I posted before the site loss (out to my friend) the other day and it fell victim to the data loss (along with my account... Internet happens) Recently, my friend came out to me. Which, I found myself instantly coming out to them. Something I had never told anybody. There are some sexual assault ptsd issues from my past along with a prior failed attempt many years before that resulted in burying myself and trying not to revisit. But, as you know, it doesn't stay buried. When suddenly given a completely safe opening to connect with somebody who was also in the process of self discovery, I took it without thought. I was so very happy. My friend was so very happy. It is a happiness I do not recall feeling before. So BURSTING with emotion and joy and and, holy crap, HORMONES! Hormones?? Wha?? Where did THAT come from? The next few days were nothing but my head churning over..... everything. and then all of the old feelings started popping up. Bringing me back to when I felt like a complete mess. When it comes to what feels right to me, I have a hard time understanding and an even harder time thinking I will be taken seriously after the first time I attempted to come out. As I did in my first post here, I am just going to lay it out. I am a male who relates more as a female but is still attracted to females (on more than just a sexual level) and certain males. I am not completely unhappy being a male but have always wished I was female. I don't exactly know what I want or what to do. I just know that when I came out to my friend, I felt so happy and right. But now, confusion.
The hardest part of figuring out what you want is often accepting yourself for who you are. I'm so proud of you for taking that first steps! Admitting to yourself that you're not straight as an arrow can be a very euphoric experience. You're finally not lying to yourself and have opened a new can of worms to sort through. Maybe start by answering a few questions for yourself: What types of people do you feel romantically inclined toward? What types of people are you attracted to sexually? Do you feel like a Lesbian trapped in a Male body? If you could live as a woman without fear of repercussions, would you? When have you been the most happy? Questions like these can help to shake loose your ideas. Then I'd recommend reading up on all the labels you can (to sort out what categories you fall into). Labels aren't the best for describing everything, but they can give you a jumping off point for settling your thoughts and helping you understand what you're feeling. Once you're confident in yourself and who you are, then you can come out to the people around you without worrying about what they think... Because you are who you are, and they really don't have any say about that! Congratulations! We're here to listen, and hope you keep sharing your story with us! (&&&)
Thank you so very VERY much for this zgirl. Thank you! The one time before, when I tried to talk to somebody about it was many years ago with a girlfriend of mine who, even though she was all about gay rights and equality, pretty much tore me down and assisted in my confusion. Long story short, she sort of pulled it out of me in order to use it against me. (come to find out, she was like that) I told her (with different wording) that I felt like I was a lesbian trapped in a male body. I explained what I meant and how I had always felt more feminine in mind and that I was unsure what to do about it. She told me I was just trying to get laid and that it doesn't work like that, I can not be a lesbian because I am just a male who likes lesbians. How stupid I was to try and pull that on her because she was smarter than that. So, I buried it. I have only been attracted to a few males. Not because the idea of being with one doesn't peak my interest, but it's the attitude of most. I don't "get it" I guess. I have always had more female friends than male friends. I relate to them better. I feel more comfortable. I can be myself, have emotions, be sensitive, loving and sharing OPENLY. I often get invited to "girl's night out" with my female friends. When I go to a gathering, I will normally hang out around the females. Just chilling and BSing about this and that. Nothing sexual or flirty, just being there, in their energy. There was one woman I was with for a short period of time. She was a lesbian but had decided she wanted to be involved with me on a more romantic level. She had mostly only been with women and, pretty much didn't change the way she did things while she was with me. The way I felt with her and the way she treated me even though she didn't know (but might have) was the happiest and most loved I had ever felt up to that point. I wanted to tell her so badly, but she ended up moving on. When it comes to labels, I can not come to something more fitting than that of a lesbian trapped in a male body. But really, does this happen? I am not really finding a lot on it. I know that is a silly question, but this is where I have been for years.
Perhaps you are transgender? I'd poke around those threads in the gender orientation section. Being transgender is pretty rare but it can happen. This would be a separate issue than being a lesbian. You can be a trans-female lesbian or trans-female heterosexual or any other kind of sexual orientation. Or you could be a bi male or a straight male that likes certain kinds of women. (It is a LITTLE odd to ONLY like lesbians as a male, though. Do you like other girls too? Or did you just happen to have a good experience with your lesbian girlfriend?) Personally, I would try and sleep with different kinds of people before moving down the road of gender orientation change, but get some other opinions.
I am not specifically attracted to lesbians, no. Just as I am sure lesbians are not specifically attracted to other lesbians or Gay men attracted to just gay men. The reason I used that term is because how I relate and feel is female. I am attracted more to females than males. Reality is though, I don't really care much about the label aspect of this so much as understanding and moving forward with what I find that makes me feel more like, ME. I have had experience sleeping with different kinds of people, but it has all come right back to the above posted. Where I stand now, I have not been in a relationship since 2006 (somewhat due to this) and have only had sex a few times in over 4 years (also partially due to this and dealing with MST deciding it no longer wanted to be ignored). I live by myself in a fairly "nobody's gonna drive that far" location. I am not wanting to sprint out and start the process of any form of gender orientation change or looking to make any ill times or non well thought out change in my life. Just trying to figure out this self puzzle I have been carrying around for most of my life I am patient.
