Someone else mentioned trigger crushes the other day. I didn't know what it meant but others explained. This brought into my mind something I've been worried about. I have one particular crush that is very perplexing to me, she's not my 'trigger crush' but certainly I have this enduring crush on her that isn't going away. She lives near me. I can't understand for the life of me why I've got a crush on her. I do find her physically attractive but she's not exactly exceptionally good looking or anything, in fact I think the average person would say she's plain or not attractive at all. The problem is her personality absolutely SUCKS - she's even done some really terrible things to me and caused considerable harm and damage. I'd say she's a sociopath. At first it seemed she was a generally rage filled or controlling person who was taking out some fucked up inner anger she's got on me personally. Then I found out from other people this is her general demeanour, she's acted in similar ways to other people for many years prior to me being in the area. So why the hell would anyone in their right mind get a crush on such a horrible person and why is my head playing tricks on me like this? Is this like some kind of deep rooted psychological disorder? When I used to date men I had a very serious issue that the men I would get involved with were often dangerous and violent - I stopped dating men well over 10 yrs ago, I don't find men attractive and on consideration I never did. I put this problem of being attracted to terrible men down to the fact that I come from a background where my father was exceptionally abusive. So I thought that was the 'cure'. Yet now I have a huge crush on this female who is an absolute nightmare of a person by anyone's standard. I think about her a lot and it's not going away, it's been a long time now and I'm questioning my sanity at this point. Is it like a form of self loathing? I don't know anything about BDSM but maybe I've transcended into that territory without realising. This whole crush seems like something very dark and mentally unwell to me. Can anyone relate to this?
Well, it's good that you recognize that having a crush on this person is not healthy for you...that's big. You'd be surprised how many people don't have that level of self-awareness and get themselves into unhealthy relationships. *Shadow points finger at self* I think you are on the right track about your father having an impact on your mate choices later in life. Children of abusive parents do often seek out mates who match the qualities of the abusive parent. I think in your case, gender probably doesn't matter...your attraction to this woman could still be this same pattern in effect. Some of the same forces that drew you to the toxic men you've dated could be drawing you to this toxic woman. It's not enjoyable, but you are aware of it, and that is significant because you can then make more informed decisions that don't keep you trapped in a cycle of abuse.
I'm glad you are introspective enough to know that this isn't the right woman for you. I've also seen a lot of people in the gay male threads who infer that the reason they stayed married to horrible harpies was because they felt guilty about being gay. So even though she is a woman, maybe there is still some shame you are carrying around that draws you to someone who might punish you emotionally? I am not saying this IS true---just that I've seen some similar things expressed in other threads.
Thank you Shadowsylke and CapColors for your wise words. I am digesting these ideas and thinking about what this means. I have a horrible feeling that I have a dysfunctional attraction to abusers. Sadly the fact is maybe even now I only want to be with women (which I absolutely 100% do), I'm emotionally drawn to an abuser. I mean this woman has terrorised me and several people in my neighbourhood and yet I get off on imagining having sex with her? I think I need psychiatric assistance!
Well, remember, porn and sexual fantasizing can actually be pretty different to what you really WANT in bed. My friends write group sex erotica but don't REALLY want the hassle of an orgy. Some women have rape fantasies but almost no one WANTS to be raped! In fact, they imagine it in large part so they CAN control the rape scenario through fantasy. It's OK to let your brain go a little crazy in fantasy! It can be an outlet for you. Perhaps thinking about having sex with her is in part about your trying to control your reaction to her, to maybe even control her representation in your mind. Now, if you want to DATE her, then that's a whole other ball of wax.
Haha I'm afraid you're absolutely correct - if it was just a sexual fantasy I wouldn't be too worried. But I'm in clear & present danger. This psycho bish is very close at hand, I have real life interaction with her, I'm sure she's gay, and absolutely she's got the profile of a psycho I would have a real life unmitigated disaster of a relationship with. Some may call it intense and romantic, I call it putting ones life at risk. :bang: I'm quarantining myself until I've learned how to a) love myself; b) love nice people who are not psychos. Could take quite some time...
I thought I was getting better but I saw her yesterday from afar and then I couldn't stop thinking about her for a long time afterwards. I am very ill :/
I thought I was getting better but I saw her yesterday from afar and then I couldn't stop thinking about her for a long time afterwards. I am very ill :/
Hey, no worries if your progress doesn't go in a straight line (pun not intended). There will be setbacks but just keep going. Try and meet some other people, even just as friends.
Oh haha! It would be awful to go straight at this juncture :lol: Yes good advice. I shall try to keep meeting new people so I can spread my inappropriate crushes far and wide as opposed to all in one place
