Ok so I know there is also an area for sexuality questioning to be discussed, but so far all the forums and such I'm finding are for teenagers. I'm 31, married for almost 10 years, and a mother to two crazy little boys. I just told my spouse, who is my best friend, that I don't find him physically attractive. It was not a fun conversation, but I tried to be a gentle as I could. We've talked about my attraction to women before, and he was even willing to do an open marriage or be poly, but I think the idea that I am just not into him is a little too much. It's understandable. Tonight he moved into our guest room. That hurt....but I get it. I should also say to complicate matters I was abused sexually as a child for an extended time frame and am not sure if my feelings towards women are there because they are more "safe" in my mind. I also don't know if the lack of feeling towards my husband is because I have the "young kids, gained weight, been married for a while", bug that tends to lower sexual feelings anyway. I just don't know...I'm not sure I've wanted him in that way for a very long time. We met when we were young, we went out, we partied, we broke the rules. But we were both military and had to choose between breaking up and getting married to stay together...(even though we still did a 2 year stint apart.) and I'm just not sure that we didn't get married for the wrong reasons. On that note...I don't know what I "am". I dream about women sexually, I fantasize about women, and rarely men. I am NOT a cheater, so I've never even kissed a woman. If I think too hard on it "lady parts" as it were are a bit scary. LOL. I am so confused. I don't know if I want to end things with him to explore my feelings for women or if that's just an excuse. I love him, he's important to me. Even with him so hurt we're talking about co-habitating and co-parenting. I just can't see my life without him in it....I'm just not sure to what extent. He's giving me time to decide, and our current living situation means I'll not be moving out because I won't take the kids to another country without him, but beyond that....I have no idea. How do you KNOW if you really are bi/gay....or whatever?
I totally get feeling need for a base to operate from where you feel safe and comfortable. From your description of your husband as your best friend, I'm guessing he has been a solid source of loving support for you. Having that for 10+ years will make you get used to it, right? And it's scary to feel that safety slipping away in the form of him moving into another room. I get that. Hell, if I had been more heteroflexible, I would have been long since married to my best friend. He loves me to bits. I love him to bits. But I know that, because I'm not romantically or sexually attracted to him, I can never build a relationship with him that will fulfill his needs in a romantic relationship. I can, however, continue to be his best friend. To me, truly loving him in a non-romantic, non-sexual way means respecting his emotions is about making sure he has the freedom and opportunity to pursue a fulfilling romantic and sexual relationship with someone else, and supporting him in doing so. Your experiences of abuse, I would imagine, only add to your need for security and certainty. Have you seen a therapist about the abuse you experienced as a child? I'm guessing you're also worried about the future stability of your home, considering your two sons. All of that seems to beckon you to stay married, right? I don't blame you. Here's the thing though: No matter what label you choose in the future, you "are" not first and foremost these labels. First of all, you are YOU. And you need to be become that foundation of security for yourself. Until you do, you will not know to choose "bi" or "gay" or whatever label you end up choosing. Until you do, I doubt you will have the courage to be truly vulnerable and achieve a connection that gives you something more than safety and friendship. Now, the thing about open marriages and poly arrangements is that I sincerely doubt you will find emotionally healthy and mature single lesbians who will agree to it, unless they themselves are poly, looking for a rebound, have nothing to lose (i.e. not that invested in you)—or perhaps worse, have everything to lose and fall in love with you and give you everything. Either way, it spells a lot of hurt and pain to my eyes. In my personal opinion, I just don't think it's fair to ask somebody else to be vulnerable without being willing to enter into the same mode or level of vulnerability. Does that make sense? I don't see there being a reason for you to doubt your past self, though. Whether you got married for the "right" or "wrong" reasons is not for me to say. Perhaps it could help to try being less hard on your past self? You are not now who you were then. People change, it's a fact of life. Finding out who you are needs to be a process embedded in self-compassion, not self-criticism and harsh judgment. It seems to me that you are looking for a compass, but first, you need to yourself better. Also, please watch this TED Talk by Brene Brown. It's called "The Power of Vulnerability" and it can probably help to give you some starting points when trying to find your courage: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
I'm just writing you a note to tell you my heart breaks for you and your family situation. The only advice I can give is to please stay strong . Also, just take your situation one day at a time. Big hugs to you sweetheart.
Yeah, I guess it doesn't really matter why we married. I think I'm going back that far because he read something that says it's important if I was "ever physically attracted to him" and if I was we can get there again, but if not, it's probably not worth it. So, I was thinking on it, and I can't really give him an honest answer. I want to say I was...it seems like I was....but, as I mentioned, the circumstances were pretty crazy and enough to make it so exciting that it didn't really matter. I also find it odd thinking on it now that I can't really think of a single sexual encounter with a man that I didn't find......mechanical.....or awkward in some way. Obviously that's the least case with my hubby, or we never would have made it this far, but even so, it feels forced. As PlaidGlove, my first instinct this morning was to just call him and ask him to assume I was attracted to him and we can work on it from there....I want to "fix" it so he's not hurt and our lives aren't different. I stopped myself because I'm not sure it would be honest. If I can't give him the whole package it's not fair to him. I don't want us to fight and resent each other later, especially now that all this is out in the open. I did try with a therapist back some years ago, it did not go well. They kept insisting I tell everyone, confront the person etc and I just couldn't do it. So....I got discouraged. I did make an appointment for Monday for a new one though. We'll see how it goes. My biggest objection to an open marriage was your point, that I didn't think your average person would be comfortable with it being the "extra" or "girlfriend" or whatever. I don't think I would, and I also don't think I could easily split my feelings that way. We talked about more....swinging type things too but.....I don't really want casual sex and all that. At least, not in that context. It just seems.....bleh. So, we're giving it time, I know we should, but gosh it's really not easy! If I could just be attracted to him and into all the physical with him everything would be perfect! He IS a loving and caring guy, he's a great partner and dad. This kind of blows. ---------- Post added 13th Nov 2015 at 09:06 AM ---------- Oh, also I was going to say I noticed something rather...different in the research I've been doing on LBGTQ community. It seems everyone says there's no..."definition" of sexuality....which totally makes sense to me....but it's so very different from mainstream heterosexual thinking! I kind of thought there might be......not guidelines...but indicators? hints? something?!?! that would give me a better idea how to think of this. I'm glad it's "allowed" to be more fluid for people who need it and all, but I think I'm kind of missing a "box" at the moment to fit into. It'd be so much easier of someone defined this for me. *sigh*, sorry, that's stupid, obviously no one can do that for me, just ranting.
