Hello everyone, I've really appreciated and been inspired by reading so many of your stories. It really *does* help to know that I am not the first one to go through this. After 25 years of couplehood, 2 children, and what most people consider the fairytale, ideal marriage, I came out to my wife on October 15. Here's the account : I saw the therapist yesterday (Oct 15). He told me I was absolutely doing the right thing. By coming clean. By telling her. The plan was for me to see him one more time before bringing her in so he could be there to help manage her reactions. But… She knew something was wrong. Very wrong. I tried to play it off to fatigue, work stress. When we got into bed, she curled up to me. Loving. Tender. Comforting. I told her I had seen a therapist. That I needed to deal with some issues surrounding my depression, anger, distance. That I talked to him about our marriage. She asked if she needed to be worried about “us.” I faintly whispered, “I’m not sure yet.” She began to question herself, blame herself for me not loving her, not liking her. I was holding her tight, reassuring her that it was about ME not her… and then I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I said it : I’m GAY. I always have been. She silently held me tight as I sobbed, struggling to breathe. And then the questions began. How long have you known? All my life. Have you been unfaithful? I’ve experimented a few times. She began pointedly saying names. The teacher ?! No absolutely not. The landscape guy?! You were very emotionally attached to him. NO, absolutely not. We were just really good friends. The anesthesiologist?! No. I swear. Wow… you have 2 different worlds… Anger. After 23 years of marriage, I’ve given everything to you, sacrificed myself. And you’re this fucking selfish?! Did you ever think about that?! Or did you justify it by telling yourself it wasn’t really cheating because they’re men?! How can you be gay when you can have really good sex with me?! I’m so stupid! I’m an idiot! All the signs were there, but you hid them very well! Fuck you. Just fuck you. I took it. All of it. Wishing she had a gun to simply shoot me. I told her how often over the years I’ve been suicidal. This morning. More of the same. Holding her while she cried. Her holding me while I cried. Trying to understand the complexities of my sexuality and our relationship. She is terrified of being alone. Begging me not to leave her. Reminding me that I promised her we would love each other, be selfless, sacrifice ourselves for each other. Talking about each of our roles in the problems in our relationship. Acknowledging them. Accepting responsibility for them. Saying I’m sorry to each other. Over and over and over. More questions. How many times have you been unfaithful? I’ve experimented a few times. Are you actively with anyone right now?! No. I swear. Does she want to come to the therapist with me next week? No, she’s not ready yet for someone to tell her that no matter how much she loves me or what she does, I will still leave her behind. She loves me. She adores me. Why do I get to make the decision, walk away and deny her any say in the outcome? What if I can’t, what if I fail at making it work??? If I do, she hopes she will go to sleep and never wake up. Why couldn’t I wait for her to have a heart attack and then do this? When she asks if I’m willing to try to make the marriage work, all I can do is say, “I don’t know…” I’m so sad. So confused. For me. For us. But mostly for her. She doesn’t deserve this. Oh my God. What have I done… ........................................ Before I told her, I was suicidal. I sincerely believed that she would be better off if I simply drove into a tree. I spend a lot of time on the road, so an accident would be easily explained... Since then, there have been many more tears, many heated conversations. Raw, aching, gut-wrenching sobs from both of us. She is doing her best to be understanding and compassionate. We have spent more hours simply holding each other and talking these past three weeks than we have in many years. Here's the dilemma. I don't believe she has yet grasped the meaning of all this. She believes that our marriage can survive in some modified way. I'm not so sure. I love her. I'd take a bullet for her at this instant. But it has changed, shifted. She's slowly starting to realise that, I think. I'm not sure what I want. I'm honestly at a loss because I DO love her so much and it kills me to see her in this excruciating pain, BUT I've also told her I can't put it back in the box, I can't pretend to be straight anymore. She says she feels betrayed, cast aside, like she was wasted. These words also make me nauseated because she is an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE woman. Even so, the therapist agrees that she is too fragile right now to stand on her own should I decide to exit the marriage. I would obviously never, ever simply disappear or abandon her. So, any advice or insights any of you might offer on how I might best help her in this transition would be most appreciated. Apologies for rambling, but my emotions are all over the place...
Can I just say thank you? That raw, painful honesty is so important. I can't tell you how she's going to continue to respond down the line, but giving her the gift of honesty really matters. I'm speaking from her side - almost a year post-disclosure and while I still struggle with it a lot of the time, I'm so glad that he is still here (physically - he was suicidal as well) and I believe him when he tells me what we had was genuine. Transitioning is hard. Continue to reassure her that you love her. Don't play to the frailty - that was a difficult thing for us; we both treated me as fragile and it was detrimental, and it hurt. Give her space to grieve, give her permission to talk to someone. You're absolutely right, she doesn't deserve it - but you don't deserve to be stuck, either. Something you said really struck a chord and it's what bothers me the most - why did he get to make the decision and walk away and deny me any say in the outcome. Truly, this has been the toughest part for me. Give her a chance to express that. Honestly, the best thing you can do is continue to be honest. Answer her questions openly. Let her be angry, let her be hurt, let her go through the grief process. And understand that you are grieving as well. And if she wants, encourage her to find some support of her own: therapy, a support group, anything. I wish you the best, and I really commend you for your honesty and your compassion.
(&&&)(&&&) What a heartfelt post! It is so hard, doing this, knowing we are hurting someone else. I've very recently told my co-habiting male (I can't call him my partner anymore) that I'm now identifying as lesbian rather than bi. The look on his face. While I was bi he had hope for us surviving, but lesbian means we can't. And it feels like he is trying to get me to change my mind and go back to being bi. In the end, you are each responsible for yourselves, and if pretending to be straight makes you suicidal, you need to place yourself first. You have a right to live. It's like any relationship breakup. It's hard but things will get better. Look after yourself.
Thank you for these responses. I am honestly NOT looking for kudos or recognition for being honest or compassionate. Quite frankly, I feel like a monster. We are slowly working through things. She tells me she knows I'm sorry, knows I didn't choose it. Intellectually, she gets it. But her heart is broken and I did it to her. I'm a a natural empath. I used to cry when my sister's toys got broken, so Iam feeling her pain and also trying to deal with my own. She keeps telling me to just be patient with her, to give her time to grieve. Thanking me for holding her and loving her and not just walking out. Her sobs though... I can hardly bear knowing that I am causing her such visceral pain. Somehow or another we'll make it through. Thanks again for your insights.
Hi gabrielaime2006 Welcome to EC :welcome: Congratulations on finding the courage to come out to your wife and start your journey towards authenticity. Coming out to my wife was the hardest coming out conversation for me. I experienced a similar reaction after I came out to my wife, so what you are experiencing is typical - albeit very painful. Continue to keep the lines of communication open and do your best to keep things amicable, which will not be easy because she feels betrayed by the infidelity. I would encourage you to encourage your wife to get therapy as a way of helping her process her emotions. There will be a rollercoaster of emotions as you and your wife process your feelings. We'll be here for you on EC. (&&&)
Just go slow. You think you know where you're heading, and to some extent, you probably do — after all, you've had a lifetime to think about this. Your wife, on the other hand, is just starting to sort through it all. But regardless of that, both of you will go through stages where your perception changes — what you think you want now might not be where you end up. Treat each other with compassion (it sounds like you already are). The marriages that were happiest before the big reveal often end up having the best outcome. Just my 2¢.
Welcome. Be as patient as you can be with her without losing yourself. Also don't be surprised if she tells people. Women (and men, but it seems particularly us) process via sharing. It's likely not an attack on you if she tells people; it's just a way of processing and supporting herself.
