Coming out to husband

Hello and welcome! That's a big first step.

There are a lot of people in your position. I would hunt around at some recent threads---there are many archived ones and also a few active ones about this situation.

It's tough, no lie, but everyone here believes that living authentically (whether that means leaving your marriage or not, and often it does) is a huge relief and a reward in itself.

 

Welcome Athena! I hope you are able to find the help and support you need here. Are you close enough to a large city that you might be able to find a place with support in person? I'm in a pretty big city, but still having trouble finding much in person.

 

Welcome Athena. Cap is right, there are a lot of posts on this topic here. I spent my first few days as a member reading through a number of them. I found it very helpful.

 

I agree with Zen fix, and Cap: spend a lot of time reading on this site. There are a LOT of very helpful threads and supportive members here.

 

Welcome! I really could relate with everything you wrote. I have been with my husband for 12 years, with 3 kids and recently came out to myself. My husband and I have always struggled with intimacy and I too believed that it was from the trauma of childhood sexual, physical and emotional abuse. When I began to confront those feelings was I able to then start to see myself for who I am.

I was scared when I first came out to myself, but was blown away at how right it felt. I started coming out to my friends and I knew that my husband was the next conversation I needed to have. After a long struggle on making the "right" decision about the right time, I chose to talk to him sooner than sit with this and not be honest with him. He knew, always knew that I loved women, but with more than a year of questioning my sexuality and affairs on my side, I had to tell him that I felt I exclusively want to be with women.

I don't think there is a best way. You know yourself and your husband best. For me, it has been freeing to talk to my husband about all of this. But it has not come without it's grief. He was angry at me for awhile, and he drank, and signed up for online dating sites. I was angry. Both of us hurting. It felt ugly and it was. We have been able to table some of the reactionary extreme feelings and realign as friends who have 3 small children together. He has been my best friend and as we go further into this, I have found that I am able to use him as a support as I am going through introspection and coming out. But I still struggle with feelings of loss. Loss of the way life has been, even if it has been dissatisfying too. Staying feels like I'd have to sacrifice a part of who I am (being gay). Leaving feels like sacrificing my values that are a part of who I am (my family, my kids). As someone said above, I just try to be my authentic self and let it unfold as it will.

 

Hello Athena


Welcome to EC, this site has been a huge help to me after realising I was gay after 20 years of marriage.

When I came out to my very supportive wife a few years ago I gave her some notes with my thoughts on how I came to be where I am and some ways of moving forward. I have written the notes up in one of my blogs and include a link below.

My situation is different from yours in that we don't have any kids.

I hope you find my blog helpful in giving you some ideas as a starting point.





http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs...-3a-notes-i-gave-my-wife-when-i-came-out.html


Sale Gay Guy

 

Dear Athena33,

I'm afraid I can't be of much help to you regarding your situation, but I just want to congratulate you on your courage and wish you all the best for your process and learning to know what it means to be true to yourself moving forward.

Best,
PG

 

This was a really nice summary, thanks. I went through most of the same things. (I think we all do!)

Out of curiosity, is your open marriage working? Only if you feel comfortable saying. It's an intriguing possibility. While I'm not ready to open my marriage (and financially cannot divorce), I do like hearing of examples.

 

welcome Athena33, this seems huge! and since i am a teen myself (18 as you can see from my profile) i thought id give you what perhaps may be a different perspective on the type of situation your in, from my point of view if my mother came out as lesbien i probably wouldnt feel to good about it, not because of her being a lesbian but because of all the time that has passed believing everything was fine. so as advice id say the situation would be a very delicate one. what you need to probably do is make it clear that you have not know you were the whole time, that this is a recent revelation, when hearing that you are a lesbian they can make the assumption that you have always known so its good to make this clear first. HOWEVER take my advice with a pinch of salt as i have not experienced this so i do not know it first hand

oh and I think you will find it very nice here, we are a very nice group of people so dont worry about posting about any future problems!

 

I just wanted to say that I too am going through a very similar situation. Married for 10 years with 2 children. It is so scary!

 

Another one in the same situation! No idea what I'm going to do about it yet but wanted to say you're definitely not alone and if you ever want to talk to someone in the same boat send me a message.

 

Nope, no plan at all. No idea how to broach the subject. Don't want it to be a big "I have something to tell you" moment. He knows about the crush I had (have) on a former colleague and teases me about it. Just mentioning her name might be a way to open a conversation.