BMC77 update

As mentioned previously... During my whole time at EC, I've been poor white trash. Recently, I became destitute white trash, which lead me to create a thread discussing the possibility of suicide. I've backed away from suicide ideation since; however, the finances remain dismal. And so I paid a visit to Department of Social and Health Services, or DSHS, or A.K.A. welfare.

Not a whole lot of programs I qualify for. However, on the suggestion of one person, I inquired about short term disability, based on the argument of depression. So I applied.

This latter application made for rather a long day. Had I contented myself with merely being able to continue eating, I'd probably have been out of the DSHS office in under an hour. But...the request for additional services meant more application processing time. Then I needed an interview with a social worker. Then I needed an interview with a psychologist who screened me.

The screening was actually interesting at one point. I had expected it to be talk about depression, with possibly a list of symptoms that one might nor might have. There was some of that, including a check list that included several recognizable depression symptoms. My favorite was, as always, loss of interest in sex. How the hell do I answer that? The last time I got laid was never. My non-existent sex life (at least non-existent with another person) is not entirely due to depression. I sometimes think I might as well order my gravestone now, inscribed:

BMC77
Went to the Grave a Virgin.​

However, there were other questions that presumably tested other things. "What does an orange and a banana have in common?" "What does saying: 'A person who lives in a glass house shouldn't throw stones' say to you?" And some tests of trying to remember letters and numbers. These other tests were, oddly, interesting.

I think, due to EC--both the self-searching, and the discussion of psychology and therapy issues--have made me more conscious of and interested in psychology and mental health than was the case once.

Oh, yes...there was another interesting twist: at the end, I made a couple of last comments. One of which was that I'd come out to myself in the last couple of years, and that being gay in my generation generally generates certain psychological issues.I'll be honest: part of the reason for telling him was to make as compelling a case as I could that I have issues to deal with.

But a part of me also thought before hand that this would be interesting--it's a different coming out story than most we hear here. I don't think I've seen any EC threads saying "I came out at DSHS!!!!!!"

The coming out to him was not really very hard. It was not easy, but I didn't have to struggle to get the words out, either. So...there has been some progress since I first joined EC.

It's also interesting: one more person who knows, but, like almost all the other people who know, he's someone I don't know. I met him today, and I may easily never meet him him again.

Maybe one day, I'll send out the memo to people who actually know me...but there are still some practical worries (e.g., possible loss of a strong job reference, and that person is too connected to just about everyone else who knows me).

 

Thanks, everyone!

Well, the EBT card worked at the grocery store last night. And maybe I can take pride in going to my usual store, and going through the line of my usual cashier. Years back, when my family imploded, there hit a point when due to my mother's health issues, we had to go on food stamps for a while. I can remember how adamant she was that when using food stamps, we'd go to a grocery store where we never shopped. She didn't want the cashiers who recognized her to see her using food stamps. (And I doubt she knew those cashiers as well as I know the one I used last night--we've been acquainted for years, have chatted quite a bit, and I know details like her dog's name.) Now that I think back, it's surprising she didn't insist on a store all the way across town--the "new" store was easily close enough to be one where conceivably our neighbors might shop...

Yes, the survival is the Big Concern.

Lack of sex life is about the least of my problems to be sure. Seeking a boyfriend or even a hookup on The Cell Phone App That Can't Be Named, or Else EC Will Implode into a Rainbow Colored Cloud of Smoke is so low on the list of priorities I need a telescope to see it.

That said...

I made my comment in the original post because that loss of interest in sex symptom has always gotten me. Although now, I'm also wondering... I've done nothing to seek out a boyfriend in the 2.5 years I've been here. Is that because (as I've said) I have more important issues to deal with? Or is it unrecognized depression?

Furthermore, there have been lots of times I've thought that yes, I'll probably be a virgin when they plant me in the skull orchard. Am I being realistic about the realities facing a gay male in his 40s? Or is it again something like depression talking?

---------- Post added 18th Nov 2015 at 11:03 AM ----------

I hope you're right.

That should be possible, although right now my big focus is just finding a way to survive...

I've got stuff that gives me something else to focus on. Last night, I went to an event near me that recurs regularly, and I plan to keep going. It gives me an "escape" for a couple of hours, and something more than mere survival to focus on.