Going back in

I'm so sorry that you are in pain.

I'm so sorry about the situation with you coming out and the situation with your wife.

Please stay strong.

One day at a time. (*hug*)

 

It's only been 3 weeks. It makes sense that she is devastated, it's normal to be upset like that in this situation. I know you want to support her but going back in the closet is not your only option. She's fragile, ok, you can help support her but you don't need to deny who you are to do that. Encourage her to seek out help from others. The Straight Spouse Network would be a good resource for her. Everyone on there knows what she is going through. If she joins people will reach out to her and she won't feel so alone. Therapy can be helpful too. Encourage her to find someone, or maybe go to couples therapy together to talk out these issues.

The worst thing you can do is act like everything is normal and deny your feelings over this. That goes for both of you. Pretending you aren't gay and that you can go back to the way things were won't work. It's good that you are sensitive to her feelings, that's admirable. But you need to have some difficult conversations and you need time to figure out what you both truly want. If you go back in the closet and never talk about it and you both live in denial then it will fester and you'll both become bitter.

Don't think that because she is fragile now that she can never be strong. She needs a support network to become strong though. If she starts reaching out to people this will no longer feel overwhelming. She might even make some new friends along the way.

One more thought, coming out to her does not mean walking out on her. Due to your situation you could stay together for a long time while helping to build her up so that she can live independently from you. She may reach the point where she wants that. Don't think her fragile state is permanent, with a lot of help and work that could change.

 

gabrielaime2006, your story touches my heart.

Whatever it is you end up deciding to do, I hope and pray for the best for you.

(*hug*)

 

Ok, maybe you and especially your wife look at this a bit different.
For example, your orientation has nothing to do with love and marriage (maybe). Tell her that people fantasize about variety of stuff in their bedroom, and role play as well.
Does this make them unworthy of happy marriage?
Unless you decide to act upon this, your relationship may be no different as if you decided to ask her to put on a french maid outfit.
Sorry for twisting and simplifying this a bit, but maybe your wife should try not to link your orientation to trust

 

gabrielaime2006,

We've known you on EC for only a short time. While your love and compassion for your wife is noble, I hope that you might sleep on your decision to return to the closet a little longer and possibly reconsider it. From what you've posted, you've already made tremendous sacrifices by denying your true self all these years. While your decisions have caused your wife great pain for which you are now making amends, I hope that you won't find yourself in a position on your death bed where you look back on your life with regret for not living authentically as the person you were born to be. For me, such thoughts were powerful motivation to come out and live authentically.

(&&&)

 

The proverbial cat is out of the bag at this point. No going back, you might try, but in the end, you will need to be whom you were meant to be.

Rather than resist it "for the sake of others", best to embrace it and be true to your self.

 

I echo people who say that three weeks is NOT enough time to determine the final state of things. That is a really short timeframe.

 

There is great support here, Taxodium. Also, consider googling/contacting HOW (Husbands Out To Wives), as there are others in your area who have had similar experiences.
You should not feel that you need to spend your life making it right; you have told her how you feel, and while you may have judged her reaction incorrectly, going back in will not help her very much, and it may well harm you. You likely made a promise to love and care for her, and many gay- or bi-married men do not realize their same sex attraction at that time.
Give it some time to calm down, my friend.

 

The day after I came out to my wife she declared she was going to move on and she did almost immediately. After a few months I caved in and said I wanted to stay married. That was almost two years ago. The relationship is not still what it used to be.
At first I would still go on hikes, hang out (just as friends)with the few gay guys I met very infrequently and go to support groups, but everytime she would give me shit so basically now I have no friends at all and no outlet except here. It is very lonely and everything I used to enjoy I don't anymore. But I made a commitment to her and we have 2 kids and money is too tight for 2 households so this is how it has to be

 

You can't go back to how things were, neither can you spend your life making up for being honest. Only thing you can do is work towards from this situation, but denying who you are and thus lying to your wife (ie saying you are not gay after all, if that is what you thought of doing) will only end up hurting you both much more somewhere down the line.

Give it some time. There are constructive ways to deal with the situation; shutting yourself down is not one of them.

 

Your situation is how I think my own husband will react. It is such a huge fear that I will come out and end up back in the closet.

HUGS. I also agree with others in that you need to give it some more time. 3 weeks is not enough time for your wife to really come to terms with what you have told her. She is likely very scared. I have heard the straight spouse network is a good resource. Maybe she could check that out?

 

It doesn't have to be this way. Please seek counseling and at least negotiate a new way of going forward with your wife. You deserve to be happy as much as she does. Going hiking with friends and attending a support group is not too much to ask.

 

I love your post. You get right to the heart of the issue in not a whole lot of words.

You can have your cake and eat it too.

Keep your family life and enjoy your sexuality whatever it is. People have been doing it for thousands of years.

Take Bill Cinton for example. He was getting blow jobs from all those women, but he stayed married to Hillary. He could have been screwing me in the butt too and it wouldn't have changed anything.

 

Taxodium - I "successfully" went back in the closet for 18 years.

I first came out to my wife when were 26, before we had kids. She moved out and I assumed the marriage was over. I even started dating an awesome guy. However, quite unexpectedly, my wife and I got back together after nine weeks apart. This happened, in part, because I realized I had a better connection with her than I did with the terrific guy I was seeing. Five months later, she was pregnant with the first of our three kids.

When we got back together, I assumed I could be more honest about my attractions to men. On several occasions I made comments to her about certain good-looking guys but each time she reacted very badly. I soon learned to keep my mouth shut, and thereby effectively went back in the closet.

I would have stayed there for the rest of my life except 14 years later my wife began an affair with another man. The guy was a total loser, and I knew she genuinely loved me, so I didn't think it would last. I was wrong. After four years and a lot of BS, I came out to her again: "I don't know why we're still together if I'm gay and you're in love with someone else."

It turned out that she eventually had to get a restraining order to end her affair, but that wasn't for another two years. Sometimes I wonder if waiting six years instead of four would have been better for both of us and our kids. Maybe she would have recommitted to me and we could have lived happily ever after together.

Here's the thing though - that outcome is a fantasy. My wife has since told me that after the first time I came out to her, she never trusted me. She was convinced I was going to leave her for a man someday so when she met someone she had lots of chemistry with, OF COURSE she wanted to be with him. Essentially, she only stayed with me until someone better (straight) came along and paid attention to her.

Having lived more or less contentedly in a mixed orientation marriage for 21 years, I can tell you that you, your wife and your marriage can never effectively hide from your sexuality. At various times, it will be an issue for you, or for her, or for both of you. At some point of weakness, the pressures of desire, insecurity and/or inauthenticity will break one of you and a marital crisis will occur. The cycle will keep repeating until one of you decides you've had enough. It can be months or decades before that happens...your guess is as good as anyone's. Ultimately, however, the hurt and pain never go away. It just lingers and infects, until it breaks out in full force again. Finally, when one of you reaches the point where you've had enough, you'll look back and think, "What did all those years of struggling get me, or get us?" The answer is likely to be a mixed bag...definitely some good times, definitely some very low times. All things considered, if you or your wife are like most couples, at least one of you will look back to the time when you first came out and think, "If I had known what the future was going to be like, as horrible as it was doing this the first time, the best thing we could have done was split up then, as opposed to all of us suffering through these past XX years."

I've been around the block more than a few times and I've been talking to men AND women in mixed orientation marriages for many years. The only time they seem to work is when the man is free to connect with other men and the wife is 100% comfortable with that. Otherwise, they are a slow countdown to regret for life spent "wasted."

I'm sorry to be so glum but going back in the closet is never as easy as people think - especially when they're married and their spouse knows the truth.