirl81 is offline Old Yesterday, 07:38 PM sagebrush Are we there yet? Full Member sagebrush's Avatar Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Most people Location: Colorado Age: 49 Posts: 189 Join Date: Jun 2013 Re: Considering suicide Dear BMC77, We may not know each other personally, but you are one of my EC friends. I know how hard you've been challenged these past few years, and I am so sorry that things have not gotten easier. But I'd selfishly like you to stick around, and keep going, and keep trying. You are allowed to ask for help: go visit or call the LGBT center (or another resource) where you are, tell them you could use a little TLC right now. Let them help you talk things out and take some of the pressure off you. It might help put things in a different perspective and make things feel a bit less lonely and overwhelming -- then maybe some workable options for moving forward will start to emerge. I know that things feel utterly bleak for you, but there are people out there trained to help. They are waiting for your call, and they will listen to you. Give them a try, please, before doing something that has no "undo" option. And keep talking with us and messaging us. sagebrush is offline Old Yesterday, 09:44 PM SimpleMan EC's Resident Ball of Nerves Full Member SimpleMan's Avatar Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: All Family, Most Friends Location: Indianapolis Age: 30 Posts: 436 Join Date: Mar 2013 Re: Considering suicide Hey! I work quite a bit with folks in my day job who are at risk of losing their homes. It sounds like you have already identified some resources to try to help tide you over. You might try making a list of all of the essentials you need help with at this time. Also make a list of any other services you feel you may need in order to move forward with where you see your life going. Once you have that list, call 2-1-1. 2-1-1 can provide you with lists of agencies and organizations in your area that may be able to assist you in at least a few of these areas of need. I hope you are able to find the supports you need to make it through this challenging time. Sending good vibes your way! SimpleMan is offline Old Yesterday, 11:59 PM Minori Member Regular Member Minori's Avatar Gender: Male (trans*) Orientation: Pansexual Out Status: A few people Location: Canada Age: 19 Posts: 80 Join Date: Oct 2015 Re: Considering suicide As someone who has had trouble just getting food on the table, I know how you feel. But killing yourself will not help. Why would you want to give up? Life is precious, Life is beautiful. And we need to go through bad times to appreciate the good times. Do you have any family or friends that could help you during this time? Do not give up, you are strong. Minori is offline Old Today, 01:28 AM LittleFlowers Startin' the journey Regular Member Gender: Female Orientation: Questioning Out Status: A few people Location: Australia Posts: 6 Join Date: Nov 2015 Re: Considering suicide I'm only new to the forums, so I don't know your situation but I wanted to add my voice to the thread; please don't kill yourself. Life is precious, I have no doubt you are facing struggles and it seems hard. But you are strong, and you will get through. It may not seem it but there will be a time where there is more sunshine in your life. Please, please, take up the suggestions that are offered of support services and reach out to anyone that you can. Huge hugs. LittleFlowers is offline Old Today, 10:13 AM vamonos Well Known Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Out Status: Out but nobody seems to care? Location: Tijuana Posts: 105 Join Date: Sep 2013 Re: Considering suicide If it's just financial, look into the social services available in your area. Lots of people lose everything and they aren't killing themselves. I'm a bottom and I'm so frustrated over not getting sex I want to kill myself. I could get laid if I tried, but I'm too embarrassed to ask guys to bone me. You just have to try. Don't be embarrassed about not having money. You're not the only one. Even people like me who never have to worry about money have lots of other problems. Like if I get the guy to go home with me, will he get hard? Will he have a dick big enough for me? You think only you have problems? I think people should be able to die anytime they want. There should be better options for people than having to walk in front of a train when other people are trying to get to work. vamonos is offline Old Today, 12:06 PM biAnnika 0. The Fool Full Member biAnnika's Avatar Gender: Female Orientation: Bisexual Out Status: I don't hide it, nor do I scream it. Location: Northeastern US Age: 48 Posts: 2,773 Join Date: Nov 2011 Re: Considering suicide BMC, dear...I am so sorry to hear things are so bad. But even if it comes to homelessness for a time, people can and do bounce back from there. You're a good and valuable person. The world is better with you in it. It sounds to me like you really need the counsel of a social worker...now; not when things get really bad. And not to talk you down from doing something drastic, but to explore options for how to get back on your feet. *hugs* __________________ I hope my achievements in life shall be these: that I will have fought for what was right and fair, that I will have risked for that which mattered, that I will have given help to those who were in need...that I will have left the earth a better place for what I've done and who I've been. (C. Hoppe) biAnnika is offline Old Today, 12:58 PM Julietta Member Regular Member Julietta's Avatar Gender: Female Orientation: Lesbian Out Status: A few people Location: London Posts: 28 Join Date: Oct 2015 Re: Considering suicide BMC77 I'm gutted for you that you feel in this dark and despairing place. I've been there myself and acted on it in the past. Suffice to say it didn't work so here I still am. I'm not a little ray of sunshine most of the time, I'm not religious, I don't believe life is precious or anything like that. I know how poverty and homelessness feel, I've experienced it. The fear, the sense that this is not something that can be overcome. The suspicion that the rest of our lives are going to be painful and difficult. BUT you can come out the other side of it. I have seen people come out of it, I have seen people who I know in real life recover from all manner of horrific situations including being on the streets and addicted to drugs to having a stable place to live. I myself am no longer actively suicidal so it can be overcome. I have to battle depression and anxiety every day but I say to myself and other people: IF you think life is pointless, maybe it is, but sure as heck death is pointless. Suicide is pointless. You might as well hang around to see if something changes. Also, I try to be grateful for the things I have, there is always someone far worse off - for example there are people here in the UK and I am sure in the USA who feel equally frightened and despairing and they are also in poverty and homeless but cannot speak English, cannot read or write, or have severe physical disabilities, class A drug addictions, life-threatening illnesses, or have tiny children who depend on them. I'm not saying any of us should be jumping for joy. Life is extremely shit and challenging. Stick with it and try to reach out for every type of support and assistance that is available - network every potential organisation, charity, family member, friend, acquaintance, or anyone who can help. Death is pointless, honestly it is. Julietta is offline Old Today, 03:34 PM zuice Member Regular Member Gender: Male Orientation: Gay Location: NYC Posts: 36 Join Date: May 2015 Re: Considering suicide Hope is always the next word. Talk to a stranger and you will be loved. See a social worker, wherever you are. One good thing is that you know things have to change. That is a positive step. I hope you see a social worker, a church worker or a police officer. If you end up homeless, go to the nearest emergency room and tell them you wish to kill yourself, they will admit you to the nearest psychiatric hospital. As part of the discharge plan, you will be given housing. I believe you just need someone to talk to too. Call the 800 hotlines for suicide prevention. Whatever the future holds for you, be always in conversation with someone about it. This forum shows you that we are all here to help, share and to love one another. I am praying that the beauty of you lives, and that you enjoy happiness. zuice is offline Old Today, 05:29 PM BMC77 EC Addict Full Member Threadstarter Gender: Male Orientation: Straight as a corkscrew Out Status: I like to keep them wondering: "Is he gay?" Location: Near Seattle, WA Age: 44 Posts: 2,524 Join Date: Feb 2013 Re: Considering suicide Thanks, everyone! Sorry for the delay in getting back. Low energy the last day... I'll post more later, but at least this shows I've survived another day... __________________ "The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes." Sir Winston Churchill
Thanks, everyone! Sorry I didn't respond faster. I've been on EC only briefly the last couple of days, and missed this thread. I probably never got much past first page of "New postings." I've had a lot of distractions the last few days. I am not doing "great". But I've sort of "stepped back" from the mental precipice. My situation remains pretty ugly short term, and the long term financial "how do I get enough income to live a decent life?" queston is, frankly, overwhelming. I just went and checked a load of towels in the dryer, and noticed one has a hole. Not unusual--the washer here is brutal, and everything is old and well worn. But...it's disheartening--another towel to be replaced, even if I can find used for $1 or $2. Multiply that by everything else that costs money...well, I'd better stop thinking of this. It's starting to depress me again! One day at a time, I guess... Again, thanks everyone!
