So I posted this a while back before the crash took it down but it's gone and there are new developments so here I go. My husband and I got married when we were 18. I'm 19 now, we've almost been married a year. Before we even got together I told him that I was a lesbian and that if we ever dated it would be a desperate attempt to try and be straight since my parents are homophobic as fuck. He kept asking me out and finally I gave in (I have no back bone and he is my best friend, I didn't want to lose him) but lately things haven't been feeling the same between us (though he won't admit to it anymore). A couple weeks ago HE brought up in conversation how we might be better off splitting up but staying friends for the following reasons: I am into girls, not guys It seems like he's the only one who wants sex (honestly I just do it so we argue less) He wants a house in the country and I want a house in the city. We don't know how to compromise on that because we both hate the others preference. He wants his own kids and I don't. (if I ever were to have children I would adopt) He needs a more outdoorsy type of girl (which I am not) So after that conversation I felt great, like I finally wasn't living a lie. I signed up for ******* (don't mock me lol) and ended up talking to this girl I went to high school with. And holy shit she is amazing. Hours feel like seconds when I'm with her and all I want to do is hold her in my arms. We went on a date type thing to the mall and a bunch of people told us how cute we are :icon_redf She is so beautiful and wonderful and I want to be with her always. So here lies the problem. He changed his mind. It's not okay anymore and he wants to stay together. Before he told me we would still remain best friends and that he'd be here for me but then he kinda went off the deep end, saying he can't see my face again if I choose to break up with him and how he loves me too much not to be with me. I care about him so fucking much and I could not live with myself if he fucked up his life because we split up; I love him, he's my best friend. But I'm also hurt. He knows that I really like this girl, he knows I'm not happy, he knows I'm only staying because I'm worried about him, but that's all okay to him and he thinks everything is better because we are together and he is happy. Don't get me wrong, he's not an awful guy, I know he cares about me and loves me immensely and would do just about anything for me; except letting me go. And that's why I'm hurt. He told me he loved me enough to let me go, but that obviously isn't the case. I know that if he moved on to someone else and i was straight, I would be hurt but I would let him go. The girl I have an immense crush on knows all that I'm going through, but she's getting irritated waiting for me to make up my mind, which I completely understand. It's just hard when my husband keeps bouncing back and forth...one day saying it's ok and the next day saying it's not. Also, I can't afford to live on my own. I've tried to find roommates but haven't been successful so far. HELP! :bang:
I'm sorry for your situation maybe you could invite the girl to move in with you it sounds like you need to talk to your husband either way and tell him that things have changed since you split up, you have found your true self and have found someone else you could also ask him for a divorce if you don't do this now you could loose your new girlfriend and then kick yourself for years. One thing you could ask yourself is do you see yourself still living with him in 5 years time?
Look up the stages of grief. He's working his way through those and maybe even going back and forth through them. Remind him of your bullet points because the facts are the same. It's just that his feelings/emotions are changing. Hopefully, he'll see that and be able to get back on track as far as the two of you moving forward. Maybe a therapist could help you guys together work through this new reality of your relationship. Or him, at least.
I think it's too soon to ask her to move in with me. And I don't have any money for a therapist. I don't know what to do. And I can't see myself with him in 5 years. It would be so awkward.
Google the name of your city and "free counselling services" and see if anything useful comes up. Even if it's just 2 or 3 sessions it would help. The two of you are so young, you've got years ahead of you. Whatever unhappiness you suffer due to a split now will pale in comparison to the happiness you'll have when you're each with a mate who matches your preferences.
You two are SO young...separating would be painful now, but you have literally your whole left to still live. I know you love him, but you can't make yourself miserable just to accommodate him (or anyone, for that matter). You are ultimately responsible for you, and that's it. And if he truly loves you, he would not want to keep you trapped in a marriage you don't want. That is just a prescription for misery for both of you. Really is right...there are free counseling options out there. I don't know where you live, but most metropolitan areas should have some services available. If there is an lgbt center near you, that would be a great place to start.
Thank you everyone. I really just wish I could wake up and everything would be how I want it (delusion here I come). I know that is not how life works but fuck, I wish it did. She texted me and told me her ex (who put her through some horrible shit) is coming into town and wants to stay the night. She invited me to come over too, and I will, but I'm so jealous. I know I have no right to be, I'm still living with my husband. But it's just so...ugh.
Just be cool. And not clingy. She might want you there as support so the ex doesn't make her feel bad so just be there for her. Check your jealousy at the door.
You need to end your marriage. Even your husband knows it! You are so young. You can go literally anywhere from here. Stay with family until you are on your feet again if at all possible. That's what family is for.
I know I need to end it, I do. But he's the only person I have. I don't have family. I have a part time job and looking for a full time one but hey, job hunts are hard.
