I don't know how to coherently form a post about this... My feelings are all just everywhere. I guess I just want to get some of this out because I can't say these things to very many people, these things make me seem a mess at best and a monster at worst. So here goes...what I want: I want to sleep with my coworker (a man). Many times. I want to ask the woman in the cafe to get a drink and tell her Ive been noticing her for a while. I want to tell the woman with the smile and the hair and the warmth that I'm crushing on her. I want to go out, have a drink, talk to women, flirt, show interest, feel like they are interested in me, and just enjoy the fun of it all. Alone time. Time where I nurture me and care for me. I want future her. Not for a while, later. The one that I dream about with the soothing voice, warm skin, who strokes my hair and love her and she to love me. ---- What I have: A kind loving supportive husband, who wants to focus on us and supports my growth within obvious boundaries. Monogamy. Responsibility to not hurt others, husband, daughter. Lack of certainty on exactly how much I need all the things I want right now, how much is a visceral gut reaction to coming out, and how much is a long term need.
So. Does your marriage make it into what you want? Does your husband? Of your want list, I think there is one there you need to discuss with your husband. And not the one you think. Alone time. Time to think, with no pressures, no expectations, just for you. I think that should be your highest priority.
H That's actually a plan we have...my contract at wil ends in 2 months and my husband suggested I take a few months off of work, and on the days our daughter is in nursery (4 days/week), just use that time for me, particularly to think about this. I think it should be a big help. You said - Does my marriage/husband make it into what I want. Right now I feel like my gut says no, but I wonder how much if that is just me reacting to wanting an escape from what having the commitment of a husband means. At least right now, I don't want that commitment. I feel like my growth is on hold because of that commitment.
I'm not going to make it through this whole thing without making terrible mistakes, I can feel it. I feel so much pain all the time. I just want to start being me now. I want to be able to be a little selfish. I don't know how to be me and to grow while I'm with my husband.
(*hug*) I'm not sure any of us make it through life without making a few big mistakes. We can only do what we feel we need at the time and hope that we can do it with grace and compassion for those around us. The fact that you are concerned about and talking to your husband says a lot about your intentions.
Thanks for the hugs . I just had a very honest talk with my husband...and I think we've made some headway. I really do want to take care not to hurt anyone, and also stsy true to me. I hope I can stay strong in both areas.
I have found that for me, the more honest and open I am, the less I am feeling the need to immediately do anything to physically validate my bisexuality. That might not be true for you, but it's working for me, for now.
I completely understand how you feel about what you want, it is all very confusing. While I have not come out to my husband, I know I want some thing different. And I agree that just having some alone time may help figure it all out. Being true to ourselves is really the only way to go. Good luck!
I think you are doing fantastic. It's going to hurt like hell no matter what. Your values are in the right place. I am sorry it's where it is right now. I'm sorry I have been gone. I'll be here more. (*hug*)
Thanks for the encouragement . I feel like I'm heading in a good direction now . ---------- Post added 17th Nov 2015 at 05:31 AM ---------- Snowshoe! I've been missing you! Glad to see you posting . Thanks for your encouragement and support. Everyday lately feels like a learning experience. Raw and vulnerable sometimes, but more positive and feeling like its something I can grow and gain fulfilment from.
