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I feel ridiculous

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Apollonia, Nov 10, 2015.

  1. Apollonia

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    So I'm coming to terms with being not straight, and as a result I am actively paying a lot more attention to women than I used to.

    The thing is, I don't have experience with women other than kissing, and I am generally speaking an extremely insecure person. So whenever I catch myself eyeing some pretty woman, I get this overwhelming feeling of being so utterly ridiculous - how could any woman ever be attracted to me? I feel embarrassed by my ogling and as a result get very down about myself.

    I have been told I am attractive (which ofocurse, whenever anyone says that, is due to good lightning, makeup or the amount of alcohol the person saying this has consumed - I find myself next to appalling) but I am not a young girl any more. So not only am I embarrassed by my interest but also because of my lack of experience.

    I don't know what I am asking.. Maybe does this feeling ever subside so I could embrace my orientation and be confident about it :frowning2:
     
  2. CapColors

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    You'll feel better and better about it.

    One thing, though, do make sure that occasionally you're laying your eyes on some queer women, because straight women WON'T be attracted to you, so ogling them is a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy in your case.

    Also, your insecurity about your looks seems to be orthogonal to your queerness. If people spontaneously tell you you are attractive, then you are. Period. Sure, people will lie if you ASK THEM, but people don't spontaneously tell people who aren't cute that they are cute.

    I know this from experience, as being a not-hot person with lots of hot friends all my life.
     
  3. Lindsey23

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    I used to feel embarrassment and shame when I'd notice women. Not anymore though, now I kinda enjoy it. Unless I catch myself staring, then I'm embarrassed... As you become more comfortable with yourself these feelings will pass. Give it time.



    Agreed.
     
  4. PlaidGlove

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    The short good news: Yes, it will subside. Trust me, you are not ridiculous.

    The long good news: It will not subside unless you work on it a little bit. It seems to me that maybe your inner monologue needs to be turned into a kinder one. Judging from my own experience, until you start cultivating self-love, it's not going to matter even if the woman of your dreams drooled all over you and told you that you're the most beautiful woman she ever saw. Cultivating self-love and self-compassion is one of the best things you can do for yourself. There are so many great books on it, too.

    I think most people feel a little ridiculous, and perhaps even transparent, when they're attracted to somebody. I know I do.

    I see that the question of age is part of that inner monologue too. Listen, somebody who is attracted to you won't give two hoots as to whether you're 30 or 70. I know, because I am easily attracted to women who are more than ten years my senior, some of whom have described themselves as "old". To me though, it's really a non-issue.

    Nor is there any shame in "lacking" experience. No one who is worth sharing a sexual experience with would make you feel "less than" for never having had a same-sex sexual experience before. Instead, the first woman you do have sex with should be someone who shows you respect, takes the time to get to know you, to earn your trust, who makes you feel safe, secure, loved, who doesn't pressure you but instead makes you feel very sexy. And then, when you are ready and comfortable — then she'll initiate you into the wondrous mysteries of lesbian sex.

    And you, my dear, you won't look back. :wink:
     
  5. Really

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    Bookmark.
     
  6. ThatRangerGirl

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    Just be yourself, no matter what.
     
  7. Apollonia

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    Thank you for the answers, it is comforting to hear that it just might get better.

    PlaidGlove, you hit the nail in the head with your comment about turning inner monologue a bit kinder. I have a huge problem with that, I know logically that I am not a bad person but most of the time I feel extremely inadequate in everything I do or am. So I guess it is quite natural it reflects on this are of my life as well.

    Something to work on for sure.

    Another thing that makes it difficult and increases my embarrassment is that I don't quite know the rules of engagement when dealing with women; as in all my life I have mostly flirted with men and I know the rules of that game, whereas flirting and approaching a woman seems, at least to me, a bit different.

    But I guess time and just trying things out helps in this case as well.
     
  8. zgirl81

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    If it helps: I have a lot of fun with people who are crazy people-persons like me, but I'm not attracted to them. I'm very attracted to people who are quiet and just a bit awkward when we meet.

    Also: If it's a game, there are so many sets of rules that it can be paralyzing. So ignore the rules! Have fun, and you'll find someone! :slight_smile: Happiness is attractive.
     
  9. PlaidGlove

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    It takes time, so please give yourself that time. I don't know about you, but to me, knowing something "logically" usually amounts to having some kind of evidence that something is true. Somebody might tell me that something is true, but I do not actually feel capable of believing it.

    Becoming capable of believing it comes with developing an ever stronger sense of self-worth. You'll get there, but please be patient with yourself, OK?

    Look, it's easy to tell from your posts that you're a very intelligent person, so please forgive me if what I have written below seems obvious to you.

    As far as I'm concerned, the "rules" are easy, but it may take some conscious effort to unlearn the conventional "do's and don't's" usually connected to dating advice for straight people.

    So, the simple version: Treat people as you would like to be treated: Be honest. Be sincere. Let your actions speak for your feelings.

    Now for my personal interpretation of the Golden Rule in flirting and dating:

    If you're sincerely interested in someone, show her. Ask her to hang out at your favorite art gallery, museum, concert, coffee shop, zoo, veggie restaurant. Find an opening to ask her to have coffee with you, for drinks, for dinner, etc. Be proactive. Give her compliments. Initiate conversations. Sometimes all it takes is a "Hello! How's things?". Show her that you remember something she mentioned once in a blue moon. Cheer her up when she's having a bad day. When you're starting to get uncomfortably nervous, that's when you need to stick with it. Feel the nervousness. Take a time-out if you need to. Know that it's OK to be nervous. If she has half a heart (and especially if she is interested in you, too), she will find it endearing. In other words: If she matters to you, let her know. Don't be afraid of showing that you care if you do. If you don't, don't pretend to.

    If a woman you like asks you to hang out, accept, show some enthusiasm if you are, in fact, enthused! (Think about it, if she really likes you, she probably spent some time working up the courage to ask you out. Don't punish her for it. :wink: ) Go with her, have fun! Feel all the butterflies. If all goes well, enjoy feeling your pulse go crazy and your knees weaken as you hold her hand, kiss her, make out with her, have sex with her…

    If you like someone who's showing interest in you, please do be playful, but don't play hard to get, don't try to make her jealous, or other kinds of mind games. It creates a horrible foundation for anything stable to develop, and it introduces mind games into the equation. It's so easy to spot, and it's really unattractive to anyone with self-respect. (And trust me, you want to date someone who has self-respect.) Besides, more often than not, it comes off a mix of insecurity on the one hand, and being comfortable with wasting somebody's time and with playing with their emotions on the other. That signals disrespect and the opposite of sincere interest.

    If you're not interested in someone who is obviously interested in you, let her know. Don't ignore her and don't lead her on. Whenever you end up in that kind of situation, ask her to talk for a couple of minutes, tell her in a very respectful and sensitive manner that you don't want to lead her on.

    If you're unsure or insecure for some reason, say for example if she's completely out, accustomed to stuff that's all new to you, and that has you freaking out, just let her know. Talk to her about it.

    Bottom line: Golden Rule. Be honest. Be open. Be brave. Be yourself: If you're a romantic, be romantic. If you're not, don't be. Dare to be vulnerable and communicate. We're all looking for connection, and we're not going to find it unless we expose our tender hearts to the arrows of Eros/Cupid (that old bastard).
     
    #9 PlaidGlove, Nov 11, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 11, 2015
  10. Apollonia

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    Thank you for your thoughtful answer. If everybody had your heart the (dating) world would be so much more easier to deal with :slight_smile:
     
  11. PlaidGlove

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    You're most welcome!

    Also: Protect your own heart. If somebody treats you to any lower standards than you yourself treat them, turn around and walk away. If they come after you, keep walking. Don't accept petty mind games. They will only give you heartache. Beware, though because the most insecure ones are bound to start it at some point, especially if you're confident; they will try to pull you down to their level of (in)security. There are women out (t)here who don't play the games of insecurity. Be one of us. :wink:
     
  12. Orchidea123

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    I think when someone says you are cute (without you asking them), they mean it. Majority of compliments are honest and good hearted from well meaning people.
    Historically I am into looks of personality, not ultimate beauty. I find personality and quirks more beautiful and gorgeous as opposed to something fake.