An Update: Marriage Counseling, Hope, and Moving Forward

My husband and I had a really good counseling session today and I thought it was perhaps time for an update, I really want to share and write about it because it was just beautiful.

As most of you already know, I came out to my husband almost two months ago, and he took it surprisingly well. I've been sitting here waiting for the anger stage but it just hasn't come -- probably because it was, as he put it, "a long time coming" and he kind of expected it. He had time to process before I actually came out. Since then, I have come out to my family and my close friends, and I am no longer hiding.

My husband and I have had many conversations since then, and we have come up with a long-term plan for separation. We have two small children so we are taking it step-by-step and we both agree that we are "divorcing but united." Our relationship has actually flourished since the revelation and I think we are as close as we have ever been. I've noticed he's even become extremely sensitive to anti-gay remarks and has been posting things on his facebook in support of gay marriage, same-sex parenting, etc. Not only has he been civil and loving towards me, but he's been extremely supportive and he's been a huge advocate. We've even gotten to the point where we can joke about it, have a sense of humor about the situation, which might seem pretty odd from the outside, but considering the weight of it, it's a relief to be able to laugh with him.

Today, in counseling, we really opened up about our hopes for the future -- that we hope that this all leads to a BIGGER family for our kids rather than a BROKEN family. That one day we'd like to be able to ALL go on family vacations or spend holidays together, with our future partners. That this is what would be best for our kids. I expressed my concerns about him finding a significant other (I think it'll happen for him before it happens for me, he's the "relationship" type) -- what will she think of our friendship / unity in parenting? Will it change the way he feels about it? Will she cause a roadblock in this grand plan we have? And we both realized we stand firm in our values . . . that anyone who enters our lives has to understand from the very beginning that we ARE united in parenting, that we ARE friends, and that this is what we believe is best for our children -- take it or leave it.

He actually said, "It's a conversation I plan to have on the second or third date. Look, my ex-wife is gay. You have to be cool with that. We teach our children that love is love. We are also successfully co-parenting, and we remain friends for our kids. You have to be cool with that too. If you're not, that's okay, but we can't go any further."

Wow. Right? Wow. What. A. Man. And I trust him on this, because if there was ever a "man of his word," he is it. We actually made the therapist teary-eyed today. Our admiration, respect, and love for one another, despite the circumstances, has shocked even me.

I guess I just want this to serve as hope. Hope that this can be done. That WE define what FAMILY is. That just because our lives may not turn out to be what we were taught was "good" and "right," just because we separate or divorce, doesn't mean our family is BROKEN. My husband will forever be my family, and I his. We haven't taught our children all the lessons we were meant to yet -- our hope is through this experience, they will learn the value of living an authentic life, the value of family and love (and the many things "family" and "love" can mean and encompass), and on top of it all, how much THEY are valued and loved, by both of their parents (and maybe, one day, step-parents), wholly and unconditionally, for exactly who they are and who they will become.

 

You guys are so encouraging. Thank you. (&&&)

I'm looking forward to updating about how this whole process plays out. I feel good with the plan we have. I used to feel like happiness just wasn't in the cards for me. I finally feel like I might be happy and fulfilled in life one day--whether it be living authentically, independently solo or with someone that I want to share the rest of my life with. At this point, I am at peace with either outcome. No more feeling stifled and helpless. I finally feel like I'm in the driver's seat of my own life and while I know there's inevitably construction and detours along the way, I get to take responsibility for my own life and decide how to manage it all.