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i dont know how much longer i can play this game.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by cate1515, Nov 15, 2015.

  1. cate1515

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    If anyone has read my posts, my best friend & I fell in love and formed our relationship almost 8 months ago. We have an amazing relationship, we love each other so much and have the most amazing bond. We are able to see each other alone during the day. However, her husband is no longer OK like he was at first, and holds their kids over her head, that if she leaves she won't get to see them much, its either them or me (girlfriend) , etc. He does not threaten her physically, but emotionally. This has become a total game to him. Like if he knows there is somewhere the 2 of us planned to go, he immediately says no and makes something else up she has to do instead. We are not allowed to ever spend any nights together, like we were once in awhile at first. My husband isn't thrilled abt our relationship but at least he is willing to accept it and try for us to get along for our child. Her husband refuses to even talk abt it most of the time. He is very sneaky and vindictive. Lawyers have been talked to, and for several complicated reasons custody wld likely go in his favor so for now she has no choice but to play his game for the sake of the kids she is too afraid of not having them. I am so torn. I love her so much and she's my best friend in the world, I've never been in love with someone this way before, but at the same time I am so beyond unhappy with the way things are. Life is so short I don't want to go on playing this game and being unhappy forever. Seriously its so ridiculous, he must feel amazing looking in the mirror and saying "I have this amazing wife, that I have to use force and threats to keep by my side. I know shed rather be with someone else much of the time so I'm going to make both of their lives as miserable as possible."

    I'm so emotionally drained right now I dont Even know what I want anymore. I don't want to end things with her, we are soulmates and love each other so much, and I know she needs me badly, but I am just so hurt right now I don't know how much longer I can keep up with this game.
     
    #1 cate1515, Nov 15, 2015
    Last edited: Nov 15, 2015
  2. Zen fix

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    That's rough Cate, sorry you're going through this. I'm sure her husband is hurt and angry but using kids to hurt their mother is deplorable. Hopefully he'll come to his senses.
     
  3. Distant Echo

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    He's a coward. Pure and simple. To me, it doesn't make sense that an abusive man would get the kids. It is abuse. And those kids will be very aware of the tension, the fear in that house.
    He is scum.
     
  4. Really

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    I wonder if doing something constructive about moving towards your own separation - whatever that might be, would help your mental state. Ideally, you'd both want disentanglement from your husbands but even in an ideal world, doing it at the same time would be stressful. I'm guessing.

    I think it would benefit you greatly to be able to stand on your own. Then you could be there 100% for your gf when she is able to begin her separation.
     
  5. Lindsey23

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    This won't go on forever, children have a way of growing up. How old is her youngest? Worst case scenario that's how long this will last. I agree with Really that if you separate from your husband that may relieve some stress, then you may be more emotionally available to help her. It must be so frustrating to need permission to see each other, especially when her husband is being an ass. I'm so sorry.
     
  6. cate1515

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    Her youngest is 5.
     
  7. CapColors

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    I cannot believe that there is nothing she can do against him legally to gain custody, at least joint custody. I would advise your friend to find a better lawyer.

    I like Really's advice: focus on your own separation. Maybe that will give you relevant experience and her some additional emotional ballast and courage.
     
  8. mellie

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    ^^I agree with Cap.

    Have you ever heard of the Circle of Influence vs tge Circle of Concern? If not, look it up. As much as you care for her, you cannot fix this situation or change either hers or her husband's behavior. Better to focus on yourself, where you can actually change things.

    But I would tell her to find a better lawyer. Seriously.
     
  9. Apollonia

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    Agree with the comments above - get your own separation moving, you will feel something is happening in your life, that you are moving forward.

    Also maybe after you have your own separate life it will be easier to meet her, as your husband can't tell about your whereabout to her husband (assuming he does that now).
     
  10. Shadowsylke

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    I agree as well. Getting your own separation moving along will probably help you feel better about things and may even give her some much needed example and support to follow suit.

    While I have no idea what the particulars are in her situation with regard to custody and whatnot, it does really sound like her situation with her husband is controlling and abusive and if that is the case, she NEEDS to get away from him, bottom line, full stop. And that's regardless of you or anyone else. Unfortunately, if there is any kind of abuse going on, that paradoxically will make it harder for her to leave. It makes no sense, but that's how it is. I know, because I was in such a marriage myself. It's easier to leave a nice person than an abusive one, for lots of convoluted reasons. The psychology involved is complicated. And having kids involved just makes everything even more complicated for her.

    But it can be done. I did it, and she can too. I agree with everyone here in that she really should talk to another lawyer (or a few). They are not all the same...just like anything else, some are better than others.