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A leap of faith

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Nov 11, 2015.

  1. baristajedi

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    I guess there isn't really a question I can think to ask, but insight from you all is welcome as always.

    My husband has come to accept the idea, in the far future, with lots of conditions, to open our marriage.

    I suppose I'm left with these feelings of worry/doubt/fear ...not sure.

    I guess there are two paths, making a go of it with my husband and taking a leap of faith in that direction, seeing as he's significantly evolved in his perspective and is being incredibly supportive. The leap here is believing in the possibility that with a marriage like ours, I can be happy, fulfilled, that it won't feel hollow, that I won't still dream of the possibility of a life with a woman, that my husband and I can make it work with hard work; that I can still be me and feel true to myself; that I will have the freedom and fulfillment of exploring and understanding me better and what being bi but mostly gay means to me.

    The other is taking a leap of faith in going my own path, believing that possibly I could find love that fits more to the true me, or find happiness in being alone, given that going that path might mean I would be doing something more true to me.

    I'm sure it will take me time to reach those answers. But I wish I could find some way to feel like I'm comfortable taking a leap of faith in one direction or the other. I feel like I can find peace in either decision so long as I believe I've chosen to have faith in it. because even if it doesn't work out, at least I'd chosen the path that feels on a gut level to be right.

    I don't have a clear sense of how to discover that faith I need to have... I wish there were a guidebook for these kinds of things.
     
  2. Distant Echo

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    I think you know what you want but it conflicts with what you think you should want.
    I think You want time to explore this now, not in a couple of months, or some undefined time down the track. What you think you should want is your husband.
    I know I'm lucky in that my kids are older and haven't had their father in their lives that much. Also that this was a new (renewed) relationship and I'm used to being on my own with the kids.

    I think, also, that your husband is aware of your longing and is trying to work out a way of keeping you together, even if he isn't comfortable with the direction you are taking.

    Personally, I think you need that time on your own, without jumping into any kind of relationship, to see how you might miss your husband. Then you could make an informed decision.
     
  3. baristajedi

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    You are right, I do know what rings more true to me. Being free today (yesterday...) is what I want. Being free both for all the selfish short term reasons as well as the more long term picture of understanding and building of me.

    But

    The conflict comes in 2 parts:
    - yes there is the life I feel like I'm *supposed* to choose, the one that mskes me take it all on the chin so everyone else stays happy. The one that seems more responsible (I'm not saying that I should stay in a marriage that's clearly not working, but it seems more responsible to *try* to make it work, maybe in the end it won't, but at least trying to stay and see if I can be happy)

    -there's also the time element. I mean if we were to separate, I wouldn't want, for my daughter's sake, to do it overnight. I would want a very clear well thought out process to make it all happen.
    The only difference in that scenario is that I'd feel ethically ok with sleeping with work guy and dating women now. Of course when time permits.


    I don't know...I feel like no matter the decision we make that I won't get my short term desires met. Unless I just cheat.
     
    #3 baristajedi, Nov 12, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2015
  4. Distant Echo

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    Many years ago (like 15 years?) I found myself in an impossible Situation. Contemplating doing something awful or get out of the relationship I was in. I choose to get out. There was nothing good left, I was in fear most of the time. I had very small kids and nowhere to go. I spent months planning my escape, going as far as secretly packing and taking over a friends garage. I organized emergency accommodation, welfare payments, support (leaving meant I also lost my job) and that gave me a way of getting through the days. Knowing that I was getting out. I had a timeline and I could take anything because I knew I was getting out.
    I think you need a definite timeline. Start the groundwork for some time on your own. Start getting things ready for that. Give yourself something to look forward to. You are stuck in a circle of indecision with no definite plans. Start planning. It really does make the waiting easier.
    And, again, think seriously about work guy, what cheating with him would mean.
     
  5. baristajedi

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    (*hug*) I know you've mentioned before that you've had some struggles in the past, and I think you are so strong fur overcoming them. Just want to send hugs your way.

    I have to think about what you're saying about the timeline. I do agree, it's the healthiest way to go about this. I think for me, it's maybe more of steps to getting closer to clarity on what decision I should make.

    In terms of work guy...
    It would be more than sex for me. Some healthy, some neutral, some perhaps less healthy sounding things. For me it means empowerment, trusting and embracing my sexual instincts, growth in those areas, escape from the complicated parts of my life, comfort, fun, friendship, no strings, relaxation, selfishness, fulfilling myself without regard for everyone else.
    Obviously it also means being deceitful, secrecy, hurting/betraying my husband, and may leave me racked with guilt. If discovered the marriage is fully ruined.

    Those are just observations, not sure what it all means to me yet.
     
  6. mellie

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    Please, lady, do not sleep with work guy. I am usually not one to out-rightly advise for or against something -- obviously it's your choice. But I see you teetering, I can feel it through your posts. As someone who has gone outside of the marriage before, I can tell you that these things DO have a funny way of coming out sooner or later. I can tell you it will not clarify ANYTHING for you and it will leave you even more confused and "racked with guilt." I can tell you that you will be making a decision before you are ready to. And I can tell you that if (more likely WHEN) your husband finds out, you risk completely destroying any chance of an amicable divorce. Sleeping with someone else, man or woman, without your husband's knowledge and consent, will only complicate things and push you further into indecisiveness, anxiousness, and depression.

    You owe it to yourself and your husband to figure out where your relationship is going BEFORE you involve yourself with ANYONE else. I know this is so complicated for you and I can see through your posts that you are really going through some intense ups and downs. I'm there with you, in a different situation, but I know how you feel. I would hate to see you do something you'd regret and just make those ups higher and the downs much, much lower.

    Figuring out what you want from your marriage is easier said than done. But if you and your husband married under the condition of monogamy, then it's not an option for you to go figure it out on your own (in my opinion). I've made plenty of mistakes, and I'm certainly not one to judge, I am just advising you from a place of experience. What if you figure out you want to be with your husband? Then what? You have to tell him or you have to live with the lie forever. And if you figure out you don't want to be with him, then you have to live with the fact that you got the opportunity to move on before he did, and that's stealing time and energy from him. And honestly, it's very likely that this crush you have on work-guy sprouts directly from your current state of vulnerability.

    Anyway, that's my two cents. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) You're in my thoughts.
     
  7. baristajedi

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    Thanks Mellie for the honest perspective.

    Everything you're saying rings true. I don't want to be dishonest and betray my husband's trust. Over the last few weeks I think I've been coming to the conclusion that I feel trapped. And I realised it's manifesting in this fantasy to escape it all.

    I had a couple talks with my husband over the day today, and we decided to take time off from the marriage for a while so that I can work on me, nurture me and introspect about what I need. It has lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders.

    I don't know how feasible it is for me to meet people and explore my feelings in such a temporary time, but its a chance to test the waters so to speak.
     
  8. biAnnika

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    Agreed with Mellie...SO many reasons not to sleep with a co-worker. But especially if your husband is being understanding and giving you some time to work on you...if he hasn't actually given you explicit permission to have sex with another guy, then you can bet that wasn't in his understanding/intent, and his trust would be bitterly shaken by that kind of action. And your husband is only one of many complications in that scenario.

    Messy mistakes are inevitable as you navigate your way through finding yourself...but this one is avoidable.
     
  9. CameOutSwinging

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    When you say take time off from the marriage, do you mean you guys are separating? Or taking a "break" as it were?
     
  10. baristajedi

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    Taking a break, not separating. I think a break will help me clear my head, introspect, focus on myself, explore my feelings for women, date, and help me understand what I really need. If we come out of that break a stronger couple, then I think I've got my leap of faith :slight_smile:. And I could go forward with him. If it proves otherwise, well... It makes separation more clear too.

    ---------- Post added 12th Nov 2015 at 09:36 PM ----------

    And I'm happier today than I've been in a long time. I don't like my husband to feel sad, but I feel liberated and I want to nurture that feeling.

    ---------- Post added 12th Nov 2015 at 09:38 PM ----------

    We talked through all the boundaries, we were very clear in what's ok and what's not. Everything. I'm going to be true to my word.
     
  11. confused04

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    Ugh, me too. My therapist has said that the opposite of fear, is faith in yourself, that no matter what you choose, you will be ok. I told her I have no faith at all, and live life fully in fear, so it's hard for me to ever move forward. I have a feeling that when I started talking about the confusion of my sexuality, and of one person in particular, that I spiraled downhill rather quickly after that. Just 2 conversations about it, led me to a month and a half long spiral into self-destructive behaviors.

    I wonder if part of that is that in some ways it's easier to choose to hate myself and hurt myself than it is to deal with my sexuality.
     
  12. baristajedi

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    (*hug*) I hope you feel like you are struggling less with that self doubt. Hugs to you.
     
  13. confused04

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    Thanks barista! I probably am struggling with it about the same. My therapist and I haven't discussed it in any more depth because it was weeks of crisis situations. Nothing suicidal, but too much drinking was making me feel even more despair, and cutting, and a frightening ambien+ bourbon overdose a week ago. So, I've been a hot mess.
     
  14. baristajedi

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    (&&&) I remember your post about the ambien. I'm sorry confused04, its so hard to pull yourself out of that kind of pain. But you're strong and you're working towards more positive steps.

    Working on it in counselling is one of those steps.

    I wish I had more practical advice, but I can offer support. (*hug*)
     
  15. OnTheHighway

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    First off - That is really fantastic progress and what a milestone you have reached with him! Two adults coming to a thoughtful conclusion on such a monumental issue is really a job well done!

    Next, while it is great that you continue to think about what something like this means, I think you should consider hitting the pause button for a bit of time on your thoughts about the future.

    Instead, you have worked hard to get to this point, how about just seeing where the journey takes you?

    Take a advantage of the opportunity to meet other people. Don't worry about the "romantic/emotional" side compared to the "physical" side.

    Just simply explore a bit. You will learn so much about yourself doing so. And your doing with his blessing.
     
  16. baristajedi

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    Thanks onthehighway, I believe it's the right choice, I need it for me.

    I am feeling a bit sad today thinking about my husband hurting right now. He doesn't want this, but he said he wants me to explore this because I feel this is something that defines me. He also believes we could maybe come out stronger. On some level I feel like I forced his hand, but all I did was tell him honestly how I feel and what I believe I need. I know he prefers waiting for this. But that just feels wrong for me.

    I can't get my head on straight today, just feeling a big knot in my chest. But I started looking for meetups for gay/bi women and googling other places to meet women. I know its important for me.

    Thank you for encouraginge to slow down in trying to figure out the emotional/romantic side of things. I have a tendency to try to figure it all out at once, so I need that reminder.
     
  17. OnTheHighway

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    You might be a bit sad, but I have a big smile on my face on your behalf! The progress your making on your journey is truly amazing.
     
  18. baristajedi

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    :slight_smile:. That makes me happy. Thanks.
     
  19. CapColors

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    I'm glad you decided to do this; you didn't seem like you could wait.
     
  20. CameOutSwinging

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    That's definitely a great thing. My now wife (it still feels weird to say) and I had taken a short "break" back in August but she made it clear at the time that it was not in any way meant as a chance for me to date or sleep with other people (or as she put it, it's not a break like Ross and Rachel had, haha). Of course at the time she also became angry because I wasn't sitting at home (or, where I was staying) just wallowing in sadness that we weren't together. But yeah. Know the boundaries. That's important. But this sounds like a huge step for you.