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What would you do if?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Zen fix, Nov 10, 2015.

  1. Zen fix

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    I'm married and I know a number of you are in traditional monogamous relationships as well. In the future I would like to seek out LGBT events/venues. At the moment my interest is to socialize and learn. However, I feel that down the road this could be a chance to meet a man and wonder what I would really do with a clear opportunity for a same sex tryst. My current feeling is that I would totally go for it despite not being a one-night stand type of person and would prefer a more meaningful relationship. This also in spite of my wife not being ok with a monogamish type of relationship.

    What do you think you would really do if you were away from your partner and had the chance? Would you act on it? Would you tell your S.O.? Would you feel guilty?
     
  2. CameOutSwinging

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    Sadly, I am the guy that has gone for it. Has acted on it, and not told my SO (because it would definitely mean splitting up). I do feel guilty but not as guilty as I probably should.

    In a way, I want to advise that it's not something you should do even if the opportunity arises. It adds to that feeling that you're living in secret and hiding, and can't be honest with the person you're supposed to be the most honest with in your life. It does just as much damage on yourself as it does on your SO.
     
  3. Lindsey23

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    There was a time I would have done it...well, not sex, I could never have a one night stand. But kissing/making out, if the opportunity had come up years ago I would have gone for it. Our marriage was in such a bad place though. We were so...just distant from each other. On a good day I felt indifferent towards him and on a bad day I hated him. At that time I would have cheated without telling him and I probably wouldn't have felt too bad about it. However, our relationship started to improve after I came out to him (surprisingly!) Not that it was easy but we started to have some very difficult conversations that we needed to have. There were a lot of things wrong with our marriage, my sexuality was just one of them. We both sought therapy and he eventually gave me a sincere apology for something he had done years earlier. After getting that apology my feelings towards him changed and there's no way I would have cheated on him then.

    At this time we do have an open relationship but it's with the understanding that our marriage is ending. Neither of us is dating though...
     
  4. angeluscrzy

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    I could never be unfaithful even when she gave me "her blessings" to figure things out. I don't like one night stands either as in trying to get things squared around with my sense of self, cheap tawdry sex hardly seems a good way to go about solving it.
     
  5. CapColors

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    I don't think I'd ever do anything. I'm really against cheating.

    I don't even like cheating in my mind, tbh, it makes me feel terrible. But I am trying to give myself license to fantasize about women occasionally, because I know I'm likely never going to get the chance to do anything in person.
     
  6. Steve FS

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    I wouldn't do anything. I would feel too guilty and the guilt would eat me alive. I think I'm just satisfied with the fact that someone would find me attractive. That's all I need to keep on going, really.
     
  7. Contact1111

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    That kind of situation would not even be worth it for me, because I would have no interest in cheating under any circumstances. However, you might be different. Still, it's going to really upset her if she finds out. It would just be wrong to cheat on your wife like this, in my opinion.
     
  8. SiennaFire

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    When undertaking this sort of behavior, you need to be very clear with yourself about the risks of the endeavor you are proposing.

    Since your wife has not opened up your marriage, you risk her anger should she discover your cheating. You will also want to research or check with an attorney to understand the potential impact on your divorce, if that’s something that may happen.

    STI – You need to make sure that you understand the risks here so that you do not bring a disease home, assuming your wife and you are still intimate. Obviously you’ll want to wear a condom. The risk of HIV transmission from oral is fairly low; however, other infections can possibly be transmitted. Please do your homework.

    Having sex with a man outside your marriage can increase your confidence in your sexuality. The first time is potentially awkward, and I needed several at bats with a trusted partner to get truly comfortable. For example, I didn’t get into felatio until I found someone with whom I was comfortable and somewhat emotionally connected. Ditto for the other activities. I’m like you that I’m not into hookups and need some connection with a guy.

    Duplicity / guilt - You'll need to deal with this. Since you've been in the closet, secrecy may be second nature. You'll also need to cover your tracks as well. Managing your own guilt is also a factor.

    My intent is not to recommend a path, but to put out things for you to consider.

    HTH
     
    #8 SiennaFire, Nov 10, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 10, 2015
  9. ConsciousRose42

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    Marriage is marriage -
     
  10. Zen fix

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    I honestly don't get it. This idea of one person fulfilling all your lifetime needs for relationships makes no sense to me, it never has. I went along with it because alternatives were considered unacceptable and it has resulted in disappointment. I feel like we were all tricked. None of the monogamous relationships I have seen were particularly happy, most ended in divorce. When I see a supposed monogamous couple I just figure either they have some arrangement or they are heading towards divorce court.
     
  11. Distant Echo

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    Well this one is complicated. I now live with a co-habiting male rather than a partner. Although he doesn't feel the same. And given the chance with a particular woman, hell yes! With a random hook-up? No.
     
  12. ebda30

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    Nopewouldnt ata ll. Previously we had the rule that you ask how the other persona felt about you nd another person before pursuing anything. Which for me, my husband was never comfortable with that so i would almost assume 100% he would say no. And that would be that. That rule for us was years and years ago tho. Soemtimes i think hed allow it for certain persons. But never a stranger.

    And icould never hurt him again like that btdt. It destroyed him and led to the destruction of our marriage and a very large part ofthe shit we are having to fix now.

    IF i were to ever make such a massive mistake again i would never tell him. I told him about last time because i felt guilty, i couldn't hold out in etc. I took the weight of me and threw it on him 10000 times worse. It was not his weight to bare.

    I think it is completely possible to remain married and happy. But there is a shit ton of work and the dynamic in mono relationships change over time. A lot of people are not okay with the changes and want only the first few years of. Relationshipwhen its a lot of feels and excitement and promises. When that all goes and the feels are changed the promises have to be kept etc. Its less carefree and nore work. Effort and relationships aeem to be a foreign thing for a ot of people.
     
  13. CapColors

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    Zen, I've been reading a lot of literature on couples lately (scientific papers) and this isn't true. The divorce rate is less than 50% and dropping (The Truth About The Divorce Rate Is Surprisingly Optimistic). It's also even lower than the national average among the highly educated. Also, a minority of people engage in extra marital sex across their lifetime.

    Look, if you want to cheat, at least be clear on WHY. You have a situation that's very different from straight couples whose biggest issue is what to watch on TV. But don't think "everyone does it" is a valid excuse. The only reason to cheat is literally "I care more about cheating than I do about not cheating."

    ::Stats on infidelity below::

    "In recent studies with large representative samples, approximately 22% to 25% of men and 11% to 15% of women indicate that they have engaged in extramarital sex. These numbers likely underestimate rates of EMI because some individuals refuse to disclose such sensitive information; in addition, because these samples include younger cohorts who have not yet but may eventually engage in EMI, they likely underestimate lifetime prevalence. For example, Wiederman (1997) found that up to 34% of men and 19% of women in older cohorts report engaging in extramarital sex at some point in their lives. In any given year, it is estimated that between 1.5% and 4% of married individuals will engage in extramarital sex (Choi, Catania, & Dolcini, 1994; Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, & Michaels, 1994; Leigh, Temple, & Trocki, 1993; Smith, 1991; Wiederman,
    1997).

    as cited in Allen, E. S., Atkins, D. C., Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., Gordon, K. C., & Glass, S. P. (2005). Intrapersonal, interpersonal, and contextual factors in engaging in and responding to extramarital involvement. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 12(2), 101-130.
     
  14. Zen fix

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    The declining divorce rates are following the declining marriage rates. www.cdc.gov
    I've seen stats that show 50% men and 50% women commit infidelity. Since those people aren't all married to each other a majority of relationships will experience "cheating" at some point.

    And, to be frank, it isn't cheating. It's someone trying to meet a need. But social and religious mores have cast it as sin, pathology, etc. This viewpoint has been reinforced by such ideas as "the one" or that one person will always be able to fulfill your needs. I'm not advocating a "free love" scenario or unfettered access to sexual partners because that's not healthy either. But we are way out of balance on this issue as a society.

    But CapColors, I hope you know I respect you and your thoughts on all subjects. You could be right and I'm wrong (*hug*)
     
  15. SiennaFire

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    Monogamy is an anachronism, and society is decades away from embracing the idea of bisexual monogamy where bisexuals have partners of both sexes. This was my thought process when I identified as bisexual, and my first attempt at embracing unconventional thought on one's lifestyle.
     
    #15 SiennaFire, Nov 13, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2015
  16. myloveralice

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    I'd be interested to see statistics that are more current. With marital norms and cultural norms steadily changing over time, peer reviewed data from nearly 20 years ago may provide some stale results.
     
    #16 myloveralice, Nov 13, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 13, 2015
  17. CapColors

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    Buddy, if your wife doesn't know and wouldn't approve, it's cheating. Rail against marriage all you want but if you're in one that's not open, it's cheating.
     
  18. bi2me

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    I'm with CC on this. If you don't want monogamy, your partner should also be on board (or at least has full knowledge, even if not participation) with the non-monogamy.
     
  19. CameOutSwinging

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    I've tried telling myself too that it's not cheating. That I'm meeting a need that I can't get in my bedroom with my female lover. That since I'm not sleeping with other women, it's totally okay.

    Cap is right. It's cheating. It's lying to your spouse. I'm not judging. I openly admit here to sleeping with guys without my wife's knowledge. But let's call a spade a spade. It's cheating. Something I'm not proud of. Something I even think I'd not do if I were with a man in a relationship. But it is what it is.

    Doesn't make you a bad person for considering it. As Aaron West sings, you ain't no saint, I ain't one either.
     
  20. rachael1954

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    I have an open marriage and always had the option of being with a woman on the side. I was in love with the idea of marriage, or monogamy, or of the self i invented and put on.

    Finally one day I met someone I really wanted to be with, and since I had permission I went ahead without much thought.

    Now my whole head/heart/soul is disrupted and I don't enjoy the clarity with which I see myself, my marriage, and my situation. It's a cluster-fu* of epic proportions, and I have no idea how it will "end."

    Whether you do or don't, just be aware of the possible ramifications. I had no idea my soul could be freakin shattered. Be aware of the effects it could have if found out, and even if it's not found out it will still have an effect on your marriage, whether your wife knows why or not.

    Guilt is an ongoing part of all of this, at least for me.